Leave

We shouldnt stay, the air is toxic to breathe,

Move towards the door, lets not stay any longer than we need,

I can feel my mind decaying, my hue is changing color,

My faith in us weakens in the eyes of another,

It makes me wonder if i've been broken all along,

To have fallen and swept by another birds song.

Confessing, i look at her eyes and mutter the words,

Expressing to her the numbness I've recently incurred...

Author's Note

Help me improve, what are your thoughts ?

Reviews

[Goulden Bean]

Oooh, I like this poem! You create a stark bleak feeling, like something has been lost. Self-doubt, the loss of passion... very nice work!

I'd recommend working on the meter a bit, it doesn't flow at some portions. I think you were going a ba-BAH ba-BAH iambic meter, but at some parts it gets thrown off. Make sure to watch where the emphasis falls! Also, your AABBCCDD rhyme scheme gets thrown off because on the first line, I think you mean "breathe" (breeth) instead of "breath" (breth).

Very nice work on this poem, and I wanna see more poems from you in the future! Keep at it!

[blur]

Will definetely work on this! Thank you for your feedback!