Just something I need to vent:

A Poem by Maija Darling

I normally don't/won't post things like this, so I'm sorry in advance, but I need to let some things out that I can't on my tumblr.

I have the worst habit.

I have worst habit of not being able to let myself be alone. Or, rather, I choose to be alone, but then someone comes. Someone always f*****g comes and then because I'm selfish and weak, I let them a little bit in.

Now, I don't want you thinking that I'm some kind of lushy girl who lets every guy and his cousin under her skin. That's the exact opposite of me, actually. Personally, I don't find myself attractive or appealing. Probably because I know who I truly am and what I truly have gone through. But anyway, that's beside the point. The point is, there are always guys calling me attractive and trying to swoop in and carry me away. Now, please don't roll your eyes at me. I know that doesn't sound like a problem. In fact, a lot of you would probably get pissed off at me.

"Maija, you f*****g ignorant b***h. Why don't you see all of these guys constantly swooning over you?"

I get this one a lot from my roommate. Every time I'm asked on a date and agree, or even when I bring a man over for a while, all I hear is "Oh, there's Maija with all of her men. Just another one of her guys."

And to me, this is so frustrating. Because let me let you in on a little secret:

I do not want this.

Yup, you heard me. I don't want all of these fellows coming in and trying to "get with" me. Perhaps it's because I'm not like a lot of women of today's popular culture. But I think I know the true answer.

I'm so sick of letting in these kinds of men and then being left. Abandoned. I lower my walls even just the slightest, and they fire their cannons. I'm sick of being looked at like a piece of meat. A goal, a game, a challenge. I'm so much f*****g more than that. I am a soul. I am a soul who has been through more than the average soul should at only twenty years of age. And I'm just so tired. So, so very tired of having to be alone in my wars.

I just want to find that one person who won't run away after knowing my secrets. Someone who I can finally f*****g fall in love with again.

Someone I can call my home.