The Thoughts of My Mind

     I sat on my bed in a criss cross position. As I sat the worries, fears, and mistakes Iv’e made filtered into my head, making way for a hollow feeling in my stomach. All my life Iv’e felt like I live inside my head, the real world is more of a challenge to face but the thoughts I dwell on are worse. For some reason I can’t seem to stop thinking about all the horrible things that have happened in my life. It is in these moments I flee to television and books. They offer me a parallel universe. Where I know there will always be a happy ending and everything will turn out. However when I don’t have these options to turn to, I am forced to dwell on the thoughts of my mind. They terrorize me, keep me prisoner, and don’t let me go. No matter how hard I try to shove them out of my life, they keep wandering back. Black hooded figures that whisper in my ears. Even listening to music doesn’t help, they have wedged themselves into a permanent place in my mind. 

     No matter how hard I try to turn my life around I just can’t seem to do it. I will always be known for the frown on my face and the tears in my eyes. As dark turns haunt me I try to think on the positive. But for some reason, even thinking about the benefits of my life, it doesn’t make me feel any better. It is in these moments, all I want to do is scream. Scream as loud as I possible can, oh just to let all of my anger out I feel would be the only way I could be saved.

     As I stared blankly at the ceiling I pondered how my life will be lived. I had never realized it before but I was afraid of my past, and scared for the future. Overall I would say that I wanted to live a life of no regrets. I don’t want to look back one day and wish I had done things differently. 

     Suddenly I felt a strong surge from my stomach, as if I might throw up my lunch. Yes my fears are slowly eating me alive. And personally I don’t have a clue about what to do.

Reviews

[KurKota]

Being anxious within ones life is quite normal. We all have the ability to second guess ourselves continually. Life is a series of choices that we make, and in the end the sum total of those choices reflect in what our life is toward the end of it. Some of the choices that occur in our lifes are indeed not ours to make, but are indeed made either by others on our behalf (parents) , or by circumstances (envirornment). We can only hold ourselves responsible for the choices that we indeed make ourself, for ourself. Sorry, I am reviewing life, not your work per se ! :) But you have a good writing here, and you seem to have the capability to make good choices. Don't be so hard on yourself. Good writing !

[Mockingbird]

i absolutely feel the same way...i can't stop thinking about the negative memories, and i can't even listen to music because it's tied with things i want to forget. it's brave of you to write this. you state things matter-of-factly, but there is still that despair within the lines. it's good to have distractions too. excellent story.

[JenniferMarie]

We all have those days. Don't feel alone. You described anxiety well. We have a self critic that we have to tell to zip it! Believe the good and realize we all make mistakes it's how we learn I guess. I say only take the lesson. I'm speaking to myself too! :)

[TheMadnessWithin]

thank you:)