So Dare Me

if I show no emotion
will you see the notion,
my devotion.
to change,
it's slow motion.

I don't enjoy who,
I don't enjoy how.
I don't enjoy why,
where,
when.

who I am,
not just the physical attributes.
I can't change these roots.

I just wanna be
a mystery
in your eyes
that I deceive,
best believe
I'm not what you perceive.
I'm not what you made me out to be,
you'll see.

twist the ends of your hair
around your fingertips,
staring at inquisitive lips.

I feel like an old book,
one everyone's heard about.
without a doubt,
they refuse to read me because they already know the ending.
I'm not pretending,
this feeling...
it's sending me
deeper.

into myself,
I dig deeper.
answers never found,
questions created.

how do I be proud of this?
my last kiss,
this empty bliss
of emptiness,
emptying my wrist.
just
to figure out what's inside.

hide,
subside,
silence and inactivity.
they're all ignoring me,
how do I jump
to the top line?
top notch,
I'm just a blotch
on the spot
I would've fought
but I realized even if I did,
I'd never be what they sought,
so I stopped.

never known what love felt like,
tho I've loved before.
I've been called an ugly dyke,
that bruise was sore.
for sure,
been called a bore,
a mat to a door,
even a 'w***e'
by the girl
I thought I was to marry.

that ended with a parry,
so dare me
to jump,
and watch me fly.