Then & Now

Contemplating what it felt like to be on anti depressents and how it currently feels to be off of them. December 13th, 2015

It was like floating under the surface of the ocean. Not so deep that the water pressure crushed me but not so close to the surface that I could catch a glimpse of the sunshine. Inhibited by the inability to control mind & body. Thoughts didn't matter, feelings didn't matter, I didn't matter. It was not a peaceful state. It was not a state of survival. It was only a state of existing.
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Now I am suspended between the moon & the earth. During the hours of daylight I find myself getting lost in the warmth of the sun. I feel that I have the potential to be bright & brilliant just like it's rays. By nightfall I am suddenly overwhelmed by the fear of falling again & the faith in my tether shakes. There is no peace here. There is no comfort. I want to fly and soar but these wings won't mend. I cannot look to the future when every thought that consumes me revolves around the past.