The Ecstasy of Mail

bullshit fiction

Was standing in the kitchen, waiting for the mailman (lady). Along came Tuesday's elephant, only it wasn't Tuesday's elephant . It was a different elephant entirely. Her legs were shorter and her eyes were all wrong. I tried to ask myself, out loud, just what in the hell was going on, but my brain garbled the message en route to my mouth, and it sounded all fucked up when it got there. I watched in disbelief as she trampled down Morrison Avenue, some knock-off, watered down, generic version of Tuesday's elephant, sauntering about as if she were indeed the genuine article. I sat down in my favorite chair, loudly proclaiming "I will not stand for this!" as I reached for the phone.

 

I decided to dial up City Hall to see if they had some sort of explanation, some sort of justification for the ol' 'Trying To Slip One By You' routine that was unfolding before my eyes. Then I remembered that the phone lines were out and had been out for the last three weeks. At that point I almost felt like writing a letter. You know, something to the effect of "Dear City Hall, You're not fooling anyone. Sincerely Yours" and so on. I leapt from my favorite chair, and in a brisk and orderly fashion I eased into my letter writing chair. It's a special chair, for you see, I suffer from Chronic Yet Somehow Random Dyslexia Syndrome (CYSRDS). The chair helps quite a bit. But that is another story altogether.

 

My exitement in writing the now famous letter led me to ponder the mailman (lady)'s whereabouts. My thoughts began to wander, the pen followed suit. . . "Oh beautiful mailman (lady). How I long to kiss your beautiful lips. If there was only a way to profess this undying love without you requesting a route change based on the claim that some weirdo who waits outside in the rain for his mail is kinda creeping you out. It's a very important package that I am waiting for. You see, I finally found a copy of "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" original motion picture soundtrack on 180 gram virgin vinyl. Ebay has graciously rewarded my vigilant patience for only $9.95 (Buy It Now) and I only want to invite you in so you can hear "The Ecstasy of Gold" pumped through a 500 watt, tube driven preamp, causing you to fall in love with me and leave your war veteran husband to look after the kids as we sail around the Pacific Ocean in a boat I built just for you. With my bare hands. Whilst fighting savage bears. On a mountain top. . ."

 

Hours piled upon hours and the composition sprawled into the late afternoon. Just where in the hell was the mailman (lady)? he (she) should have been here by now. The setting sun finally broke it to me that there was to be no mail that particular Tuesday. I know it sounds strange, but the sun looked sad, or maybe apologetic. It looked as if it felt sorry for me on this wasted day void of mail and love. Long story short, it was totally the Tuesday elephant. On her second pass through town, I saw the beast in all her glory. It was her all along.

 

I blame the Post Office. They make me wait too long, I start to see things.

Reviews

[Hedra Helix]

Haha

f**k dude, you're so funny, I'd forgotten how easy the sentences flowed. Funny while fully in yer head. Comes through the words, greased like buttah. Write more sir.

Hope yer kickin a*s.