Bush

Skit from two years ago in which we had to compare some leader in history to Machiavelli.

Scene 1
(Bush is giving a speech on the war against people who step on other people's shoes.  The Man who steps on Bush's shoe, steps on Bush's shoe)
 
Bush: Hey!  You just stepped on my shoe!  You need to pay more attention to where you step!  (He pauses.  To audience) Ladies and Gentlemen, the livelihood of the great country of the United States of America is at stake.  In order to protect the shoes of tax-paying American citizens, I will ask congress to declare a state of war against all persons who step on shoes.  From this day forward, all persons who ruthlessly and maliciously ruin peoples' shoes, via stepping on them, shall be an enemy to this country, and will be dealt with by the United States Army.
 
Bush Supporter #1: Yeah!  All hail Bush, the defender of the shoes of America.  He must really care about us to be so involved in protecting our shoes!  Yeah Bush!
 
Bush: Thank you kind citizens. (Bush is walking and waving)
 
(Bush steps on the Bush Supporter #1's shoe)
 
Bush Supporter #2: (Gasps) He just stepped on her shoe!
 
Bush Supporter #1 and #2: Boooo!  Bush is a backwards, hypocritical politician!  Boooo!
 
Bush: Do not rise against me, your leader, for rising against me is like rising against God!  God made me president, and what I decree is his word!
 
Scene 2
(FBI agent is interrogating the Man Who Stepped on Bush's shoe)
 
Man: It was an accident!  I swear!  I really had to go to the bathroom, so I just ran across!
 
Agent: Yeah, like I haven't heard that one before.  What do you think I am stupid or something?
 
Man: Do you really want me to answer that?

Agent: No.  Look, don't think I'm not going to turn you over to the Feds!
 
Man: Uhhh…
 
Agent: What! Uhhh…What?
 
Man: You are a Fed.
 
Agent: (Looks at her badge) Oh.  Yeah.
 
(The agent's cell phone rings she answers it, and then hangs up)
 
Agent: Well I have some good news, and even better news.
 
Man: What?
 
Agent: Well, the good news is, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO.  The better news is you're free to go.
 
Man: Really?
 
Agent: Yes.
 
Scene 3
(Bush is preparing to present his speech)
 
Advisor: Mr. President, they've released the man who stepped on your shoe back to his home country Nike.  Now congress believes you have a reason to go to war.
 
Bush: That's good news.  Deploy our troops.
 
Advisor: Yes sir.  Good luck sir.
 
Bush: Luck?  Why would I need luck?  I am the president of the United States.  I don't need luck!  I've got God on my side.
 
Advisor: Of course sir.
 
Bush: Oh, and have Air Force One ready for after the speech.  I want to take another vacation to Texas.  Maybe play some golf, hunt, and do other non-presidential stuff.
 
Advisor: Yes sir.
 
Scene 4
(Bush presents his speech.  Someone holds up a sign that says 9 p.m.)
 
Bush: Good morning my fellow Americans.
 
Speech Writer: Shoot, I meant evening!
 
Bush: Yesterday morning a threat to our nation revealed itself.  A man purposely stepped on my shoe.  In response, I feel it is necessary to rid the world of this evil.  I will give the man who stepped on my shoe 24 hours to leave the country of Nike, or he will be faced with military power.
 
(Someone holds a sign that says 24 seconds later)
 
Bush: The man who stepped on my shoe has run out of time to leave the country of Nike.  As of this moment, I declare a state of war.  U.S. troops are on there way to Nike as we speak.  As a devout Christian, Republican from Texas…by the way, "I was governor of Texas, the second largest state in the U.S., which is bigger than all the other states except one"…anyways, where was I?  Oh yes.  As a devout Christian, Republican from Texas, I believe this is the right thing to do.  Thinking otherwise would be a sin.  "You are either with us or against us."  God is with us, and you should be too.  Good night my fellow Americans and God bless you.
 
Scene 5
(Bush is on the phone with an Army General)
 
Bush: General, let it be known to all the troops, that extra bonuses will be given to all those who strictly enforce the law against people who step on shoes.  And, God forbid any troops break this law, I want them court-martialed.  Thank you. (He hangs up the phone) Man, I kind of feel like uhh…what's his name?  Mach (match), Machia-(match-ia), Machiavelli (matchiavelleye).  Is that right?
 
End