Penny and the Higher Power

10 years ago I met you and my life began. You are long since gone but I have never loved or been loved as it was with you. I love you still. I post this to celebrate the freedom you gave me.

The thunder shook the earth and lightning tore through the morning sky as the rain thrashed down upon the train station platform. The combined noise of the rain hammering the station building and the thunder was deafening but I was smiling. I was semi-drowned and soaked right through but I was smiling. It was still only 05.30am and I was being looked at by the London commuters strangely, because I was smiling.

So here it is the beginning of the story, the journey and maybe my life too. In truth I was born some 7 months earlier but standing here at Eastbourne train station I felt the presence of life flowing through my blood once more. I should maybe point out that 7 months earlier I was in fact 23 but I did not live before that, you could say it was more like I just simply existed.

Ever since I can remember I have longed to love and be loved. It seemed that love was all around me everywhere I looked, accept for inside me. I waited patiently and watched as women came my way only to love one of my friends instead. Love was my savior, as far as I was concerned, from all the suffering I had endured and the pain I carried. I could think of no greater power or force that could save me. My faith in life was now diminished and my thirst for love was all that kept me going. Since I had left home in 1998 I had traveled the Highlands of Scotland working in hotels. The work provided a room, food and money and as I was in the middle of nowhere I had nothing to spend my wages on so it proved a great way to save money. I had used this life style to travel to America for Millennium and by 2002 I had worked in four hotels. Many foreign travelers use hotel work to fund their trips and so I had been introduced to so many people, cultures and beliefs but still love eluded me. I was almost 22 and had only one relationship to date and that lasted about a month when I was 18.

In the early summer of 2002 I started work at a hotel called Ballathie House in Perthshire. For four months nothing was different and I was ready for a change once more but suddenly things changed dramatically. On one very special morning I headed from my chalet to the hotel and as I walked in to the kitchen and for the first time love revealed its self to me, her name was Penny Clarke. Penny's blue eyes held the power of the universe and I was pulled into orbit instantly. I knew unquestionably that she had given me birth for I was drawn to her like the ocean to the beach. I wanted to take her in my arms right now as though reclaiming a part of me lost somewhere some when. She smiled, oh god she is smiling at me.

"Hi, I'm Pen" She said in a soft Australian accent whilst extending her hand to mine. I told her my name but wanted to say so much more and I gave her my hand but as she drew her hand back she took every little part of me with her without knowing.

As the days turned to weeks I took every opportunity to talk to Penny. She had come over from Australia on a two year working holiday visa. Her Visa expires in May 2003 and she started work here to earn a little money before returning home. Due to my inhibitions and lack of self worth I never attempted to talk to Penny after work and so for the first time ever in my life working became my favorite thing. Penny and I got on really well and after a few weeks we started flirting suggestively and took to calling each other Mr Games and Miss Clarke provocatively. Neither of us took it any further. Each night I would lay restless thinking of her and those eyes that could keep the world bright long after the sun dies. She was all my mind could think of and I fought my demons trying to find the strength to ask her out. My friends tried to convince me that our attraction to each other was obvious but if that was true why did she not ask me out.

My sister came to visit the Christmas of 2002 and took it upon her self to stop Penny and I 'clowning around'. I felt lost in a jungle of thorns as I tried to tell Penny how I felt. I was waiting to be humiliated but instead Penny smiled and kissed me. The feeling of Penny's arms around me provided me with my first ever feeling of home and belonging. This is where I was born, not 1979 but 2002. Penny had the same issues as I and was worried that I would turn her down. I realized in that moment that my fears and foolish inhibitions were all that were responsible for the life I hated and that I had the power to change and bring meaning into my life. Every precious moment that Penny and I spent together took our love to depths I had never conceived. Her soul was so deep and beautiful we shared so much of our individual pain together and provided such healing and support.

We had finally become a couple on the 12^th of January 2003 and by the end of February our relationship had become the most powerful and intense experience of our lives. In 'normal' society you may only have three of four dates in the first month but here in a live-in hotel environment things are very different. There is no escape here as you live, work, eat, socialize all under one roof. The nearest town is an hour away and that is after the half-hour walk to the bus stop. So all relationships grow deeply overnight and this means they are more meaningful because you have no room to hide or lie. Also you never know how much time you have with a friend as travelers move on. By the beginning of February we were living together, well sharing a room anyway. By the end of March we had agreed that I should come back to Australia with Penny and that we would leave very soon to travel Scotland before Penny heads back home.

So in April we said goodbye to all the friends we had made and headed north in to Scotland's remote Highlands. We decided to buy a car and christened her Nessie and took to the road. Together we spent 6 weeks driving around the country. Life blessed us with 6 weeks of glorious sunshine as we traveled. We bought a camp stove and lived out of Nessie, just parking up off road and sleeping in the car. These were the best few weeks of my life. We then traveled south to my home town and for the first time I was able to bring a girlfriend home to meet my parents. They later joked that they thought I was gay as I never showed interest in girls. I was always interested but they had never shown interest in me!!

