Chapter 1: The Legend of the Haunted Armor

An excerpt from my novel.

King Raaksha
                    
No, he is not one of the seven horsemen of the apocalypse, nor does he have the slightest clue
that there was in fact a prophecy as such that was even foretold. (The world where he resides is entirely different from the one where an upcoming apocalypse was scheduled to happen) Perhaps, there was a similar prophecy on his counterpart. Maybe, he knew that he was part of that grand scheme; but he definitely does not give a damn about it. What he only cared about was his queen,his daughter and his blood lust. 

Especially his blood lust. It started when he saw for the first time his father won a decisive battle in a long feudal war. Mind that he was barely 6 when he first saw blades cut through human flesh & body parts being chopped off. though it was only from a distant, it was still sufficient enough to stir up a new hunger within the boy's soul. At the age of 18, he completed his training with the steel; all of the master swordsman agreed without dispute that there wasn't a master as young as he was, not since the wizards McPheras & Thibault. When he was 21, he was simply the most charming bachelor within the neighboring realms. It didn't take long before he became too popular with the princesses that they began lining up to court him. Yes, court him, and again this was entirely a different world, princesses courting princes were rather the tradition. But like how he pierced the hearts of his opponents in blinding speed, he didn't bother doing it also with the princesses.One unforgettable instance was when Anika, the most beautiful of the princesses, visited his homeland to confess her love for him.
 
"I offer you myself and anything you want... offer me your love."
"Scar your face."
"It is done."
"You look hideous with that scar, i guess you'll just have to settle with a lesser groom than I."
                    
And with that absurd encounter, both kingdoms went to war. only for the conclusion to be drawn with Anika's army ending up dead. It went like that for at least the cost of two more kingdoms before Raaksha's father finally decided to be at peace with the other kingdoms. Prince Raaksha for his part was very dismayed for he's always coveted conflict. So he went on an adventure together with his trustworthy father figure servant.

Reviews

[CRBain]

Too short for anything 'in depth', but so far what I get from it is that the story itself might be exciting, but the way you write about it feels a bit bland. "It started when", "one unforgettable instance..." "and with that" are all examples of sort of by-the-numbers writing. I know whats going on, but I don't hear your (the writers) voice in it. To me, when writing fantasy, you have to try hard to make it not seem like just another fantasy story. Having a less passive voice in your narrating can help to give the story character. Let the narrators voice convey what emotion the reader should be feeling.

[KLMazon]

I enjoy the story behind this, however I do have a few tweaks I'd like to suggest if you are willing to hear them out. Message me.

[Natalya]

I love it. Usually, when a story this short is written, it leaves me in boredom and I don't do as though it is a waste of time. But as for this one, it was well said and had a good plot to it. It turned out real well.

[the Game Master]

Thanks Natalya! Though almost all people I asked to read this always returned a good review, I'm more interested in the parts you/they dislike. I hope you really enjoyed it from the bottom of your heart

[Natalya]

I really did. Im a picky reader and I dont have a favorite genre. If a book catches my eye then it is quite special. I dont like non fiction yet I found one that I loved called "Chinese Cinderella"

[Kurisutin]

I like it. I think it has an interesting plot. It was nicely presented. There wasn't a single moment of confusion for me. Sooo, what's the prince's love story gonna be like since he actually found himself a queen? Poor princess Anika...

[the Game Master]

Hahahahaha, I don't think the prince/King Raaksha is too worried with that; after all, he has princesses lining up to court him ;) And thanks a lot for reading! Though I was hoping you could point out the bad parts.

[Kurisutin]

Oh right... Well then, perhaps expand on the narrations even more? Since this is a novel. And we all have to understand more the character, and I really think it's essential for this one. Probably some more quotable quotes from his past x) engaging conversation and the like... Sorry, it really seemed okay to me (cause I probably preferred watching movies than reading the story and this is how I want my movies presented)... I hope this helps x)

[the Game Master]

Duly Noted! Thanks for your remarks, that's what I wanted to hear from you!

[Kurisutin]

No prob! And thanks too for reading my poem x)