Lost Childhood

As a child
all that I ever wanted was
To grow up.
All my wildest fantasies began with
"When I grow up..."
and then followed a list so long
It never seemed enough
Until
I actually grew up.

I could now pick a novel of my choice
Instead of being handed over a children's book
While I sat in the library,
shifting uneasily in my chair.
My eyes still glued to those uppper racks
Wondering what words of wisdom filled those mighty pages that
I was being deprived of.

I could now stay out for as long as I wanted
Instead of worrying to get home by 8.
I could even skip my afternoon naps
Drink as much as I could
Party as hard as possible
Sing as loud as my vocal chords allowed
I could work, and earn, and spend
And work harder, and earn bigger.
I could dress the way I wanted to.
Act as I felt like
Travel as far as land stretched.

I could think, and feel, and touch, and love, and betray, and trust, and pretend, and speak, and oppose,
and cry louder, and laugh harder, worry better, let go faster.
I could practically do almost everything a grown up was capable of.
But,

I couldn't be a child again.

I could be free, but not carefree.
I could express, and yet I remained silent.
I could go out, and yet I chose to stay indoors.
I could laugh, and yet not be happy.
I could be sad, but not cry like a kid.
I could be devastated, and yet pretend to be better than ever.
I could skip naps, and yet I chose to take those pills.
I could have a bed all to myself, and yet I lay curled up in the corner.

I still had that long "To Do" list in my pocket, and yet I felt so aimless.
I had a million things to do, and yet life seemed purposeless.
I had a hundred people around, and yet felt isolated.

And then, one day, I finally understood it all.
I realized what growing up actually was.
It was a huge golden box, gift wrapped with red ribbons.
The kind of box that draws all attention on a Christmas eve.

It took me years to unpack it and when I finally did,
I saw it. I found it. It was there.
Right in front of me.
It was empty.
As empty as was the concept of growing up.

Now it all made sense.
It literally took me years to finally get what they called 'the privilege of being a grown up'
And now that I eventually grew up
I wonder if I ever wanted to.

Author's Note

Here's a poem dedicated to the wonderful childhood, that sadly, isn't coming back!
Happy reading!!

Reviews

[lessa (kenzie)]

this is truthful, as well nice

[Desiree O'Neal]

Aww, this was sweet, and true all I ever wanted to do was grow up but now I want t be a kid again haha