Penny flew home at the end of April as we had agreed that Penny should have some time alone to re-unite with friends and family. This gave me two and half months to earn a little extra cash before I could make my way back to her side. Those two months without Penny felt like torture and I am so pleased that it is over. So I do not care that it is raining, I do not care that it is thundering and I do not care how you look at me London commuters as I am off to Australia and back into the arms of the women I love. For at last after 23 years I am in love and feel loved in return.

The train departed from Hampden Park station at 5.15am bound for Heathrow Airport. Along the journey businessmen hoped on and off to the chorus of clicking laptop keys and shuffling newspapers. Everything has a strange feel, sharper somehow. I feel like I am noticing existence for the first time. People all around me will have their own stories, oblivious to the many plots, circumstance and meanings for us all coming together in one carriage of a train. Society never seeks to explore this though and instead bury their heads in newspapers or barricade their ears with I-pods. I look around thinking of all the people that have changed my life and I wonder what keys people in this carriage may hold. Might there be someone here holding the answer to my fears or able to speak words of caution and encouragement. How many of life's lessons are lost through fear of communication and lack of knowledge about life coincidence. I just kept my story to myself whilst dwelling on the thought of missing so many opportunities due to inhibitions leaving conversations un-conversed.

 

Fresh in the understanding of self-blame and self-imprisonment I arrived at Heathrow Airport. I stared at the terminal building in complete awareness that I must first cause death if I really wanted this to be the moment I start to live. If I really want this to be the moment that I change my life and If I really want to let go of the foolish Inhibitions and fears that have held me hostage then the person I am cannot board that plane. I have always said that acceptance is painless but getting there is agony. So have I accepted everything about who I am, was and may be, I could not be sure. I knew without doubt though that I loved Penny and I wanted to head to a place where I was unborn. In Australia there is not one street I have walked down, not one coffee shop I have sat in, not one person I have lied to and not one person I have created a personality for. With Penny I have been honest, open and totally my true self so I have the freedom now to head where there are no expectations or pre-conceived ideas of who I am and should be. The only person who can destroy this for me now is me and so with a very large intake of breath I headed to the terminal doors.

 

At 7.42 am I crossed the threshold and in to the terminal building. People from all nations buzzed around the theater of dreams and nightmares. The corridors and terminals echoed with the cries of returning or departing loved ones. I wandered through the thick fog of emotion toward the check in counter and after a short wait I exchanged my bag for a boarding pass. The clerk's statued smile freaked me out ever so slightly as she wished me a pleasant flight. I stood still as the noise and chaos began to soak into me and I fought to hold in my own emotion. Suddenly through the crowd the beckoning sign of Starbucks called to me. I used my pass like a sword cutting my way through the jungle of stories. I sat here drinking coffee after coffee to keep me awake and calm. My eyes began to ache from the constant flicking to the departure board and my ears ached from the never ending goodbye speeches and ringing mobile phones. I was trying so hard to maintain my composure with the excitement rising inside me. I longed to see Penny again and feel her in my arms and despite my efforts I occasionally let out a childish snigger before regaining my composure.

 

I could not suppress the excitement when the gate number appeared next to my flight, this meant it was real and I was off to a new life. I love the journey to the departure lounges as you get to see all the planes docked for loading out on to the runway. I crashed in the person in front due to not looking where I was going and all though I apologized he seemed non-to impressed. I took a seat in the lounge but was too excited to relax. I looked up to see a young lady smiling at me and so I smiled back. 'Typical', I thought to myself, 'Just when I get a girlfriend women decide to start smiling at me'. I felt like a hyperactive child who had drank too much coke and I just wanted to get on the damn plane. As usual the disabled and families board first and then it is a seat lottery. The young lady passed by and again flashed me a smile but I was way too excited to talk. Finally my row was called and I made my way on to the plane and took my seat. This was to be the longest of the three flights I was yet to endure. Twelve hours on a steal tube placing my life in the hands of a contraption that defies nature.

Take off is one of my favorite experiences. The plane shudders along to the start of the runway while the crew perform their safety dance. Then a crew member wanders along to make sure you are strapped in and then take their seats. The engines start at a gentle hum and then increase to a thunder as the plane starts to shake, vibrate, groan and creek. The shaking grows more violent as the throttle gets released and backs are thrust in to their chair as the beast is let free. Nervous hands clench in to the arm rests and signs of the holly cross scatter around the plane like a Mexican wave at a football match. 0 to 237mph in a heartbeat and ground to 33,000ft in one stomach turning lurch. Now the dreams and expectations of the 400 passengers really have taken flight. Eventually we trusted our steal bird and hands relaxed. I had no person next to me and the nearest passenger to me had fallen asleep within ten minutes. All I had for company for the next 12 hours was the TV set on the back of the headrest of the chair in front.

