Daily Thoughts

I tried so hard,
'Cause I wanted to believe...
My soul could grow beautifully.

Somehow, I've made it here,
Only to conspire with my demons,
Repeatedly, broken down by my hopes,
Respite hiding from me so much
Yet, I'm told I'm too young to feel as such:

Bring me proof of such rules,
Undoubtedly, saying someone such as me shall not wish to die.
Toiling constantly in a pit of snakes, slowly, silently squeezing breath from my lungs.

I've been told to trust the process,
'Cause luck is bound to come my way.
Must I keep waiting for that mythical day?

Beat down my pain?
Repeat these routines that wear upon my energies?
Only to perhaps, come upon some small stroke of luck?
Keeping up my sweet facade despite torrents of rain, 
Each day sending little bits of my light down the drain.
Nothing left to replenish my little piece of sun.

Damned since childhood,
Ever sweet and full of hope,
Always trying to be good and find good,
Tormented in a stream of sadness and badness,
How can I ever recognize my chance now?

If it reached out and touched me, 
Somehow, I know I'd mistake it for rape and scream!

Many a time I've made plans for my end,
Yes, I'm still here.

Oh, how I wish I wasn't,
No, I'm not awaiting something to stop me,
Listen, I merely want one decent accomplishment,
Yet, there are days I feel like it's time I go.

Over and over, I wish to go!
Put pen to paper, write the notes, 
Take knife to neck and slit the throat, 
Instead, I go about each day, feeling dead. 
Only hoping I make it to that peaceful place,
Never again letting anyone see my face with an ounce of life crawling across its planes.

Now, read that again.