Hamlet And The Plumber

Hamlet meets the plumber.

I once had a plumber show up in pink jeans and a pink shirt. He was over six feet tall with a beard. His fingernails were painted pink to match his lipstick. I have some very dear friend who are Gay, but this guy took my breath away. He was a Nelly and wanted everyone to know it. He had the swish in his walk and the "I dare you to say anything" attitude.  He talked a lot with his painted fingernail hands twirling through the air like gay flags saying look at me.

He made it very plain from the git-go that he was proud of being a Queen. Not only that, but he also had no tolerance for my opinion of what the problem was with my plumbing. He insisted on being shown how to get under the house immediately. I tried to warn him/her that there might be a problem.  It was clear he/she did not think I had a brain.  So I led "the plumber" to the opening which was very small and "her" fanny was not going to fit. The plumber insisted I was not to worry he would manage.

After disregarding my warning I shut my mouth and just watched. He got stuck. I had forgotten Hamlet was in the yard.  He heard screaming and came running around the corner of the house.  My pot-bellied pig Hamlet fell in love when he saw that big pink fanny just sitting there.

Hamlet had been ousted out to the backyard until after his appointment with the vet because he wanted to love everything and everybody in the house. He squealed with pure delight and headed straight to claim his bride.  He was squealing, the plumber was yelling under the house as Hamlet kept stomping all over his legs with his hooves.  Hamlet only weighed 10 pounds so could not reach his trapped bounty.  Hamlet was stomping all over his own little corkscrew and squealing even louder.

I was on the back deck, laughing my head off. Just as Hamlet had tugged on those pink jeans just enough to show a butt crack… I rescued the plumber. He/She huffed and puffed her way all the back to her pink truck and drove away. The landlord sent a very skinny plumber to fix my problem. He also made me promise to post signs about my attack pig.