Without a trace.

How can a person leave the world without leaving a trace?

I let out a silent scream, a scream aching for freedom, a scream for help, a scream to beg for at least a bit of attention without being thrown away.

Two nights ago, while hearing to my father's yelling all night long, I ran to my bathroom & locked myself in there. I broke my promise. I took the razor again. I pressed it against my wrist and as I wanted to proceed, my father's words rang into my head "she doesn't know what to do nor do I know what to do about her. she's just stupid and clueless." 

I dropped the razor and just cried. Beads of tears fell onto my wrist. It began to redden as the result of the pressure I exerted. I straight, thin cut emerged. A sight I haven't seen for ages. I started to cry. 

What was I doing to myself? I thought I promised myself never to do this anymore. 

This...this mental torture...how can I deal with this any longer? Dad, what do you want me to do when you see me as a failure and you yell at everything I do. Everything I do is wrong. Everything you say is right. If I give a reason for my actions, you'd say I'm talking back and you'd hit me. 

Mom, why are you always on his side? You never took notice of my sore eyes I cried at night thinking about what I have done to displease everyone in this house?

I turned on the shower and sat underneath it, water splashing on me. It was cold and I was already crying. Somehow it felt better. 

I've thought of running away far too many times. But if I were to run, where should I go? I have no one. I want to go where my parents won't find me. If they bothered. I want to leave and not leaving any traces behind.

I wanted to get away. 

Was I selfish? It was then I decided to just put up with it. I will try my best.

Today, I finally managed to sleep after months of being insomniac, not being able to sleep for days, pretty much messed up sleeping pattern...I finally dozed off & slept thinking "today was a good day it seemed". 

I was wrong. 

Mother woke me off, yelling at me, saying how I have done nothing & telling me to switch off the damned computer as I do nothing good.

What does she wants me to do?

I cried. I got yelled at as a response. 

Can I die?

No.

I've thought about dying a lot recently. How tired I am. How all this seemed meaning less. But I thought about my parents. I thought about how ashamed they might be of me. I thought they'll never consider me as their daughter if I do take that step. 

What is there to do?

"Go out and have fun with your friends."

My parents locked us up in the house. They never allow any of us go anywhere, especially me. They see the outside world as a cruel place to be. They'll be afraid I'll be doing drugs or ending up bringing shame to the family.

Friends? No one wants me around. I never get invited to anything because they know I will turn down their offer. Reason why I am always alone. My parents blamed me for not being able to socialise.

Tell me what is there to do?

I've cried many tears.

I still have sanity in me, reason why I'm still here.

What is there to do?

Nothing. There is nothing to do except.....

.....pretend nothing ever happened and carry on....

.....no matter how painful it is.

Author's Note

comments are highly appreciated.