Inside Voices

I will readily admit, 
I cry when confronting some people. 
I can't control it. 
One moment, I'm full of adrenaline,
Snapping, releasing my thoughts. 
The next, I appear full of fear.

It stems from a childhood full of abuse. 
The wrong word could bring on a torrent of pain,
A father's face full of disdain,
Even actions to incite fear,
It didn't matter the number of tears.
It didn't matter the number of apologies.

Most shockingly,
It didn't matter that we were his daughters,
Whom he was supposed to raise to be strong,
Not fearful. 
Not even more wrong.

That's where my happiness fell to slaughter. 
That's where my strength began to crumble.

I couldn't face that belt. 
I couldn't face the adrenaline. 
It all meant pain. 
Wrestling, chasing, flying, crying. 
No escaping.

There's no opening for speaking. 
The lesson was to obey. 
"Here you will stay. 
I want you to fly above the rest. 
But first, I have to break your wings.
No need to sing, 
You're a girl, not a songbird.
Therefore, I'll take your voice. 
No need to look anywhere but forward,
So, I'll grind your neck into the floor,
and remake it for you."

That's all I knew. 
Now, I can't speak up,
Because Fear has its teeth in my brain, 
Making my life one giant red stain,
Encompassing each day, 
And it's fingers surround my mouth and throat, 
Because...
How dare a girl have a life unafraid of a man?

Author's Note

Day 8 of the May poetry prompts. This is one of the ones I had a lot I could say about. But, I narrowed it down to two pieces. One not about me and one about me. This one I liked best. I definitely snapped at the end.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

If this story is autobiographical, I'm sorry that you had this experience. I had a very abusive childhood & I've written about it quite a bit, but this is some of the best writing I've ever read about this topic. You really got down to the exact ways we get broken inside & many are unable to ever overcome it. I am 64 & I still cannot do confrontation becuz of my dad's fist in my face. This is so powerful, what you've described, like a deep-down confession, so honest, so heartfelt, it's an amazing share of how one's life is changed in fundamental ways that last years. Well, if this is you, then I wish you the best. It's a long hard road. Many women, abused or not, cry when in a situation that's confrontational. It's becuz ALL women come up against a sense of superiority from the opposite gender that can be scary & emotional to come up against & voice one's own truth about things. Lots of women cry for many years, as I also did, until I was about 50 & finally I got tough enuf to confront without crying. Not to say that "getting tough" should be everyone's goals. We all heal differently. This poem is an unbelievable gift to all those who just don't understand how abuse can last so long, why many people cannot just shrug it off & go confidently forth! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Tessa Melendez]

Thank you for the review. Yes, this is autobiographical. I'm strangely glad to hear that there is another who understands what it's like to be an abuse survivor who has successfully overcome at least some small measure of the metaphorical glass that stays in the skin. (Interesting that that metaphor just rolled off my brain. I should put it back so I can write a piece about it.)

[An owl on the moon]

Your poetry flows with such an honest fire... and how it aches in every line... how we can see the pain caused by a world so upside down... fear all around... suffering when you should have been wrapped in love... And now I sit... hoping for pathways that lead you to such hopeful spaces... where pain is only a memory, dear poet.

[Tessa Melendez]

Thank you for the review. I do like this piece because I managed to find some lines that I felt were really powerful and was therefore feeling triumphant in the equation I managed to complete. I don't feel that childhoods should be entirely wrapped in love, despite the fact that mine was barely seeming to be a loving childhood. I feel that there should be a relatively small percentage of times that the child does not feel loved as that is the world they are likely to, unfortunately stumble upon later.
But, I do thank you for the good wishes. I do hope to finally find calm seas for myself soon so that I can write equally powerful pieces on the opposite end of the emotional spectrum.

[An owl on the moon]

I agree.. yes.. life is so often filled with painful places... But I do so look forward to your path ahead... all that will rise through your voice.