Soul Searching

Being a cancer patient has taught me many things about the world, life, family, love, and, possibly the most important, myself. I’m finally moving on, moving past cancer “patient” onto cancer “survivor.” From the first surgery and diagnosis (Feb. 2012) until recently I never allowed myself to think about or emote over what was happening to me, I couldn't journey down that rabbit hole for the fear that I would be too far gone. I’m rediscovering myself, redefining, reinventing, relearning who I was, melting that person into the new creating the best possible me I can be.

Through my cancer journey I found inner strength, peace, and comfort I never knew existed. I learned of my compassion and empathy towards others I had not known before. Being thrown into that situation opened my eyes to the catastrophic beauty the world possesses.  The rain smells sweeter, the kiss of my beloved is softer.  Somehow, even in the chaos, everything has its place, its reason. All evil is disgusting, ugly, but I feel it is necessary to balance the world. I used to believe in karma not so much anymore. I do, however, believe everything happens for a reason, God’s reason, and we don’t have to know why, though the question hangs hauntingly unanswered.

Writing has always been the escape I've turned to when I needed to liberate the creative nectar. Putting ink to paper, letting the words ooze from my finger tips, silent as they whisper from my tongue.  I've connected with music in a passionate, moving way. Music changes my mood, my whole being at times. In an instant the melody flows with the lyric and I am in tears, inviting love, cursing pains or vivaciously singing along. Food, the magnificent, pleasantly pleasing, evil, beautiful concoctions that can be created once were an outlet inspired by sauces, meats, and delightful colors. Satisfying others through their taste was fulfillment.

When I was diagnosed I had several surgeries and immediately began chemo. I was thrown into a never ending, ever whirling mystifying vertigo.Pause. Life was on pause. Emotions were limited by the fear of side effects and suicide. Pain seemed immortal. I was not. Bed, sleep, the sweet surrender to Ativan and ambien was the escape then. Mindless indulgence in TV until the sleep consumed me became the norm. There were no words written, music faded into the background a ghost, and food rarely touched tongue.

Now it is time to reconnect! Create. Compose syllables, generate life. Dance with music, let it enfold me.  Bake confectionery treats, fill the bellies with savory delights.  Soul searching has found me susceptible to adventure, trying on life with enthusiasm, craving creativity and letting love surround me. I’m happy here, learning and discovering the balance between the old and new me. Hoping you’ll join me.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

I liked your story.
"Now it is time to reconnect! Create. Compose syllables, generate life. Dance with music, let it enfold me. Bake confectionery treats, fill the bellies with savory delights. Soul searching has found me susceptible to adventure, trying on life with enthusiasm, craving creativity and letting love surround me. I’m happy here, learning and discovering the balance between the old and new me. Hoping you’ll join me."
I would be glad to join a journey of someone who have known the battle to survived and lived. Your words wold be amazing and powerful to read. Thank you for sharing the amazing story.
Coyote

[Mandi]

Thank you so much!!! I'm excited for this next chapter in my life and writing more!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome and please send read requests.

[Woody]

beautiful and touching. thank you for sharing this slice of your life with us, Mandi. this can certainly serve as a lesson to many. glad for you that life has turned for the better :)

[Nila M.]

Wow, incredibly personal write. I admire that you would share such emotional details about an experience that's so life altering. And the sense of positivity and re-connecting is really uplifting. I wouldn't dare to imagine that anyone who hasn't had this experience could know what it was really like for you, but this is a very thoughtful and emotional insight. Thank you.

[NeiL ArandA]

I have asked the same question. Why not so good things happen to some people ?

[Lani Lou]

Beautifully written. I too am a cancer survivor and learned at a (too) young age that life is a roller coaster and too many people take it for granted. The little things in this life are what we live for, and a simple smile can mean the world. While we are granted time on this earth, it's our job to explore it, love it, and live everyday like a new beginning.

Thanks for sharing.