You Are Autumn

When you spoke

it was a footfall upon the fallen leaves.

Fallen, because they had changed.

Green to yellow to red to brown.

Your words were careful,

your steps were not heavy on the ground.

You couldn't avoid the crunch,

but at least it wasn't too loud.

Your voice was the wind

and it was a particular kind of breeze.

The kind that is mostly unnoticed.

It rattled the leaves but not the branches.

Your eyes finished it;

they were two Autumn moons.

Full and bright and cradled in the dark.

Never ceasing to wax and wane, wax and wane.

You left like the caterpillar

who weaves protection into a cage.

But cold will be colder then warmer

and my butterfly will return to me.

Author's Note

For readers' knowledge, this poem is not a personal poem--it bears no similarity to the existence or nonexistence of the author's romantic life.

Reviews

[Christopher Robin]

This has actually got a pretty damned good structure for prose. Most people it's just a stream of consciousness babble but this feels a little more thought out. You capture feelings perfectly at the start, suddenly Autumn represents change, which represents death, but then suddenly we turn a corner and discover that Autumn is simply the held breath before the change which will arrive at the end of winter. Death is not the end but a prelude to a new beginning. Not everyone writes so clearly structure wise, it was really pleasant from that perspective. I have a few questions though, and of course the answer can be 'because poetry' but still I wonder.

Did you use 'not heavy on the ground' deliberately to allude to heavier steps providing more direct messages? I ask only because 'not' is rarely used in poetry, people would usually replace 'not heavy' with 'light' or something.

Secondly I understand the lightness of the steps and the voice, but it seems too similar to the stanza before it to not imply a deeper meaning. Do you use the lightness here again to demonstrate that something very heavy is happening, yet you are detached from it somehow?

Thirdly, 'forever unchanging - except' my only real gripe with the piece, and it's pretty nit-picky to be honest, it's a direct contradiction because it's a fact stated. If you'd said something like 'seemed forever unchanging' then it would make perfect sense, but it's one tiny little slip in an otherwise awesome piece.

I'm guessing this is about a girl, it certainly sounds like it, and I hope that butterfly returns! And i hope you write some more, nicely penned!

-Robin

[Chad Sell]

Thanks so much for the super helpful review--your questions are actually making me think more about the poem than I originally did while writing it! But that's a good thing :)

I believe I chose to use "not heavy" because the implications of "light" felt wrong to me. When I think "light", I think happier implications such as "carefree" and such. But now that I think more about it, perhaps "delicate" would be a better replacement. Not sure. I kind of like "not heavy". Hmm.

What I was sort of going for in this poem (which, by the way, is not a personal poem. I'm not currently seeing anyone--alas--so the poem is a narration of a fictional relationship) was a relationship that cycles like the seasons. It breaks, then comes back. So the narrator has come to expect it, and as such he is sort of detached from the significance of yet another break. Does that answer the question? I'm not sure. Sorry if it doesn't, I tend to not read into my own poems all that much...

Also, thanks for pointing out the "forever unchanging-except" contradiction. That didn't even occur to me until you pointed it out, but now it bothers me as well. I will be fixing that.

Thanks for such a thorough review :)

[Christopher Robin]

Any time, good poetry deserves a thorough look and I must say i was thoroughly drawn in. I see that it makes slightly more sense if the metaphor leans more toward the relationship between the seasons more than two people (whilst still being both, one answers more questions than the other). I'm glad that you like 'not heavy' it's not an obvious choice and it's nice sometimes to force the reader to create their own antonym rather than having us spell everything out for them. I understand why you didn't go for 'light' now though!

Best of luck and looking forward to reading more!

-Robin

[Zakari Schmidt]

This is really good dude much respect