The Memory

A Story by thememory

important. please read

The Memory

One of my first memories of life is a terrible one. For which it, in fact, has controlled a large part of my life. I am 18 years old; from about the time of seven years ago, until now, I have experienced sudden moods. It all started when I was probably 11 and I stayed the night at my grandma’s house. She had DSL Internet, (which at that time was worth the same as gold) so I went to her house as much as I could. When she would fall asleep, I would take over the computer and learned the true power of the interment. The more I started using the internet the more I was checking my myspace, instant messenger, favorite porn websites, and shopping websites. Normally, when I was getting tired of using the computer I would watch porn and shut it off and fall asleep. After about 100 nights of this, something changed. As I was surfing my favorite porn website , a flashback overtook my body.

It was me, 3 years old and at my grandpa’s house. My 10-year-old uncle (granpa's baby of re-marriage) had my pinned against a corner with his penis inside me. He was much stronger than me and said it was okay because he “saw his dad do it all the time to his mom”. I didn’t tell on him and I still have no idea why. A few months went past I cant remember anything between the two memories but there again, was my unlce with his penis in me but this time I was not pinned I went bent over and then he said, “your turn”, and we kept switching until his dad, my grandpa, came in and screamed at us and told us how bad it was.

That flashback controlled my life

After that flashback, I immediately looked up gay porn without even any interest and just to see how dumb it was. I was so aroused that I pulled down my pants and inserted a marker into my a*s. These actions continued probably once a month. It was a sharp control over my body to stick something there. I was dating girls and only attracted to them and was not gay at all but some sharp, controlling spell just shot through my body and told me to put something there. The sensations elevated to the need for gay porn. High school came and this continued. I still wasn’t attracted to guys, even in showers during sports, the slightest bit and dated and loved a girl for most of those great four years. However, those sensations would occur monthly and I would fulfill them and after I ejaculated I would be like “WHAT THE F**K AS I THINKING? IM NOT GAY!!” and then text my girlfriend and be back to normal. College came and with it, my whole group of friends split.

With the people I would always think, “holy f**k, what would I do if they knew about these feelings I get”, gone, my sensations sharpened. I went on craigslist gay and found local listings. I would get the most aroused I have ever been and sometimes even, exchanged naked pictures. 30 minutes ago, I ended up finding a close guy and texted him. I was shaking with nervousness, excitement, exhilaration, longing, and many other feelings.

As I am about to leave, I stop and think to myself the deepest thought I have ever had. I had a vision of my uncle on top of me and me not telling on him. Instantly, I thought none of these feelings would exist without that day occurring. Then, I figured because that random act and the sensations I have gotten the past seven years, it must be meant to be.

I reach for my door and then the deep thinking elevates.

Before I reach the conclusion of “I was destined to be gay”, it hit me. That day, something huge happened. An event like that, may not have affected someone else so positively. My moods have all added up and I was happy but there have been times where I wasn’t so happy. Times in junior high, high school, and college where I was on the verge of suicide and deep depression because I considered myself an outcast, but never let anyone ever notice. I received a very good characteristic because of my mom, willpower. I always fought the feelings of depression and tried to become positive. A kid with no self-control would have ended his life without thinking about it if he had a fraction of the depression.

Another thought occurred…… “I am not gay, but the soul that takes over my body during these sensation is”. Without that day occurring, none of these feelings would have occurred and I would not even be considering it or typing this.

This is my own life where I have the power to choose my own path and not choose the path that has resulted from that terrible day occurring. I am speaking 100% truly from the heat. I am choosing what I want and not what this other gay personality wants.

Consider my feelings to be an angel and a demon. The demon was saying, “be gay”, while the angle was screaming, “be straight”. The demon got louder and louder and almost caused me to take my own life. I feel like reaching for door about to meet a guy on craigslist, was my final choice without being pushed by the angle or demon. I chose my angle and I stand behind that choice until I die.

Even though I related being gay to a demon, does not mean I am against it in any means. I am against it for myself. I believe in everyone choosing the sexuality that would be the happiest with and mine is straight. Those comparisons also do not mean I am religious. I believe in a higher force or god but there is at least one belief in any religion that I do not disagree with so I guess I consider myself to not be religious.

I am finally 100% done with these feelings and do not desire them or hold an attraction to them at all. With the final choice of listening to the angle, a feeling of lightness shot through my body as the gay part of me left my body.

However,

I am rushed into my room to begin typing this because I may not be the only one. Without that occurrence 16 years ago, I could have felt this same “lightness” my whole life and prevented near suicidal thoughts and deep depression. A person without the fortunate power to push through the bad times, would have ended their life or caused a decision they truly deep down did not want.

I do not think I will post this because I do not want it to get linked to me because I just want to forget about the old feelings and sensations. However, I think maybe there is a chance this may save one person. If I can save someone from ending everything, or even making someone feels comfortable knowing there is someone else out there, than the risk will be worth it for sure.

If anyone is reading this, consider your actions. Start making your decisions on things you truly wants and not just decisions you feel you have to make. Occurrences similar to mine, could not only traumatize and change a kid’s life for years, like in my case, but also change a person’s entire life. Because of that, it is important to watch children interact and try to keep an eye on them because you never know what they are capable of.

Conclusion

If you are having similar feelings, you are not alone. Just be patient and realize what you truly want and choose to be attracted to the sex that will provide you with the most happiness. To parents, watch kids closely because random acts between kids can dictate a life. To everyone, know there is others with troubles too and always treat others with good intention because you don’t know if someone is on the edge. My amazing friends and family have always treated me with good intentions to me, for the most part haha, which provided me with reason to live and get through. Resulting, in me finding my inner-happiness to become what I have truly wanted to be. Free.

I apologize for my dialect tone, poor grammar, and unorganized writing

Its time to live life