The Rush of Wave

Thus rush the waves with endless sail

The lonely waters slowly flail

A vast sadness, Ocean Deep

Which waves and waters tend to keep

Swinging the jungles Ocean high

A blue ancestor in the sky

Points wide awake towards shoring land

In honor to meet the beautiful sand

So gentle she, with blush and bloom

An inviting space calls out for flume

But she though beauty, be treated well

For not all sand for swooning fell

Silly wave with no remorse

Leaps in a rush, like running horse

Towards such a beauty, she golden skinned

Whilst in his mind, preparing sin

But she too smart, knew many waves

For they come and go, they never stay

Now little wave, me, had no time thought

As for her love he showed not fought

A lesson learned, the rejecting sand

He had to win her precious hand

And little wave slows down his pace

For no other wave to take his place

He spun away to grasp new plan

And returned at first blush towards the beautiful sand

Cheerful and improved, his love he shown

To never drift off, and both be not alone

Let Wave be Ice and Sand be Stone

Reviews

[KWP]

Your timing is almost perfect - well done. I very much appreciate what you have done with your piece. It offers as visual as well a wee story too ...

It is an accomplished piece and for that I am thankful :D

I am wondering though, do you need the word 'the' after Swinging in the second stanza? Also the word to describe the sand 'beautiful' it seems too easy for such a lullabic piece. I wonder how else you could describe the sand.

I feel these two lines, with some further thought could do with a rework ... seems to fall away a bit as it is.

I wills say it again, your poem is incredibly refreshing and I am glad I stopped by X

[the one inside]

An interesting eye you have. Yes it seems this piece should be restructured. I thank you for taking the interest in helping this young writer. Your words have been very positive. I shall create version 2, and will not let you down :)

[KWP]

oh dear ... my apologies ... I forgot to add the two lines that could use a second look
'He spun away to grasp new plan
And returned at first blush towards the beautiful sand'

the second line here - the timing is not in line with the rest of your piece which gives it a sense of being rushed or not fully thought through ...

I'm glad you got something out of the review - we can all move forward :D X

[Great Aunt Astri]

This was lovely to read. The imagery is vivid, and I am glad that the 'little wave' got what he wanted, after learning his lesson!

[the one inside]

The wave was lucky, not all ladies would show him how to do things right, sadly, that is rare today

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Beautiful, lyrical form, flow cadence and rhyme. Great natural imagery of waves, sea, sand...metaphoric representation of a lover's rejected too-fierce approach to their beloved? An allegory of joining, balance, equity in nature and in love. Beautiful

[the one inside]

Ah, and you too king dear. Thank you once more

[Luci]

This was really beautiful and flowed so well. Engaged the whole way through, you're an amazing writer!

[the one inside]

Youre very kind you know