Remember When

A massacre changes the outlook of a group of teens--as they face the most certain aspect of humanity: death

“What school do you think you want to go to?”

“I don’t know, maybe Douglas? Duquesne is good too.”

Shea sat on the little brick fence as Christopher asked her questions. She ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and chuckled as Chris joked about college. “Yeah, I was thinking Harvard for me. Top attorney in New York. You see it, right?”

Shea smiled. “I can see you on a subway ad, maybe.”

“That hurts, that really hurts,” Chris said, dramatically walking away from Shea and into the tall grass.

“Where did Kalley and Tony go?” Shea asked, looking out to the flowery pastures that surrounded her. The sun was masked behind dense clouds as rain began to fall.

“It’s starting to rain, they better hurry.” Chris sat back on the brick wall. Shea ran her fingers along the dried concrete, gathering dirt and grime under her nails.

“They’re probably making out, or groping each other. One or the other.” Shea remarked.

            Echoes of snapping twigs caught Shea and Chris’ attention, stepping out from the thickets were Kalley and Tony.

“’Bout time,” Chris uttered, making a crude gesture with his hands.

“Shut up,” Tony said, taking off his ball cap and wiping the sweat from his forehead.

“Get any photos?” Shea asked. Kalley tied her blonde hair into a ponytail and sat down on the fence.

“Some,” She replied, sighing to the ground.

“I bet I know what she got photos of,” Chris said, chuckling under his breath.

“Christopher!” Kalley glared at Chris trying to withhold her smile.

            Silence spread between the friends like a gas, sucking all of the words from their throat and leaving them empty. Shea finished her sandwich, throwing the wrapper into the pocket of her jeans, and pulled out her phone.

“Look at that,” Shea said, staring at her reflection in the glare, “it’s exactly time.”

“Really?” Tony asked, suspiciously.

“12:43.” She replied.

Silence again.

“I’m getting chills,” Tony said. He pushed his glasses up and stared into the darkening skies.

“I miss them,” Shea said.

“That’s why we’re here, Shea.” Kalley said, laying her hand on top of Shea’s.

*          *          *

            I heard three shots�"followed by two, violent screeches, and then silence.

I hear them when I'm alone. I hear them in my dreams, screaming and calling to me, crying out for help. I can do nothing. I did nothing then. All I can do now is remember.

We all sat straight up�"wondering where the Hell those noises came from. Our teacher, Mrs. Krane, shushed us as we all looked at each other and mumbled “what was that?” Or “Did you hear that too?” Outside our classroom, racing footsteps swept past the door, a few people I think, security guards I believe they were.

            “Everyone just sit down,” Mrs. Krane said, rubbing her palms together, her eyes darting in different directions. She was nervous, unsure of what to do. I couldn’t see what was happening, the classroom was at the very end of the hall, and the only view we had was of the classroom next door, which was currently empty. Mrs. Krane reached for the phone on her desk and quickly dialed, who I assume to have been, another teacher. She turned away from us as she whispered into the phone. I wanted to hear�"I wanted to listen. Everyone was talking, quietly, thankfully, but too loud for me to hear Mrs. Krane. All I remember hearing was a gasp and then the click of the phone touching its base.

            “What’s going on?” A girl across from me asked, holding her knees in front of her chest.

            “Just stay here,” Mrs. Krane said. She ran over to the door and locked it with her keys. Was she keeping us out? Or stopping something from coming in? By then, everyone was on their phones either texting their friends or calling parents. It was then that we heard another shot�"a blast like a rifle. We all jumped in our seats, I’m sure of it.

            I sat in my desk playing with my thumbs. Was I in shock? Was I disinterested like a deranged sociopath? I don’t remember. Maybe I cried.

I pulled out my phone from my bag and quickly texted Kalley.

What’s going on??

I waited for a response. I knew Tony was in gym right now, and it was Thursday, and that meant jogging day, so he was safe, probably. Chris was in. . . Study Hall, I thought. As I tried to remember my friends’ daily schedules, a girl behind me started crying. At this point, I think most people were crying.