 

I have been on the plane now for almost seven hours with around 5 more to go until we land in Malaysia. I had spent most of that time staring at the flight screen willing the distance and time to disintegrate, sadly it did not make it go faster but it did eventually send me to sleep. I was awoken suddenly as the plane transformed into a roller coaster. That dreaded bleep that tells you to buckle up as there may be trouble ahead. We were now somewhere above India and the plane rolled around the sky, dropped and soared like a drunken parrot. The plane seemed intent on claiming the food back from the passengers’ stomachs so I was glad I had passed on the food served in soap dishes. After a very long few minutes the beast was tamed once more and the look of terror on some faces subsided. The good news was though that Malaysia had now appeared on the flight map, so not long to go.

At around 1.38am English time we finally touched down In Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. The look of fear had returned as the tarmac lurches up towards you and if you are lucky you may get a slight thump as the wheels touchdown. The engines are then thrown into reverse and the plane shudders to a creaking halt. At this moment 400 people let out a sigh of relief and depart the plane like zombies to make their way onward to life only the higher power knows where.

 

It was only 8.15am in Malaysia so the airport was eerily quiet. On the way to my next departure gate I noticed the smiling women from Heathrow looking very lost and confused.
"Heading to Melbourne", I inquired.
"Yeah," she sounded relived to no longer be alone in her lost-ness, "Please tell me your Heading to Melbourne too and that you know where to go" she continued
"Well I have never been to this airport before but I do know a little trick, I am Mark by the way" I replied offering her my hand. She shook my hand and said "Hi Mark, I am Laura. Trick?.”
"Well Laura, I have found out once before that if we stand in the wrong place long enough we will get moved to the right place" No sooner had I finished that sentence when a small guard with a big gun came bouncing over towards us shouting "No, No. No stand here. Must go. No stand". I was not sure if that was the only English he knew but I feared any questioning may get me shot. The guard was pointing somewhere so Laura and I followed his direction. Laura and I muffled laughter until we were clear. "I have heard Malaysian jails are quite harsh" Laura joked laughing. We turned a corner to see the most International of buildings waiting for us, Starbucks. "Fancy a coffee while we wait?" Laura asked.

"Yes but we best sit down and drink as I am not sure that Malaysians like standing very much" I quipped. So here Laura and I waited for our next flight as we drank coffee and nibbled muffins. Conversation flowed so easily between us and I felt so relaxed in Laura's company. We had been talking for almost an hour about culture and travel when Laura sighed as she swept her long black here from her face and said "I am so nervous about all this Mark"
"Travelling can be scary at first but you just get used to it if it feels right" I reassured
"No its…..., I am only here for my boyfriend" She jogged her head from side to side as though gesturing it was a bad idea and then continued, "he is Australian, we meet in England and his bloody Visa ran out"
"That is strange we met then Laura as I am here for exactly the same reason"
"Your boyfriend is Australian?" Laura asked with raised eyebrows. I had just taken a swig of coffee as she spoke and almost spat it out across the airport. " I am sorry", Laura said handing me a tissue " I could not resist temptation"
"No Laura, I was just shocked that you guessed I was gay"
"Oh, well I had no…. Really?"
"No. I am not gay Laura. I was not sure for a while but at last I have a girlfriend"

"Oh pay back eh, b*****d. I am just so nervous about how it will be between us now"
"I told you Laura, I was joking. I am not gay"
"I meant with my boyfriend" Laura slapped my hand
"Two one" I whispered, Laura flicked a piece of muffin at me. " All I know, Laura, is that in the seven weeks without Penny I have never felt….."
"So lonely" Laura interrupted
"Yes, exactly"
"Are you not worried though that things may have changed"
"I had not really thought about that, until now Laura". Laura had sparked an emotion in me that I was not prepared for. "I am sorry Mark". Laura placed her hand on my Shoulder
"It's all right Laura. All we can do is hope for the best I guess, eh"
"I know I love him and I am sure he loves me"
"All you need is love" My remark caused laughter that destroyed the feeling of fear Laura had just installed. I think Laura and I could have stayed in Starbucks talking all day but our flight had been called. Laura's seat number came up first, "That's me then" Laura stated as she kissed me and gave me a hug.
"I hope it all works out for you Laura"
"Yeah, you too" She stared at me for a while knowing we were both feeling the same fear and then turned away. Laura turned back to face me a few steps away, smiled and said, "It was really great to meet you Mark". I did not respond. I just forced a smile and nodded my head and then she was gone.

