Mr. Depression

I have atypical depression and to kind of process my diagnosis and make sense of it for myself, I wrote this poem.

Mr. Depression has lived within me since age 9

I didn't know he was there at all

though he managed to camouflage into 

my life.

He's cast a shadow most couldn't see,

Not even I,

My mind has become his puppet,

meaning I can only control so much of what happens on the inside.

No one can really kill him

without killing me

But a small part of me would rather

try to live

and cope with

this monster unseen.

Mr. Depression acts like a voice of rationality,

and he tells me everything he says is true.

As he pours fresh poison down my throat,

I worry about the very little sanity 

that I can lose.

He throws weights on my happiness

and I have to find ways 

to boost it

so it won't drain,

Because that's when my lows get lower,

and I feel like he has control of my brain.

And I don't know what to do,

because I'm not in the right

state of mind.

Things, occasionally, 

can feel somewhat hopeful,

but he exerts more control over me

as I become more vulnerable.

My facade is like an onion,

with thousands of layers

and I live as it's core.

I don't know what it's like to not feel either sad

or numb anymore.

Mr. Depression.

Why do you pick on me?

And how come for a being 

so dark you remain invisible?

But yet you have eaten 

at my spirit

like a parasite, 

and wrap yourself like a dark blanket

around my psyche,

infecting it like a disease.

I want to reach for the phone

before you take my thoughts captive

though my arm loses its reason to move

and I struggle to keep my will

to live.

 

For you and my anxiety

are one being, 

the two of you belonging

to the same heart,

as you embrace between 

every time

it decides to keep beating, 

until death will you two

part.

As you hide in plain sight,

you silence the parts of me 

that hurt but make no sound

beneath the shadow that you

cast on my life.

from worse thoughts sometimes,

I'm spared by you, 

but you snatch the last of my peace 

You've put a wall between my heart 

and the rest of the world,

so it can be just you and me.

Mr. Depression ,

You made me forget 

what it's like to be

Free.