Dependency and the Anticlimax

Words that needed to be said. Raw and true tonight.

Euphoria when its good its good. I am not depressed but I am in a depression. I don't even want to sleep, but I don’t want to die. It all feels like life has just stopped and there is nothing real to look forward to anymore. I called the only person in my life that I can usually count on to help me understand the real the thing I must live for, the thing that is my live for. But she answered me with whine and left out the cheese. Now I am left with nothing, a blackness that cannot be filled with the loud rantings of the tv. The voices don't fill the void. They are meaningless , which in reality they are. There is no truth in them. It is a well-orchestrated lie weaved together by the masters of money and hypnotism. It doesn't help me tonight. I can't sleep. I can't dream. Not anymore not tonight. No dream left to fight for. Lonely life. I have to live as there is only the void waiting for me when I give up. I feel. But I don't feel much. One sided. Slump as emotion ooze.

I needed out. I am here away, longing to be back in. Touch. Love, wanting. Noble is my enemy even as it is my savior. To act is to betray, and to betray has no return flight. Numb I must play, play will end the numbness. I need my friend and I pushed her away because she needs me. Dumb. Will sleep bring the darkness or will light rush behind it as my eyes close and the night takes me? Damn body. Perfection that is unachieved, failing my me. When it is good it is good, when it is bad, tomorrow will be good. Hope is tomorrow.

Author's Note

Written as an exercise to rid myself of the negative inside. Looking for comments on what you think of the style, is it too distracting?

Reviews

[FinleyBelan]

Depression is an important topic and I admire the courage it took to share your personal experience. My first comment to you is that you grabbed my attention from the beginning and I was never tempted to stop reading. At least for my standards, a good thing in a short piece.

You explain in your follow up comment that you wrote this for yourself as an exercise to rid the "negative inside" inside of yourself. I commend you for knowing your audience and the purpose of your writing.

The feedback that you're requesting is whether the style of your writing is distracting? I hope you will revisit that request and appreciate the conflict you're presenting. The only person who can really answer that question is you. Did the piece accomplish what you hoped? Did you feel less negative after this writing exercise? When you read it back to yourself, did you find the style distracted you?

I'm truly not trying to be a smart a*s about it. What would be a gift to anyone wrestling with depression is for you to keep writing from the depths of your experiences, as this piece began for me. I don't find your "stream of consciousness" style of writing distracting as long as it's 100% authentic. When writing in your own voice, integrity is everything.

If you want to share this personal piece with others, my suggestion is to make sure it feels honest to you. Make sure the honesty hasn't been edited and modified in an attempt to manipulate the outcome. The audience for this piece will feel it and that will be the only distraction, not the style.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, your writing and for being brave enough to reach out. May you receive my comments in the spirit in which I offer them ... as encouragement to keep writing.

Gratitude, FinleyBelan