My last Spring

listen to my cry

My heart is filled with feelings. I can’t express them. I don’t know where to start. Should I start by saying how lonely I am? Or should I start by telling you how tired I am of everything? It’s strange how lonely people can be. The room is full of people, but no souls can be found. I had no one from the start. No even my beloved mom and dad whom I thought were my everything. They just smiled at me so that they won’t hear my complains. Now that I think about it, not only mom and dad, but everyone else also ended up leaving me alone in a place filled with my ambitions, goals and dreams. Slowly, I watched each one develop a pair of cold hands and started suffocating me leaving me with unbearable emotions. I wanted to break free from those emotions, but when I looked around, I saw so many doors, but each of them lead me to an empty room. I feel like my life is a maze and I’m blindly wandering around the same dead-ended plane. I get jealous when I see other people smile, when I see other people hold hands with someone they can talk to, when I see a mother smile warmly at her child, even when I see someone shedding tears because they always end up being held in a tight hug by a loved one. I hate everyone and everything and even myself. I always ask myself why I’m always cleaning up other people’s mess, why I’m the only person who seems to care. I’m stuck in a big yet so small and shallow house. No matter where I reach, I find a new problem. I’m anxious and depressed. I’m desperately in need for an ear to listen to what I have to say, a pair of eyes to read what’s written in my eyes, a mouth that is able to convey all of the words that I’ve never been able to say because they might be hurtful, and lastly a pair of arms and legs so that I can hold hands and run away with the person I’ve been in love with even before I find out what I’m capable of feeling, you who doesn’t know my heart is under your feet. The doctor, just like anyone else, left with unanswered questions. I don’t know if the pain that I’m feeling everyday is taking me for a better place like hell or an awful place like the life that I’m living right now. 

Please I’m begging you, listen to me one last time and try to understand me. Don’t just nod your head as if you have a littlest idea what I’m feeling. I’m tired of using my keyboard as my mouth and my notes file as my presentation stage. And lastly I will say the unspoken words to each each one of you. Forgive me if I hurt you.

To mom and dad: I didn’t want to come into this world. I asked no one to make me your daughter. I love you both to death, but the almighty power decided I should be reborn, I will never be a part of this darned family. 

To this world: is it really that hard to let me make a plane for myself? I don’t belong in here, do I?

To him: your existence is my biggest punishment and my biggest reward as well. I’m living just to see those eyes smile with joy each day. I will let you know how much I love you before I leave for good. 

To myself: don’t cry, wipe those tears. Hold your own hand and walk in circles on that rocky road you’ve been told is full of flowers. You are what is ruining you. You are the culprit not anyone else. You deserve the hell you’re living in. 

Is it really too late?