IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE

I see you. You see me. Immediate attraction. What are you going to do about it?

I see you from across the street and you are words beyond beautiful. You are all aglow and it separates you from the rest of the people walking towards me.CLOSER. I need to summon the right words to say to capture your attention but I am failing. Nothing makes sense.The words are not coming together like they should. I'm running out of time.CLOSER.Look up and see me. Can't you feel me looking at you? Wanting you?Needing you? Will the world stop just for us? CLOSER. As you walk by me you look up and meet my gaze.Eyes piercing like diamonds. I have your attention and suddenly you smile.Electricity runs through my body. The connection is real but fleeting. You notice me but you keep walking away.FARTHER. I stop walking. I cannot move. I turn around and I see you distance yourself away from me.FARTHER. I am oblivious to the other people passing me by. You are my focus and I watch you intently. Your pace begins to slow down and eventually you stop walking. I know what you're thinking.I know what you're feeling. This is crazy.Take a chance.I am here,waiting.Turn around...turn around.

Author's Note

It happens all the time people meet each other on the street or anywhere and for just one moment they connect. Some people have the confidence to confront their attraction and some turn away just as quickly.

Reviews

[KWP]

ok - so what I think you need to do with a piece like this is show and don't tell - it's okay to let the reader come to their own conclusions, even if they don't match your own. An example your first line ...

I see you from across the street and you are words beyond beautiful - well, you are a poet so you need to articulate for your readers what is it you are seeing that is beyond beautiful ... let me think of something quickly ...

Across the street I see you, you are like the first twinkle in the night sky, are you shining just for me?

(ok that may sound corny - but it is just an example.

Another example 'I am oblivious to the people passing by' here you are telling. Don't do that ... how about something like ... Crowds gush by but my vision is only you. See how its saying the same thing but painting a picture?

Readers will not get drawn in an attached if you simply tell people what is happening - we need more of the juicy imagery.

Hope it helps X

[RacialRainbow]

The presentation could use some tweaking. Otherwise I love the vaugeness to it, leaving people to effectuate meaning on their own, again another great one keep it up. :)

[Toni Scales]

I love this... I think it effectively captures that visceral moment when time seems to stop at a meeting of someone whom a deep attraction is felt for. The beautiful hesitancy coupled with heart racing yet unspoken feeling... All that goes on inside us, all we long to say but wonder if we should, or acceptably can. The last line is a pure diamond. Excellent write. Thank you.

[Dave]

I smile at the recollection of having had the same experience. The picture you paint with your words is unmistakable.

A very good write.

[Poetic License]

Truth. There is a whole ton of truth in this writing.

My favorite part of this piece is that I could "feel" it in my gut. First the butterflies, then the nerves, I might have even had sweaty palms and my own nervous smile. I found my willing her to stop, to trip over her own words, anything, something. I felt such a pang of disappointment at the first "FARTHER." It was very real and very sad.

The glimmer of hope at the end left me feeling like Luke Skywalker receiving his medal after destroying the Death Star...um, the first time. A little melodramatic??? Not really, because perhaps that girl has never had anyone stop and stare after her. Perhaps she lives a life of never being noticed. Perhaps this is her magical day, if she would just turn around.

"I know what you're thinking.I know what you're feeling. This is crazy.Take a chance.I am here,waiting.Turn around...turn around." This says it all for me, and left me wanting to grab her by the shoulders, whip her around, point directly at you and give her a hard shove back the way she came.

Well done. Evokes a ton of expectation and emotional. Quite the roller coaster you've built.

[Great Aunt Astri]

This made me smile! Oh yes, sometimes you feel an unaccountable attraction, but as you say they just pass on by. I thought this was a very good piece of writing. I could visualize the person approaching with each CLOSER and feel the anticipation. Then she passes FATHER and FARTHER away. I can feel you watching her and hoping, hoping, that she will turn around....Did she?

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Very well-written with original style and flow. I like the play-by-play and the mystery of it. Well-done.