a human-shaped hole

A (very) short story inspired by my dysphoric episode at 1am. I thought I'd write it, and at the request of my friend I'm now sharing it with you people here! I hope you enjoy! ^^

“Thanks for coming over, I had a really good time!”, she said with a smile. I just nodded, barely covering up my exhaustion. “I’ll see you soon!” And with that, the door to appartment 27 was slammed shut. My smile fell as I heard the locks being turned from the inside. Why couldn’t I just have told her? Why did I chicken out? Why was I so scared of telling my best friend?? But that was neither here nor there now. I slowly turned around, my arms hanging limp by my side and my legs almost giving way to a flood of anxiety that washed over me. Why did it have to be this way. It wasn’t fair. I walked over to the elevator, slowly, but determined to get myself home. I pulled my phone out my pocket: 21:27. I sighed as I realized that I’d certainly have missed the last bus. For a moment, I contemplated turning around and asking if I could stay the night, but I soon got the better of myself. Finally reaching the elevator, I punched the button with a big arrow down. I had decided that I was certainly not taking the stairs, not for five floors. I heard the sound of machinery springing to life behind the stainless steel doors. Why did it have to be like this, why did I have to be like this? It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair. A sudden, loud ding pulled me back into reality. The noise of the machine was whirring down and the doors to the cabin slid open. I stepped in, barely even registering the person standing in the lift aswell. There was a f*****g mirror in there. 

“Good  evening”, I mumbled under my breath. I didn’t have the energy nor the patience to start a real conversation right now, but I didn’t want to be rude. I pushed the button labeled 0 and watched the doors slowly glide back into their closed position. I did not want to look into the mirror. Not now. “You cannot lie to yourself”, a low, almost robotic  voice pierced the silence, “not for too long.” I slowly turned around, careful not to pay too much attention to the mirror. The sight of the thing caught me off guard: where I presumed a human would be standing, there was just a human-shaped hole, like nothing taken form. When I averted my eyes from the thing to check how many floors I was down already, I didn’t find the panel. I didn’t find anything, really. Where I once believed to be the cabin of the lift I had stepped into, there was now only white, an infinity of pure light. “What is this, what are you?” I couldn’t fully conceal my fear. “I believe that is information already prevalant to you”, the thing said, its voice clearly eminating from where its mouth should have been. On some level, I knew exactly what it was referring to, and with this subconcious realization came the anger: “And why are you here now? What could you possibly need from me at this hour??” “Why, anger shows in your expression. Have I said something wrong?” Though it didn’t have any visible eyes, I knew it was staring right at me. I took a deep breath before answering. “Not what you said, but why you’re here. Why are you back? I’ve done nothing to provoke you into showing yourself but you’re still here now. What gives?” There was a pause. It seemed like the entity was perplexed at my calm answer, almost as if it had wanted me to scream at it. It only took a second for the thing to come up with an answer of its own, however: “I believe that this, too, you know. You have crafted for yourself an un-reality. You convince yourself that you are different to what you actually are.” Now it was my turn with astonished silence. What did this thing know, and how did it come to know that? “What are you?”, I asked again. “I, my dear friend”, the void answered, “am the thing living in your subconcious, the one feeding of your deepest fears and regrets. I am, in a sense, you.” It finally clicked. I was shocked I didn’t realize it quicker. “That’s a lie. You’re not me, and you’ll never be. I won’t let you have my life.” This was the one haunting me, this was the one tormenting me. But this time, I’d fight back. As if it could hear my thoughts, it answered calmly: “Do not fool yourself. You, too, know that I will not let go. You will have to contend with me for the rest of your life.” “I know”, I answered truthfully, “I know that. But only because I have to contend with you doesn’t mean I have to subject myself to your torture.” “Oh, you do not? What do you think, should we test that hypothesis?” The thing suddenly produced a mirror in front of me. I averted my gaze, but there were mirrors everywhere now. I slammed my eyes shut. “Look”, it sounded almost joyful, “look at yourself. Where is your confidence now?” Just as quickly as the mirrors appeared, they now disappeared again. “That was only a little taste of what I am capable of. Now, I am not here to torment you. Not right now. I am here to convince you.” “Convince me of what? What would you have to gain from that?” It just stared. “I am trying to make you see things the way I see them. You have seen yourself, that is not what a girl looks like. You may feel that you are one, but that is a deception you have crafted yourself. We both know that this is not a girls body.” “That’s not true. That’s a lie, f**k you, you’re lying!” I was almost shouting at that damn thing. Nothing felt right. With each moment, I felt more and more dizzy. “Now now, that is not very… ladylike, wouldn’t you agree?” The void now pointed its finger directly at my heart. “You are not a girl. You are only a freak, there is no question to that. But now, for the deal you have been waiting so exitedly for.” I was completley overwhelmed by the sound of its voice. The black void was blinding to look at, the white infinity much too colorful. “You get off of your… whatever kind of trip you may be convinving yourself to be on, realize that you’re just another boy, and FALL IN LINE! Now, granted, I will not stop haunting you, that kind of control I will never let go of, but I will let you restrain me from causing too much of a scene. I will ‘take the wheel’, as you sometimes say, of your life, but I will not cause you harm. How does that sound?” I couldn’t come up with an answer. The way it spoke, it was almost as if it was trying to sell me the key to happiness. “But what will happen to me, to this part of me?” “This ‘part of you’ will die, as it should. You will become just another person on this earth, and you will finally understand the biological truth.” I was at the same time mortified, yet intrigued. I was honestly considering the thing’s offer, but I quickly snapped out of it. “I’m not going back. I’m not going to let you take control of me, I won’t let you shape who I am. I know myself, and I know you. You have always been bothering me, and I’d frankly love to get rid of you, but I’m not folding. I know a bluff when I see one, and I know how you work. So how about you go f**k yourself and leave me be? How’s that sound, you b*****d?” It just stared. In a sudden shift, with all of its composure lost, it spat out one last insult: “You will never be a real girl.” With that, the entity, along with its infinitley white plain, was gone. 

Behind me, I heard the sound of the doors sliding open. I was at the bottom floor. I hesitated for a moment, wondering what I should do now. Then I knew. I shot out of the lift and up the stairs, taking three at a time. I didn’t care that I might fall, I didn’t care about anything other than reaching appartment number 27. First floor, only four more to go. My mind was racing. How would I even tell her? I’d figure it out on the spot. Second floor, only three to go. What if she cut contact? I didn’t want to loose my best friend of twelve years, but I also didn’t want to spend my life as someone else. Third floor, only two to go. I was practicing what I’d say in my head. I wanted it to be good. Fourth floor, only one to go. It’d be time soon. It’d be over soon. Fifth floor. I turned a corner, and there it was: the door with the number 27 engraved into the wood. It took a moment for me to calm down. There were so many questions floating in my head. So many what-ifs, too many what-ifs. I channeled all of my determination and courage. Knock, knock, knock. I heard someone scrambling to the door on the inside. The sound of the locks turning was almost deafening in the silence. “Hey again, did you forget anything?”, she asked. “Yes, but it’s going to need some explaining. Can I come in again?” She just nodded. “Thanks,” I answered, “I really need to tell you something.”

Author's Note

i have neither spellchecked this nor have i checked this for grammatical mistakes lol. please ignore those if you find any. this is also pretty much my first ever writing project, so please don't be too harsh if the writing feels off, keep it reasonable please! :,D otherwise, I'd love to hear y'alls opinions on this!