the older i get the less i remember

i hope every woman who has gone through something similar to me can relate. they can read this and know that it's not their fault and they had no control.

The older i get the less i remember what color the bathroom was at my old house 

The older i get the less i remember the smell of my barbies 

The older i get the less i remember the name of my imaginary best friend 

The older i get the less i remember the lyrics to old nursery rhymes 

But the older i get i still remember you 

The older i get i still remember your broken hands 

The way your hair felt against my ear 

The way your face was prickly against mine 

The way your chest was warm 

The older i get i still remember your voice 

The way you laughed 

The way you screamed when you got mad 

The way the phone rang before i answered 

The older i get i still remember the smell of your clothes 

The way you always smelled like fire 

The way that underneath you i could smell old spice 

The way your house always smelled like autumn 

The older i get i still remember the taste of your mouth 

The way we shared pretzels 

The way that ramen made you unbearable 

The way that the coffee at your house was always better than mine 

The older i get i still remember your face 

The way that your red hair was lighter in the sun 

The way your jaw locked when you raised your head

The way your eyes were sort of lazy 

But the older i get i wish i could remember less 

I wish i could forget your hands

The way i can feel your hands going up on my thigh 

The way i can feel your head against my chest 

The way i can feel your mouth against mine 

I wish i could forget your voice 

The way i can hear me crying 

The way i can hear you lying 

The way i can hear your manipulation 

I wish i could forget your clothes 

The way i can smell your cologne 

The way i can smell your breath 

The way i can smell the month of october 

I wish i could forget your mouth 

The way i can taste your body 

The way i can taste your sweat

The way i can taste your words 

I wish i could forget your face 

The way i can see how you looked when your mad 

The way i can see you crushing the gift i made you 

The way i can see you on top on me 

But i cant 

I think of them every day 

Don't know if i ever loved you 

I don't know if you ever loved me 

But i had to you more than you to me 

Because how could you make me remember without it 

If you didn't do it to me it would have been her 

But who am i to do that to her 

She doesn't deserve you 

Shes full of innocence and curiosity 

But the fact is you got to her first 

You killed her 

Gave birth to me 

And made me what you wanted

She was only a child 

She never got the chance to grow

Barely pubescent 

She didn't know her body 

But you learned it 

Who gave you that right?

You weren't given it 

You took it 

And now that girl is gone 

Made into me 

And i see what you were now 

Because i got older 

The older i get the more i realize how sick you are 

The older i get the more i realize how easy i was 

The older i get i realize that if i was older you would have never loved me 

The older i get i realize that my parents were right 

Maybe if we never dated it wouldn't have happened

If i was happy alone it never would have happened

That twelve and sixteen should never had happened 

I should have told someone what happened 

But i did 

But i was a kid 

But i thought that you would protect me 

But i thought i did something wrong 

And i can't blame you entirely 

you weren't alone 

Your friends laughed along 

My friends looked jealous

And i loved the shock 

The attention you fed me 

The way you subtly molded me 

Brushed away my sense of identity 

And when i ran you walked

I screamed you whispered 

When i fell you sat 

And everything i did felt dramatic 

So i shrunk 

And you made me stand 

So i fell on you 

And you taught me to walk the way you did 

But the older i get the less i remember 

The less i remember why i loved you 

The less i remember how i fell for your lies 

The less i remember when i left 

I remember your touch 

The way you felt 

And it makes me sick 

Makes me feel dirty 

But i'm not dirty 

You are 

You're the reason i bathe now 

Because how could i be so dirty 

I dont talk to men who look like they dont bath 

And when i see someone who doesn't have soap 

I remember you 

And how easy it is to take a bath

Author's Note

this is a metaphorical emphasis on my own personal experiences

Reviews

[lessa (kenzie)]

Such a long write, I enjoyed it.. there are So many ways to feel this write, and well this is quite emotional.

[Haley]

I read this with my hand over my mouth. It's so raw and real and can be so easily identified, at least to those who are familiar. I wish I had more to say, but this kind of kicked me in the gut, in a good way! Thank you :)