CURTAINS

Duh.

   It all started when our uber geek, Curtain McCurtains, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly stunned, Curtain McCurtains slapped a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Happy as a frickin' monkey, he realized that his beloved curtain was missing!  Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Bob the Saft. Curtain McCurtains had known Bob the Saft for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were electric ones.  Bob the Saft was unique. He was easygoing though sometimes a little... stupid. Curtain McCurtains called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Bob the Saft picked up to a very sad Curtain McCurtains. Bob the Saft calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths turn red before mating, yet venomous koalas usually surreptitiously grimace *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Curtain McCurtains.  Why was Bob the Saft trying to distract Curtain McCurtains?  Because he had snuck out from Curtain McCurtains's with the curtain only nine days prior.  It was a electric little curtain... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Curtain McCurtains got back to the subject at hand: his curtain. Bob the Saft sighed. Relunctantly, Bob the Saft invited him over, assuring him they'd find the curtain. Curtain McCurtains grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Bob the Saft realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the curtain and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Curtain McCurtains took the magic flying carpet, he had take at least ten minutes before Curtain McCurtains would get there.  But if he took the curtain rail?  Then Bob the Saft would be excessively screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Bob the Saft was interrupted by eight abrasive pugs that were lured by his curtain. Bob the Saft cringed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he aptly reached for his potato and aimlessly hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the curtain rail rolling up.  It was Curtain McCurtains.

----o0o---- 

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of wolverines, so he knew he was running late.  With a careful leap, Curtain McCurtains was out of the curtain rail and went wildly jaunting toward Bob the Saft's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Bob the Saft was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the curtain into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his hippopotamus. Bob the Saft was exasperated but at least the curtain was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Bob the Saft wildly purred.  With a quick push, Curtain McCurtains opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted flaming idiot in a Jap Trap,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Bob the Saft assured him. Curtain McCurtains took a seat just perfectly far from where Bob the Saft had hidden the curtain. Bob the Saft sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Curtain McCurtains was distracted. Ever so extemperaneously, Bob the Saft noticed a dimwitted look on Curtain McCurtains's face. Curtain McCurtains slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Bob the Saft felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Curtain McCurtains asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the curtain right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A dimwitted look started to form on Curtain McCurtains's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Curtain McCurtains nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Bob the Saft could react, Curtain McCurtains fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The curtain was plainly in view.

   Curtain McCurtains stared at Bob the Saft for what what must've been four nanoseconds. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Bob the Saft groped surreptitiously in Curtain McCurtains's direction, clearly desperate. Curtain McCurtains grabbed the curtain and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Bob the Saft let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Curtain McCurtains,' he rebuked. Bob the Saft always had been a little clueless, so Curtain McCurtains knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Bob the Saft did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. Happy as a frickin' monkey, he gripped his curtain tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Bob the Saft looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Curtain McCurtains. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Curtain McCurtains. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Bob the Saft walked over to the window and looked down. Curtain McCurtains was gone.

----o0o---- 

   Just yonder, Curtain McCurtains was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Bob the Saft's place. Curtain McCurtains had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral pugs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the curtain.  One by one they latched on to Curtain McCurtains.  Already weakened from his injury, Curtain McCurtains yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of pugs running off with his curtain.

   About nine hours later, Curtain McCurtains awoke, his ear throbbing.  It was dark and Curtain McCurtains did not know where he was.  Deep in the uninhabited magical cornfield, Curtain McCurtains was abnormally lost. A few unfulfilled decades later, he remembered that his curtain was taken by the pugs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.  That's when, to his horror, a enormous pug emerged from the disease-infested jungle.  It was the alpha pug. Curtain McCurtains opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the pug sunk its teeth into Curtain McCurtains's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Curtain McCurtains's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

   Less than four miles away, Bob the Saft was entombed by anguish over the loss of the curtain.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened carrot.  With a careful thrust, he buried it deeply into his fingernail.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Curtain McCurtains... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the curtain that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant pugs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

LOLz!!1