            Then another shot. It was closer than before. A scream�"of a woman, an adult, I think, echoed down the dark hallway. It wasn’t a bloody scream but more of a panicked scream. Mrs. Krane turned off the lights to the room and crouched down next to the door, she waved to of all us to move to the back of the room where you couldn’t be seen from the door. As quietly as she most likely wanted us to be, we all jumped from our desks and stormed to the back corner of the room. Normally, I would never have wanted to be so physically close to Damien or Anna, two people I particularly disliked, but in that instance in the huddle, I felt safe. Within our huddle was whispered sobbing and desperate praying,  “God, please, don’t let me die, please, God, help me.” I was silent, not crying or praying, but waiting.

            I don’t know how long we were huddled together, but I was sweating from being so close together. I wish I could have stripped down to my bra, and in that moment, I don’t think anyone would have said otherwise. Someone behind me whispered, “Is it over?”

Mrs. Krane slowly rose from her crouching position. She peeked out the door but quickly moved back. She was crying now, too. This was it.

            Everyone was closing their eyes now, I didn’t though. I kept my eyes open�"I could see the world just one last time, even if it was the dusty corner of a science class. I had so much left to see.

            BANG BANG. Gunshots, but not loud ones like earlier, these were different sounds, softer, quicker. Everyone gasped. Mrs. Krane stood up and peeked out the window. She sighed and wiped some sweat from her face. As she smiled at us and walked towards our huddle, I knew that the terror had ended. The day was normal again.

*

            Clouds covered the sunlight, the world was dark�"colorless. Raindrops fell onto Shea’s arms. The four friends stood together and walked past the brick fence and over to a dirt mound. Grass was breaching through the dirt; the mound would slowly become just another part of the ground.

“Shea, you okay?” Tony asked, approaching her.

“Huh? Oh, yes, I’m fine,” Shea responded, removing herself from her memories.

“Those poor people,” Chris said, staring at a headstone marked DAVID MITCHELL ALLEN.

“Remember when Nathan invited us to his sweet sixteen a few years ago?” Tony smiled, looking away from the grave and into the dark gaps between trees.

“Anthony?” Kalley asked, trying to put a face to the name.

“The senior, had a big house party. I think that was the party where you held me all night,” Tony said, blushing, “You know, because I was so drunk.”

“Yeah, that was the first time I got drunk.” Chris laughed and rubbed his stomach, “It was also the first time I threw up from getting drunk. I don’t really want to do that ever again.”

Shea chuckled. “Hell yeah I remember that. I remember almost getting busted by the cops. I never attended another party after that.”

            Kalley kneeled on the ground in front of the grave.

“I know I miss him, I don’t know how you do it, Shea,” Kalley said.  

Shea rubbed her hand on the stone, feeling each indented letter of the name.

“It gets better,” Shea paused and bit her lip, “Actually--That’s a lie.”

Kalley looked at her. “What do you mean?”

“Honestly? Every day feels like Hell�"like I’m burning up and falling to ashes.” Shea stood up and walked away from Kalley who remained, silent, at the grave.

            Shea walked down a dirt path that led to a pond. Geese were huddled together in the water, honking at each other, and some were biting the others. Shea sat on a bench that overlooked the pond and watched reflections of sunlight float on the water. Surrounding the pond were more tombstones, and a crematorium stood isolated just across the field.

            “Are you okay?” Kalley asked, appearing from within the trees.

            “No.”

Kalley stood behind the bench and looked onto the pond. “Time helps, but that’s cliché so….” Tony and Chris emerged from the path as well and joined Kalley and Shea at the bench. Chris sat down next to Shea but they all looked out to the water�"avoiding each other’s gaze.

            “I heard they finally locked him up,” Shea said.

            “Yeah?” Tony stood stoic.

            “Getting the chair, I think.” Chris added.

            “Thank God.” Kalley sighed.

            “Yeah, ‘thank God,’” Shea said, in a mocking tone.

            “Excuse me?” Kalley scowled.

Shea jumped up from the bench and stood at the edge of the water, removing herself from the group.

            “A good God wouldn’t have let him do it.” Shea clenched her fists and kicked dirt into the water, muddying the ripples.

            “It’s not that simple,” Kalley said. She turned her back to Shea. Tony and Chris remained quiet.

