A Choice For the Wine Enthusiast: A Satire

A Story by M.A. Miller

A satire about the way in which supporters of a woman's right to choose are viewed

M.A. Miller
The following is a work of satire. Do not take it literally, as it is deplorable advice.
Fine dining (as it has always been) is a staple in the lifestyle of the upper classes in any civilized society. There are, of course, those select few leftists who prefer a more exotic experience for the palette. To that extent, these progressives seek out that rarest of dishes, harder to chance upon than a prime steak taken from a white tiger, despite its everyday availability and commonplace appearance: the human child. The flesh of human infants is an entre which has been popularized by Barack Obama, a man with a very respectable track record in such areas. Some wish not only to dine on such rarities, but to accompany them with the correct beverage. Therefore it is my intent to deliberate, and presently delineate the correct choice of wine with which to enjoy a youngling.
It has long been known that the members of the Democrat Party have quite the appetite for the death of babies. Their zeal is such that they do it quite prematurely, at times before the babe is even birthed. Such an early butchery leads to quite gamy meat. Other times, however, the child is executed far too late. At eighteen years of age, Republicans (lacking in taste as they are) ship mass quantities of the stock overseas where they are killed much more efficiently, yet at that point they are past their prime in terms of taste. For this reason I cannot recommend this method. It pains me that it is considered improper to slaughter them between those two ages because ages three to five are when the flavor is at its peak. However, when they are finally allowed to die--whether by doctor or by bullet--it is important that they be enjoyed with the most satisfying wine to compliment their flavor.
Many questions must be answered before a decision can be made. Is such a meat heavy, and more appropriate to consume with a Merlot? Perhaps it is better savored with a lighter Moscato. Perhaps we should predicate the discussion on which specific section has been prepared. A Blanc for the lean meat? A Pinot for the thigh?
Truly, it all depends on how the baby is prepared. If cooked right--juicy, with just the right texture--call for a dry, tannic red wine: Bordeaux or Cabernet Sauvignons and Merlots; Rhones or Syrah/Shiraz; and Northern Italian reds from Piemonte. If prepared outside the oven, on a spit, grill, or stovetop, it is more acceptable to serve a white flavor; Chenin Blanc or Riesling will do well.
As it would be egregious of me to leave you with the impression that these are the only drinks that should accompany baby’s meat, allow me to be clear; if you feel that another drink should be served in the place of the above suggestions, feel free to use your best judgement. Maybe a Bordeaux isn’t what your murderous leftist taste buds desire with a juicier steak. Sometimes your vicious baby-killing nature tends towards a sweeter wine to accompany your bloodlust. Therefore, my general rule of thumb is that no wine should overpower the taste of the newborn’s natural zest.