I found my seat and also found that on this flight I had a neighbor. "Good'day mate. I'm Josh" The man reached his hand out to me as I sat down. "It is good to meet my first Australian on the trip so far Josh". For the next four hours Josh filled my ears with stories of Australia and I began to wish he would fall asleep. I knew though that his voice silenced the fear and emotion inside me and all the while he kept talking my fears remained silenced. However it was me that somehow fell asleep until I was awoken by a tapping on my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see Laura smiling down at me. "Have you heard about Sydney" She asked
"Sydney who?" I asked trying to buy some time to wake up.
Laura laughed, probably in sympathy and then replied "The aircrew said we have a two hour wait at the terminal. Josh suddenly chipped in “Sweet mate, I know a cracking bar you can wait at mate"
"Yeah cheers Josh, I guess there is nothing we can do about it Laura"
"Yes I know that but do you want to have dinner with me" Laura inquired.
"Dinner Laura, It is 3.30 in the morning" I informed looking at my watch
I felt a hand on my shoulder as a passenger leant over and told me "Actually mate it is 3.30am in England"
"Oh right, thanks. So it would be 10.30 then" I questioned
"Try again mate" Josh smirked as i n perfect Harmony, Laura and I shouted, 
"So What bloody time is it?"
"Australian time now sir is 12.45pm" a passing crew member informed
"Oh Ok, how about breakfast then Mark" Laura corrected herself
"I don't think I am hungry now, Laura" I joked. Laughter spread out a few rows around us and we seemed to spark a few criss-crossing conversations. The seat belt bleep suddenly interrupted the madness and I braced for impact. Laura scuttled off to her seat in panic and as I looked at josh he was smirking at me. "How long you been in Aussie mate, you pulled already you ripper". I was too worried about the impending doom the plane was to suffer to respond. To my surprise though, it was not turbulence but landing time.

Laura was waiting for me in the terminal. Laura and I shook hands with Josh as he wished us well and then he turned away and vanished back into his own world. My journey time now totaled 31 hours and 11 minutes. Laura and I joked around the duty free shops as we tried to waste the two-hour wait. Together we made the time pass quickly and we were soon sitting on the plane bound for our final destination, Melbourne. Laura and I had not said goodbye in Sydney, as we knew we would meet up at the baggage claim in Melbourne. Sure enough she was there waiting for me with that beautiful smile of hers.
"Now, which would I rather turn up" Laura mumbled
"Pardon me?" I questioned
"Well, I think it is too much to hope for both my bag and boyfriend turn up so which would I rather did!" Laura and I laughed thinking about that until her bag appeared on the carousel. Laura lent in to hug me and then said "Oh no!!!” Laura was pointing over my shoulder. I turned to see a security guard and dog heading our way. "What's up?" I asked
"My boyfriend asked me to bring some grass over for him, it is in my bag" Laura whispered
"Are you blinking crazy?" I said in shock. Laura lent in to me kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear "Two all".
"Oh, Damn you" I laughed
"Well Mark. I have my bag so I guess this is it ah. I best go see if he is here"
"He will be or else he is a raving idiot. I loved talking to you Laura and I wish you all the best" Laura gave me a big hug and seemed scared to let go. I think we gave each other shelter from the potential storm waiting outside the doors. "Goodbye Mark"

 

The dog was now among the bags. Passengers commented how cute it was until it sat by their bag. Then frantically trying to stuff their belongings back in, they whisper Stupid mutt". I claimed my bag and made my way though passport control and then stood facing the doors. I have never been so scared and yet so exited. This all still feels like a dream and I keep thinking that I will wake up to see that empty space beside me. The doors in front of me had become my enemy and my master. They would reveal my fate to me without emotion or thought for their actions or consequences. For as long as I could remember I had longed, begged and prayed for love. I longed to know what love was and to have meaning and worth in my existence. Here it was, behind those doors waiting or at least I hoped with every ounce of being that it was. I began to feel sick and a large part of me wanted to turn around a go home. I thought of the weak, scared and lonely man I had left shivering in the cold outside the terminal building in Heathrow. Is that what I wanted to return too? The thought of losing this love is unbearable and a life without Penny seemed impossible already yet she has only been in my life 8 months. I took a deep breath and stepped forward out in to the terminal building……………………… to be continued should it be requested???

Author's Note

I am not a big fan of writing stories, I get bored. I have written a few though and keep them secret. This though was written nearly 9 years ago. I post it in celebration of the magic I experienced 10 years ago. Its all true and still so very real. Just reading this back for the first time in years there is much structure I would change but decided to leave it alone.

Reviews

[Lucy Morningstar &heart..]

So...is Penny or Laura still around? I'm so curious now!

This was a really lovely read, and I got a good sense of your enjoyment of adventure in this :)