Chapter 1

I walked into the building with my head down, shuffling my feet in that way that just made me want to slap myself even more.  I nodded to the security guard behind the desk, just barely this side of being impolite.  I knew that the guard liked me.  Had tried to  chat me up on an occasion or two.  I didn’t tell anyone about my private life so it wasn’t like I could say I was married or in a relationship.  So, usually, I kept my head down and plowed through the doors, nodding so as not to be rude.

I made the elevator with a sigh, grateful for the small enclosed space, even though I was a little claustrophobic.  I worked second shift and there weren’t a lot of people arriving so I had it to myself as I jabbed my finger at the button for my floor repeatedly, the doors sliding closed.  I sighed again and tried to slap on a mask of indifference as the elevator climbed.  Jack always said I was too sensitive, that I shouldn’t let things get to me.  “They’re only words,” he would say.  I smiled a little.  Shyly, to myself, as I always did.  Jack could always make me smile.

The elevator dinged and the doors slid open again.  I tried to raise my head high, to be able to look people in the eye, but years of teasing and abuse did not lend well to being able to interact with others.  I started shuffling forward as I heard the chords of a lively conversation from the break room to my right.  One coworker patting her bulging stomach and commenting, “The baby’s due any day now.  I can’t wait.  I feel like I’m going to explode!”  She laughed breathlessly, clearly beautiful in her pregnancy.

Another blurting out, “I wish I could convince my wife to try.  I’d really like to start a family.  But she says we’re not in a place financially to start a family.  Plus, the hours.”

“Being a lawyer doesn’t exactly lend to taking care of a baby.”

I tried not to be upset by the conversation.  I should be happy that they were happy.  It was envy that colored my perception of their conversation into something painful and ugly.  That was what I wanted.  I loving spouse, a beautiful baby.  It was a dream I knew would never come to fruition, but one could always hope.

Further down the hall, I saw a handful of people standing with their coffee mugs, having a heated debate.  With the political climate, it could really only be one topic.  I so didn’t want to hear this.  I took a detour to the left long before my cubicle came into view, but still heard the raised voices over the tops of the cloth-covered partitions.

“It’s not right.”

“It’s not natural.”

“It’s just kind of gross.  I mean, could you imagine?”

Out of morbid curiosity, I turned back to watch the lot of them shudder.  I turned around again and closed my eyes, wondering what was wrong with me?  I guess it was like a train wreck.  You knew it was coming, knew the devastation, and yet you couldn't look away.

“I can’t believe that they are demanding the right to marry!”  Did it matter to them that they weren’t allowed to talk about politics at work?  Apparently not.

I made it to my desk without further comment.  At least, none that I could hear.  Content to play the ostrich for a few hours, I buried my head in paperwork until lunchtime.