20 Easy Cures for Privileged Nihilism

1. Eat oranges for breakfast: it's hard to feel too apocalyptic when you're eating citrus.

2. Stop buying cheap condoms: paranoid f*****g is bad for your conscience.

3. When you're on page 389 of Infinite Jest: fully acknowledge your disinterest. You have the "jist". You can stop now. This is not a valid excuse to berate yourself.

4. Turn off ASPCA commercials.

5. Have someone else do your taxes: make sure their teeth aren't too white.

6. Invest in a good coffee machine.

7. Stop winking at bartenders: they're all married. It's illegal for a bartender to be single.

8. Find out what a Placenta looks like: realize that all women are actually spaceships.

9. Don't have a cat: ... this is very obvious.

10. Get rid of your TV: replace it with a Ouija Board.

11. Stop wearing flannel.

12. Replace your living houseplants with fake houseplants: when the real ones die (and they will) you'd be surprised by how guilty you'll feel. Do you need that experience? No.

13. Hire an astrologer. Scorpios only.

14. Keep the multicolor lights up December-April: at the very least.

15. Pop some eye droplets: they're more soothing than people admit.

16. Consider going vegan: just don't tell anyone.

17. Stop swearing in front of old people: they're hexing you in retribution.

18. Avoid those whose faces are too symmetrical: they're judging you and they've had everything in life handed to them.

19. Watch Elvis and Priscilla's wedding footage.

20. Blame it on your Mom. Everything. Blame it all.


And if all else fails: Iowaska.