Tight- fist Goblin

INT. HATFIELD HOUSE, ENGLAND - AFTERNOON

Loving computer programmer Ms Sally Parker is arguing with modest psychiatrist Mr Kevin Cox. Sally tries to hug Kevin but he shakes her off.

SALLY:  Please Kevin, don't leave me.

KEVIN:  I'm sorry Sally, but I'm looking for somebody a bit braver. Somebody who faces her fears head-on, instead of running away.

SALLY:  I am such a bad person!

Kevin frowns.

KEVIN:  I'm sorry, Sally. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

Kevin leaves.

Sally sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, intuitive private detective Lady Mavis Nolan barges in looking flustered.

SALLY:  Goodness, Mavis! Is everything okay?

MAVIS:  I'm afraid not.

SALLY:  What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

MAVIS:  It's ... a goblin ... I saw an evil goblin rob a bunch of kittens!

SALLY:  Defenseless kittens?

MAVIS: Yes, defenseless kittens!

SALLY:  Bloomin' heck, Mavis! We've got to do something.

MAVIS:  I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

SALLY:  You can start by telling me where this happened.

MAVIS:  I was...

Mavis fans herself and begins to wheeze.

SALLY:  Focus Mavis, focus! Where did it happen?

MAVIS:  Tate Modern, St Ives! That's right - Tate Modern, St Ives!

Sally springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

Sally rushes along the street, followed by Mavis. They take a shortcut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - SHORTLY AFTER

Kate Connor a tight-fisted goblin terrorizes two kittens.

Sally, closely followed by Mavis, rushes towards Kate, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

MAVIS:  What is is? What's the matter?

SALLY:  That's not just any old goblin, that's Kate Connor!

MAVIS:  Who's Kate Connor?

SALLY:  Who's Kate Connor? Who's Kate Connor? Only the most tight-fisted goblin in the universe!

MAVIS:  Blinkin' knickers, Sally! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tight-fisted goblin in the universe!

SALLY:  You can say that again.

MAVIS:  Blinkin' knickers, Sally! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most tight-fisted goblin in the universe!

SALLY:  I'm going to need pistols, lots of pistols.

Kate turns and sees Sally and Mavis. She grins an evil grin.

KATE:  Sally Parker, we meet again.

MAVIS:  You've met?

SALLY:  Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young Sally is sitting in a park listening to some orchestral music when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees Kate. She takes off her headphones.

KATE:  Would you like some chocolate?

Sally's eyes light up, but then he studies Kate more closely and looks uneasy.

SALLY:  I don't know, you look kind of tight-fisted.

KATE:  Me? No. I'm not tight-fisted. I'm the least tight-fisted goblin in the world.

SALLY:  Wait, you're a goblin?

Sally runs away, screaming.

INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - PRESENT DAY

KATE:  You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

MAVIS: (To Sally ) You ran away?

SALLY: (To Mavis) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

Sally turns to Kate.

SALLY:  I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

Sally runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

SALLY:  I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with pistols.

KATE:  I'm not scared of you.

SALLY:  You should be.

INT. A SWEET SHOP - LATER THAT DAY

SALLY and MAVIS walk around searching for something.

SALLY: I feel sure I left my pistols somewhere around here.

MAVIS:  Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly pistols.

SALLY:  You know nothing Mavis Nolan.

MAVIS:  We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, Kate appears, holding a pair of pistols.

KATE:  Looking for something?

MAVIS:  Crikey, Sally, she's got your pistols.

SALLY:  Tell me something I don't already know!

MAVIS:  The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

SALLY:  I know that already!

MAVIS:  I'm afraid of dust.

KATE:  (appalled) Dude!

While Kate is looking at Mavis with disgust, Sally lunges forward and grabs her deadly pistols. He wields them, triumphantly.

SALLY:  Prepare to die, you tight-fisted carrot!

KATE:  No please! All I did was rob a bunch of kittens!

Kevin enters, unseen by any of the others.

SALLY:  I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Sally Parker defender of innocent kittens.

KATE:  Don't hurt me! Please!

SALLY:  Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these pistols on you right away!

KATE:  Because Sally, I am your mother.

Sally looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

SALLY:  No you're not!

KATE:  Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

Kate tries to grab the pistols but Sally dodges out of the way.

SALLY:  Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, Kate slumps to the ground.

MAVIS:  Did she just faint?

SALLY:  I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly pistols.

Sally crouches over Kate's body.

MAVIS:  Be careful, Sally. It could be a trick.

SALLY:  No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Kate Connor is dead!

SALLY:  What?

SALLY:  Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

Mavis claps her hands.

MAVIS:  So your pistols did save the day, after all.

Kevin steps forward.

KEVIN:  Is it true? Did you kill the tight-fisted goblin?

SALLY:  Kevin how long have you been...?

Kevin puts his arm around Sally.

KEVIN:  Long enough.

SALLY:  Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Kate Connor.

KEVIN:  Then the kittens are safe?

SALLY:  It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relieved.

KEVIN:  You are their hero.

The kittens bow to Sally

SALLY:  There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Kate Connor will never rob kittens ever again, is enough for me.

KEVIN:  You are humble as well as brave!

One of the kittens passes Sally a wooden pendant

KEVIN:  I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

SALLY:  I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

SALLY:  Well, if you insist.

Sally takes the pendant.

SALLY:  Thank you.

The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.

Sally turns to Kevin.

SALLY:  Does this mean you want me back?

KEVIN:  Oh, Sally, of course I want you back!

SALLY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

SALLY:  Well you can't have me.

KEVIN:  WHAT?

SALLY:  You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a goblin to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

KEVIN:  But...

SALLY:  Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Mavis.

Mavis grins.

KEVIN:  But...

MAVIS:  You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

KEVIN:  Sally?

SALLY:  I'm sorry Kevin, but I think you should skidaddle.

Kevin leaves.

Mavis turns to Sally.

MAVIS:  Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

SALLY:  Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly Mavis stops.

MAVIS:  When I said I'm afraid of dust, you know I was just trying to distract the goblin don't you?