Back at Her Place

A one night stand turns last man standing.

Back at Her Place

(scene one)

(Curtain opens to a couple sitting across from each other at a diner. The man, peter, is an average looking guy in his late twenties. His date, Jean, is an attractive girl with a sort of quirky air about her. They have both been sitting and talking at the diner for some time and have grown rather fond of each other. Peter is halfway through a story from work.)

 

Peter: …So Im like yeah, but it’ll take more than some hot glue and scissors to fix that!

Jean: (laughing) Oh my god! You are just too funny! 

Peter: Don’t forget smart and devilishly handsome.

Jean: Well I’m not too sure about smart,(she giggles) but I am having a really nice time.

Peter:I don’t usually make good first impressions, but things aren’t going that bad. There aren’t many people left that are still into ska, and the fact that you know more about the princess bride than I do is just…

Together: Inconceivable!

Peter: Exactly! (they both laugh)

Jean: I don’t want you to think I’m this kind of girl, but  do you wanna head back to my motel room. I mean, only if you want to.

Peter: Of course, but I’ll surely kill you in the morning.

(Lights dim)

Scene 2:

(the couple enters jean’s motel room stage right. There is a couch center stage and a large wardrobe stage right.)

Jean: you can have a seat on the couch right over there. Im going to slip into something more… comfortable.

Peter: Ok, is it all right if I stay uncomfortable?

(jean laughs as she heads offstage into the kitchen/bedroom stage right. Peter sits down on the couch and starts playing on his phone. After a short while there is a loud thump from the wardrobe.)

Peter: What in the world could that be?

(there is another thump and peter gets up to investigate. He slowly approaches the wardrobe. Just as he is about to touch the door there is one more bang and the doors burst open. A bound and gagged Dr. Lesley Kyle falls out of the wardrobe.)

Peter: Holy s**t!

Jean: (Rushing back on stage dressed in a sexy policewoman outfit with a riling crop in one hand) (worried)Peter! Whats…(notices the man) Oh, wow! How did that get there.

(peter, shocked and horrified, gestures at the man and speaks unintelligibly)

Jean: There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this… Oh yes! I forgot to tell you! This is my cousin Lesley he’s staying with me for the weekend.

Peter:(furious and confused) He was tied up and shoved into your closet!

Jean: Yeah… he’s into some weird stuff.

Peter: That’s completely insane!

Jean: Peter, I thought you were above judging people. Honestly that’s pretty low.

Peter:(flustered) No, not him. How do you possibly think you can take the moral high ground here, and what the hell are you wearing?

Jean: You don’t like the sexy cop thing?

Peter: NO!

Jean: Really? I think it’s pretty hot.(sexily) Come on Petey, don’t you wanna get put under arrest?

Peter: No! Jesus why would I ever want to…

Jean: So like, nothing about this is turning you on?

Peter: In case you've forgotten, there’s a kidnapped man on the floor.

Jean: Well if he’s the problem we can just go in the other room. It’ll be like he’s not even there. 

Peter: I think your missing the main issue here.

Jean: I kidnap people. So what? Everyone has their hobbies. Some people collect stamps. Can you imagine how bored and crazy you have to be to do that?

Peter: That’s a hobby. This is a felony.

Jean: That hurts my feelings. 

(mockingly) Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Peter: I can’t even count how many things are wrong here. Who is this guy anyway?

Jean: He’s my psychiatrist.

Peter: what did he ever do?

Jean: Well, I’m kidnapping people, so obviously he sucks at his job.

Peter:God...just why would you bring me back here when you have your psychiatrist shoved in a closet.

Jean: well I thought he’d be like, comatose.

Peter: what?

Jean: I shot him up with like tons of elephant tranquilizer. Frankly I’m surprised he’s not dead.

Peter: And you thought it’d be fine for you to just bring me back here?

Jean: Like I said I am just amazed he’s alive. Just listen to him (she pulls the tape off his mouth)

Dr. Kyle: Blurh help pdfisru.

Jean: what a trooper. Isn’t he just adorable. 

Peter: Oh my god! Is he going to be all right.

Jean: Probably not. He’s been here for like a week now and he’s not holding up well. I think he might be brain damaged now or something.

Peter: I’m calling the cops.

Jean: (Pulls a gun from the holster on her costume.) Yeah your not gonna do that.

Peter: Oh s**t. Please tell me thats just part of the costume.

Jean: no, I tend to keep my role playing pretty authentic.

Peter: Ok. I take it back. We can go in the other room and you can do whatever you want with me.

Jean: Im sorry pete but you’ve seen too much.

Peter: But I’m so young! Please don’t kill me! I never got to meet John Stamos! Do whatever you want to my body, but just don’t kill me!!!!

Jean: I’m sorry peter. 

(jean fires and Peter screams extremely loud)

Peter:(searching his body for bullets) I’m alive?

Jean: It was a blank you idiot.

Peter: But…

Jean: you really think I’m crazy enough to keep a loaded gun in the house?

Peter: Aren’t the police going to come now. The whole neighborhood probably heard that.

Jean: S**t! Right! But you should have seen the look on your face!

Peter: well the cops ARE coming and they’re going to lock you the hell up.

