,,,BECOMING

The shining star fades in to night and the day comes to an end. The night is mine. I embrace the darkness around me like a warm bath. I'm invisible to a million disconnecting souls who are unaware of my discrete intentions. I am a watcher but I do not see things with commmon eyes. My point of view of the world is different. I see monsters. People's faces are distorted and askew.Am I insane? How far did I cross the line of sanity only to realize I am too for gone to go back to being normal. These are questions I used to ponder during the quiet times of my life. Further and further chaos and confusion dissolve into silence. I'm focused. I'm ready to destroy with my mind and my heart and my hands. Suddenly I become aware of the warm rays descending from the sky upon my skin. I am seen. I'm visible to the world again. But the darkness will return soon and the monsters before me are unaware of what I am...becoming.

Author's Note

I don't know why I wrote this because the subject matter does not fit my personality but it flowed out of me easily I wrote this in no time. I hope it's not a self-conscious thing I have to worry about.

Reviews

[Muse]

I'm not sure why you'd pick a random stranger to review your words. But I guess I don't mind. My only real critique...even in rambling thoughts you need to think about grammar and presentation. Maybe I'm a little OCD, but it's what differentiates an amateur from a more seasoned writer. Don't ever settle for just fine...strive for something higher in everything you do. With that thought to the side. It's difficult to rate poetry...it's so subjective. It's art in every sense of the word. But even in art...you take care with your signature. Sign it with heart...and your words will bleed through to the reader like Mozart on paper.

[Kathrine Rethorn]

Nice piece. Im not sure if i like it as prose. I kind of get lost in the poem. The words start to blend together and im not sure what i am reading any more. You still have good lines that catch my eye like "Peoples faces are distorted and askew" as well as "I embrace the darkness around me like a warm bath". But i feel if you play with the form you might find it flows better.

[Poetic License]

LOL - oh, my friend, I think we are all monsters. Some of us embrace both the dark and the light and are better creatures for it.

I really liked this bit. I can easily see a manuscript taking form - perhaps the fine line between the monster as which we perceive ourselves and the monsters we perceive as the rest of the world. Almost a split personality - only one that is so introspective that both the dark and light are hindered by a constant observation of intention. (I think the monster will win).

I think you should run with it! I would love to read more. Your last line is your hook - and I am hooked.

[emmajoy]

To be honest, I've nothing illuminating to add to what your other requested reviewers have said.
My only comment would be that you said you wrote it in no time.. perhaps you needed to let it rest, then - create more out of an outpouring.

[Cœur]

I saw a few grammar and typo mistakes. Since it's a poem, maybe think about putting it in proper poem form, it makes it easier to follow and better looking. I liked the topic of it, just work on the presentation and appearance, and it would be very good.

[xlynne]

Oooo I really like this. Your sentences are telling without being heavy handed. I'm not a big fan of block style poetry but if this structure works for you, if it tells the tale as you see it, then keep it.

[Island Hippy]

Aloha, really great storytelling qualities in this. Just my personal thoughts but I don't think this form does your writing justice. I agree with the reviewer below about line breaks and spacing etc... minor edits. Another very good piece. Izzy

[Tabby Mac]

Again great content! Powerful lines and words in this piece. Spacing it out will help the reader be wowed with more spacing and guidance.
Example:
The shining star fades into night
And the day comes to an end.
The night is mine...
I embrace the darkness around me like a warm bath.
Do you see what I'm suggesting? Otherwise I think the passion is here. The form would give it a punch! Hope this is helpful!
Tabby

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

Frightening and dark. Hope this is just creative fantasy. Like the edginess of it. Come back to humanity though!