            “At first I thought ‘why would God let this happen?’ Then I asked myself, ‘Why would God let him exist in the first place?’” Shea explained. “He had to have a good reason,” she added.

            “I can’t answer that, Shea. I really can’t.” Kalley shrugged.

            “Let’s not talk about this,” Chris said, trying to steer the conversation away. “Hey, remember when Kalley ate that bad burger at that restaurant?”

            “Yeah, I remember,” Tony smiled, “I felt bad at first but it’s funny as hell now, I still got the pictures,” he and Chris chuckled.

            “Very funny,” Kalley found herself joining the laughter, as much as she wanted to keep arguing. “Not as bad as when Tony fell asleep in class and Mrs. Carter dropped a book on his desk,” She said.

            They were all laughing except for Shea�"Shea stood at the water and looked at her jiggling reflection. “I guess I remember.” She tried to ignore the conversation but couldn’t help but smirk just a little.

            Shea turned and looked at her friends, they were all laughing and thinking about their most embarrassing moments. It had been months since Shea lost herself in the contagious feelings of laughter.

*          *          *

“How are you feeling, Ms. Harper?” Asked “Debbie,” our school psychologist. She always told us to call her Debbie but I never did. I referred to her as Mrs. Fowler.

“Fine.” Fine. Fine is the answer to every question�"“fine” is one word that contains a dozen other words. Fine is never fine.

“I know this has been a very difficult month,” Mrs. Fowler said, smiling warmly at me as I stared at a dust cluster on the ground.

“Yeah,” I said, hardly listening.

“I’m sure you’ve heard this a lot�"but how are you?” She asked. I glanced at the pictures on her wall: one with, I assume, her son, probably five or six years old. Another with her husband. They’re smiling.

“I don’t know, okay? What kind of answer do you want?” This was her job. Did she genuinely care about my feelings? Probably not.

“Any answer you feel is fine. There’s no right or wrong one.” She reminded me of my mother, constantly asking how I felt and how I was doing. If I had to hear that question one more time I think I might have finally just exploded.

“Well,” I paused, “I feel different.”

“Different from what?” She asked.

“Different from when I would come to school and not think about dying.” I crossed my arms.

She nodded. “It’s not something students should think about, I agree.”

I nodded too. “Yeah.”

“Tell me,” she leaned into me but her desk still sat between us, “Where were you then?”

“Biology. With Mrs. Krane.” I said.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Mrs. Fowler asked. The light from outside narrowly dove through the slits of her curtains, beams of sunlight falling on her arm.

“I know what happened,” I said, shaking my head, “I know.”

“I know there’s been a lot of rumors circulating,” She said, “and we don’t want students getting the wrong idea.”

I scoffed. “Wrong idea? What wrong idea? He killed a bunch of people.”

Mrs. Fowler fell silent.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, “It just makes me. . .” I paused. “. . .angry.”

“Angry?” She asked, tilting her head.

“Angry at myself, I guess.” I scratched my arm and stared down at the red carpet.

“Why at yourself?”

“Well, that day�"I saw him. Before first period in the hall. I saw him.”

“You saw him?” Mrs. Fowler leaned towards me, her eyes peering into me.

“I saw him at his locker. He opened his book bag and I saw it. I wasn’t sure I was right, I thought maybe I was just imaging it or I didn’t see it right. There it was though�"right there in the bag, almost in perfect view. I don’t know how no one else saw it, or maybe someone did and they were too scared�"like me.” I closed my eyes and wished I was back home, lying under my blankets with a bottle of schnapps swiped from my parents’ cabinet.

            Mrs. Fowler looked away from me, perhaps she was unsure of what to say. I didn’t have much to say either. We sat in silence for a while until she finally spoke again.

“Ms. Harper, did you know anybody who was involved in the attack?” Involved she says. As if they got a few cuts and bruises instead of lying under the ground.

I looked up at her. She looked at me. “No.”

*

“This feels good,” Kalley grinned.

“It’s been a while since I had a good laugh,” Tony said.      

“Not for me, I’ve seen Kalley’s prom pictures.” Chris joked.

            Kalley rolled her eyes and stuck her middle finger out at Chris. “For you,” she said, blowing him a kiss.