Jean: Oh not today my striped yellow friend.

Peter: What, how are you going to…(Jean grabs him and cuffs his hands together) Hey!

Jean: Well now that your all tied up i’ll explain whats about to go down. The cops will arrive and find you and I in the room with Dr. Kyle here. I will inform the officers that you have been using this motel room for nefarious purposes. Because of this nifty cop getup they’ll never suspect a thing.

Peter: That’ll never work.

Jean: Yes it will. Unless of course some mystery solving teenagers come along. And all the orphan meat in your mini fridge won’t help your case. Oh and I almost forgot (she whacks peter over the head and he falls unconscious)

(sirens start to blair outside and a police officer bursts through the door stage right.)

Jean: Buffalo’s finest sure are “Johnny on the spot” today.

Officer McClane: Whats going on in here!?

Jean:(poorly acting) Hello fellow officer! I have just apprehended this criminal. He has been holding and abusing this man for at least a week. 

Officer McClane: Good work officer.

Jean: if you’ll excuse me, I have other police lady like duties to attend to.

Officer McClane: Oh then I won’t keep you.

Jean: (while Exiting stage right) Oh yeah, don’t forget to check the fridge!

(lights dim)

Scene 3:

(open to peter sitting crouched on the floor of a jail cell. He looks scared and very shell shocked. A few feet away from him, Tim is seated looking a little more comfortable but still a bit anxious looking on the floor. Tim is much bigger, but speaks somewhat softly)

Tim: (Pausing for a while after every phrase) So that probably won’t happen on a nightly basis…I just don’t want you to think I’m one of those guys… so was it like…

Peter:(aggravated) You can really just stop talking now tim!

(Tim looks hurt and looks at peter for a bit. He cheers up and scooches closer too peter.)

Tim: Hey...buuuddyy...I know what’ll cheer you up… how about... a song!

Peter: I am 200% sure that will not help at all.

(tim begins to sing and peter droops his head.)

Tim: (Singing) ‘cause baby you’re a firework come on show ’em what you’re worth make ’em go, “Aah, aah…”(an explosive goes off, and tim screams) Aaaaaaaah!

(Jean and her friend Grey enter stage right. Grey is a skinny shifty looking guy in his thirties.)

Jean: How’s it going friendo!

Peter: You!

Jean: Yes, it is I! Glad to see me?

Peter: You got me locked up in here!

Jean: yes, and you’re shenanigans screwed up my whole weekend, but I’ve moved past that. Now I’m here to save the day!

Peter: Even for someone as crazy as you, why would you go to the trouble of busting me out?

Jean: What, you don’t break your friends out of jail?

Peter: I don’t have friends in jail. Why are you really here?

Jean: Well call me a romantic, but that night I really thought we had a connection. 

(peter stares dumbfounded)

Jean: So I was driving away from the hotel, feeling lonely and bored, so I thought,

“who has two thumbs and friends with high explosives?(points thumbs at herself) This Gal!” (remembering Grey who has been standing silent) Oh, yeah, this is Grey.

Grey: Sup.

Jean: Yeah, he starts fires and stuff. 

Peter: I’ve been in here for two weeks!

Jean: I was busy. Are you coming or not?

Tim: He’s not going any where with you!

Jean: (chuckling) Oh really?

Tim: Yeah me and him, we’re really happy here. Sure he complains sometimes, but I treat him right. You can’t…

Peter: For the love of god shut up!

Tim: Sorry, Pete

Jean: Wait… you and him?

Peter: Yeah, it actually does happen. Can we get the hell out of here now?

Tim: You’re not taking my peety sweety away!

(he starts moving to attack Jean. Jean then pulls out a taser and stuns Tim. He falls to the ground unconscious.)

Jean: That was insanely fun! Why doesn’t everyone have one of these?(to peter) Hey Shawshank! Wanna try giving some back for a change?

Peter: Up yours Jean.

Jean: More Like the other way around. (she high fives grey)

Peter: I hate you.

Jean: You better watch yourself, Peter. I might not bail you out after our next date night.

Peter: There is definitely not going to be a “next date night.”

Jean: Why not? I busted you out of Jail! if you haven’t noticed I’m kind of the coolest.

Peter: You’re kind of psychotic too.

Jean: I’ve already tweeted all about how much of a couple we are. If you back out now you’ll totally screw up my twitter reliability.

Peter: Who in their right mind would follow you?

Jean: Like, everyone! Like I said, Im kind of the coolest. Plus there’s like all these pictures of my b***s on there, but that’s mainly just to draw in followers.

Peter: All right! I guess since things aren’t messed up enough already, I’ll start dating the sociopath.

Jean: Yay! One second.(she pulls out her phone and starts typing aloud) Me and Peety R totes the cutest couple in da world! Smiley Face!

Peter: Someone shoot me.

Jean: Like you’d rather stay here with Bad Touch Tim!

Peter: Fine, lets go.

Jean: Now that’s better.(they move to exit together) You really should be thanking me. After all…

(Sirens Blair and Officer McClane enters confused)

Officer McClane: Officer?! What’s the Meaning of this?

Jean: There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this…

(Curtain)