our story begins ch1

“They don’t understand us!” shouted the priest, standing on a little wooden box in the middle of the road. “They think we have it made here, howev’a, we struggle to survive everyday!” Han stood in front of him, staring in complete confusion. ‘Such a way with words’ he thought sarcastically, there was a huge crowd around the priest, and they all laughed under their breaths as he shouted nonsense about the higher authority, even though the royal guards stood by and watched as he curses them for not helping us in our time of dire need or so he said. It wasn’t long before they approached him, he turned to the firm touch of one of the three guards, just before he could react they flung him to the floor. He smashed into the ground, all you heard from him was a quick respire from the impact. The people of Anthelom stood laughing at the man who was just flung onto the ground, but Han did nothing and just stared at something on the roof of the building next to them.

It was a black figure, a man actually, dressed in a black cloak, he wore a black witch like hat, stylish leather boots with silver lace holes, he was sitting on his bum with one leg arched while the other laid flat on the red concrete roof, they were ,however, parallel to each other. He just sat there, staring at the priest with the most blank face Han had ever seen, the man then stood up and reached into his boot, he pulled out a red feather, but attached to the feather was a small throwing dagger. Hans eyes widened in fear of being attacked and immediately dropped to the ground. Han looked up and saw the man throw the dagger right next to the priests foot. It was only inches away from hitting his foot. Everyone in the area gasped and frantically looked around to try and find the source of the thrown dagger. The man dropped down from the roof and slowly walked up to the priest. “You’re pathetic.” he said whilst looking down and seeing his terrified face. The man turned and looked at the people in the crowd.

“Attention all of you, there is nothing to fear, i am Alexander Clay and i am the new headmaster of the Crimson Hope clan, we have studied you all very carefully,” he paused and glanced towards Han “and we have found a way to make your lives very easy, you work, you eat, you love, you die, and you dont ask questions, nothing is in jeopardy,” he paused again and turned to the guards that had a hold of the priest, nodded, then looked back out into the crowd, “But if you disturb the peace here in Anthelom,” the guard to the left of the priest snapped his finger to summon a small flame, he flicked his wrist and the flame traveled to his shoulder, his whole arm was on fire, “then there must be a consequence.” The man turned to the priest and stared him in the eye, he mouthed something that Han couldn’t put together, he could make out only one small phrase, and this was stuck in Hans mind all night. He lied on his bed, on his side, in fetal position, muttering this small yet well at heart word for Han repeatedly, because he just didn’t understand it. “Thank you” Han repeated.

Author's Note

this is not a finnal draft so i can and will change anything i feel is off.

Reviews

[Leon C]

Hello,

I like the dynamic style of your writing and though you obviously have a clear sense of time and place it isn't clear in your writing. You need to spend a little time describing the scene. This will draw the reader into your world and help them to understand what is happening.

[John Elridge Medlin]

There is some good stuff here. I really like the story you had to tell. It is very clear that you want to tell it too. I do agree, I think it would benefit with a little bit more of a description. Not too much though. Its good to let readers use their imagination.

The biggest thing I see is grammar. There are many run on sentences. I would read through it and think of a different way of phrasing things. It amazed me how changing the order of some words could make such a world of difference.

I am interested to see where the story will go from here. This is an interesting start to something that I hope will be amazing! Just stay at it. Take it from someone who has been writing for a while. If you slow down its easy to stop.