            They all sat together in silence, not out of uncomfortable or awkward feelings but simply because nothing needed said. The sun gleamed through the torn leaves of the oak trees and glistened onto the friends’ faces.

            “Getting cold,” Tony remarked, throwing his ball cap into the air.

            “It always feels cold,” Kalley said.

            “Should we go?” Chris asked, looking into the clouds.

            “No, not yet,” Shea sat up and twirled some grass around her fingers, “Let’s stay a little longer.”

            “We should go,” Chris yawned and stood up, “before it gets dark.”

            “No. Please�"just a little longer.” Shea refused to move.

            “Come on, Shea, Chris is right.” Kalley and Tony join Chris at the dirt path.

            “Guys, please!” Shea yelled. The three of them had disappeared into the cold shroud of the trees. Shea flung the grass off of her hands and ran after them. She felt like she was running through the path longer than she should have. She wondered if she went the wrong way�"but there was only one path so that couldn’t have happened. The sun had fallen out of sight and the empty darkness was filling the forest like a fog.

            “Guys!? Where are you?” She yelled into the woods. No voices, just calls of drowsy birds ready to sleep.

            “Over here,” yelled Kalley from across the forest. Shea followed the voice as best as she could until she found a clearing. It wasn’t where her car was but she was finally out of the grasp of the trees.

            Tony, Chris, and Kalley stood together in the clearing. Kalley had a furrow along her face that Shea recognized as annoyed or frustrated. Chris was fixing his dark hair, and Tony was tapping his foot on a rock.

            “Where ya been, girl?” Kalley asked.

            “Are you finally ready?” Tony asked.

            “You guys left me!” Shea yelled, stomping her feet on the grass and leaving a print of her sneaker.

            “It wasn’t our fault,” Chris smiled and stuck his hands in his pockets.

            “Why did you leave me like that!?” Shea glared at them and crossed her arms.

            “We’re sorry,” Tony shrugged, “’real sorry.”

            “Please don’t leave me again. Please?” Shea kneeled down, finding comfort on the cold embrace of the tall grass and cat tails.

            “I know it’s bad,” Kalley kneeled down to her, “but you’ll be okay.”

            “Yeah!” Chris joined them. “You’re smart, strong, a beauty, if I might say so.”

            “Shea, remember when you and I�"“ Tony began to tell his story but Shea cut him off.

            “No, no more stories! I’m sick of thinking about them.” Shea looked up at them. “I should’ve helped. I saw the gun�"I should have said something! It was right there in his bag!”

            “Would that have helped?” Chris asked.

            “Yes, I could have stopped him! I let you down, I let everyone down!” She sobbed into the dirt and an ant crawled up her arm.

            “So you let me die?” Kalley asked. She stood firmly with Tony and Chris at her side.

            “You let us down then.”  Tony said. He began to turn away.

            “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Shea mumbled under her breath. “Chris?” She looked at him.

            “Why did you let me die?” Chris stared at her. “Why, Shea? Why?”

            “I don’t know�"I didn’t know what to do.  I pray every night that you forgive me, that God forgives me!” Shea tried to plea with them but they all stood there along the grass�"arms at their waists and their eyes staring straight into her dark figure.

            “You let me die. You let me die!” Kalley shouted.

            “I was going to Columbia!” Tony said.

            “We were gonna have our first date. Remember when I asked you out?” Chris stated, his eyes, once blue, were now dark rings. The three of them stepped away from her. Hidden by the night, they were dark silhouettes and now fading into the night’s emptiness.

            “Stop! Please stop!” Shea begged and pounded on the ground, “Stop! Stop! I can’t lose David and you guys!”

            “You let us die, Shae.” Chris mumbled. “You let your brother die too.”  

            “I’m sorry! Please�"don’t hate me! I didn’t mean for this to happen!” Shea closed her eyes and planted her face between her knees. She mumbled until her legs grew sore and the moon proudly rose over her. Finally, she opened her eyes into the night. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed but she felt the cold winds whip around her aching body. She stood up.

            “Please don’t leave me here,” she said, staring out to the dark, barren field, “Please, God, don’t leave me here.” 

Author's Note

Still a WIP. Any suggestions would be great!