A Toast

A tasteful comedy! In your FARCE!

 

A Toast

            By Sara Heistand

 

            Characters

Peter Doe, help-group moderator and one time addict

Mary Joseph, addicted widow

John Lee, slow and addicted brother

Richard Lee, sleepy and inventive addicted brother

Peaches, addict and enabler

 

            Scene

            (Curtains open on a small circle of chairs, most of which are empty except for four people, one woman and three men. One man seems to be sleeping. The group’s surroundings scream community center. There is a roll-away chalkboard behind them welcoming them to the day’s session: Learning to Share. Everyone in the room has an air that they had or have one or more addiction[s].)

 

MARY: And that’s how I ended up being duct taped to the floor. Crumbs, everywhere. It was awful, it was.

 

            (The men nod, in full empathy. PETER wraps a comforting arm around her, and then stands.)

 

PETER: Mary has proved an excellent point. Letting our desires grab us by the throats and continue to shake us could lead to—yes, John?

JOHN: (slowly): Being duct taped to the floor?

PETER: Obviously, Mary’s family was a little harsh, but it helped, didn’t it Mary?

MARY: (weepy): Yes, they care, they do.

PETER: See? Now how about you, John? Richard, has your brother been sticking to the steps? Richard?

 

            (RICHARD wakes up violently.)

 

RICHARD: Butter!—Who, what?

PETER: Your brother, you. Have you two been sticking to the steps? Seems like you haven’t been getting a lot of sleep, Rich. (kneels next to RICHARD, privately) Have you been sticking to the steps, Richard? (to JOHN) Do you two get anything out of this?

JOHN: Why, sure we do. It’s just hard.

PETER: You don’t think it was hard for me? I went through it too, you know. I know. I know, man. I know what it’s like there on the streets. They offer it up like candy. My own grandmother, you know. Often I wondered if it was hereditary, this thing inside of us. But no, we have to say no, man! We can’t let this fear and this desire and this sickness control us any longer.

 

            (MARY stands and claps enthusiastically, JOHN and then RICHARD do the same. PETER motions for them to settle down, though he is enjoying the attention.)

 

JOHN: Hear, hear!

PETER: Now—

 

            (PEACHES enters hurriedly. She is scantily clad and heavily make-uped.)

 

PEACHES: Hiya, guys. Sorry I’m late.

RICHARD: I like your bangs.

JOHN: Did you just get a haircut, Peaches?

PETER: You’re sorry? We started twenty minutes ago!

PEACHES: Sorry, Pete. I had to get myself together. Hiya, Mary. Where’s Paul?

MARY: Dead!

PEACHES: Dead? Oh no! How’d he do it, honey?

MARY: (sobs): He, he was driving to the grocery store and, and!

 

            (PEACHES, JOHN, and RICHARD hug MARY.)

 

PETER: We can all learn from Paul, yes we can. We can’t allow our urges to grab us—

PEACHES: By the throat, yes, Pete.

PETER: Peter!

PEACHES: Now, now, Mary… Would anyone like some grape juice?

 

            (PEACHES reaches into her purse and pulls out a large carton of grape juice.)

 

PETER: Peaches, have you been substituting again?

PEACHES: Substituting, why, Peter, I don’t know what you’re talking about?

 

(She drinks heavily from the carton)

 

PETER: Pete!

 

            (He takes the carton off PEACHES and he drinks from it. He coughs and chokes and makes a big scene.)

 

PETER: This is…jelly!

PEACHES: (grabbing for her carton): Is not!

PETER: Look, it’s all thick and jiggly. It’s jelly!

PETER: Peaches, how could you? Betraying your brothers! Sister!

 

            (He reaches into PEACHES’s purse and pulls out a loaf of bread. PETER takes a slice and breaks it in half; it’s been toasted.)

 

PETER: Already toasted!

 

            (He throws the toast to the ground and stomps on it, much to the yells of dismay and anxious eyes of his group’s members.)

 

PETER: Do you see what this does, people? It grabs you. It torments you. Yes, I feel the pangs. Yes, I feel. Why do I do what I do? Because I was like Peaches there. Groveling on my knees before a slice of bread. A slice of bread licked by the heat of tiny wires. Smothered in butter. Dripping with jelly… I, I do this because I understand. (sobs) I feel!

PEACHES: Oh, Peter, honey, I’m sorry… It is hard. It will be hard. But we have to, have to stand up to this. The urge, we have to control it. Yes, stand up John. Richard.

 

            (Everyone stands and they clasp hands in a circle around PETER, who is crying in the center of the floor by himself. The group sways around him.)

 

MARY: I’m sorry, Peter! Paul! I sent him to the Market to get the bread! It was me! He said no but I said I’d divorce him if he didn’t go! He must’ve been so flustered! He never saw that deer!

JOHN: Richard and I!

RICHARD: John, no!

JOHN: We’ve been spending our life savings on bread! Butter! Jelly!

RICHARD: I’ve been spending my nights trying to invent a toast patch. I thought it’d be easier, honestly. But I’ve just been eating the ingredients. (sobs)

 

            (They hug tightly in the circle and breakaway. They see that PETER is nibbling on the toast that he had stomped on earlier.)

 

ALL: Peter, no!

 

CURTAIN

Reviews

[Roger Ferguson II]

is this about some AA meeting for jelly and toast addicts? =)

[Star Catcher]

Oh my god, that is absolutely hilarious. Very witty.