Questioning

How do I explain...
When I'm with you, there's some peace in my brain,
I jump at the sight of you,
Lose myself in the intensity of your eyes,
The light that is your smile,
The feeling I haven't had in awhile.

How do I explain... 
that despite all that personality that I love
Touches and words softer than doves,
The respect that seems to fly above the rest,
And the sass that we match...

I still have to question.

That pye-eyed girl pops up with her demons who question your meaning
While her angels are still screaming
that it's merely affection your actions are streaming

They scream that there's a reason I can sleep peacefully beside you,
Because my heart knows there's nothing cruel that you'll do,
My heart believes you to be warmth while others were fire or ice. 
Others were made to singe, scar, and mar
While you descend to mend.

But still...

The demons push against me at every turn,
telling me that one day,
One of us will get burned,
that one's feelings will fade,
And I'll break again because nothing stays. 
Because I know I'm cursed to be a wanderer.

I know that no matter how many times I retell my story to someone I believe in,
No matter how many times I reveal these poems to someone new,
and they feel my pain and claim they'll stay,
Claim they're not the same,
No matter how much of my heart I place in their hands,

They find a way to leave.

Because I'm cursed. 
A broken, wandering girl, waiting to go mad. 
I know full well that it does me no good to be sad. 
Dwell in the pain, 
But where else can I stay?
I know no depths of happiness,
I was looking for something precious!
Some kind of silver lining. 
But, there's nothing.

Nothing meant to always be mine 
And...
I always wonder why I can't accept that. 
Always crawling toward this little box of gold,
Knowing it will never be mine to hold,

I'll never be bold, 
Never be fully grown, 
Never be whole,
Just a busted-up little girl
looking for someone...
something to call home,
Always thrown back out in the snow
with nowhere to go.

Of course, this is something you'll never know. 
You were someone who listened and seemed to understand my pain. 
You looked at me and told me I was so full of pain,
Reminding me of the boy who said, "Who hurt you?"
But added to it.

I hoped you wouldn't look at me as something to fix. 
No. 
Instead, you looked at me as a fix,
At least, that's how it seems. 
You appeared to be what I need
but it seems that you are to be a reminder to cage my trust,
Never fall victim to my childish lusts.

Yet, I have already been left in the cold. 
I guess my charms have already grown old,
I've long since told you my affection is far from its best,
But I already knew I'd never be enough for you.

Why am I breaking apart in my car?
This is nothing new. 
Just me wishing I were worthy of love
Me wishing I could be someone's One. 
But I can't change my childish wants. 
I can't get rid of the memories that haunt 
and most of all,
I can't get rid of the horned god that beckons me to fall,
Crash into his abyss
so I can forever dismiss
the idea of happiness.

Replace it with the knowledge that my mind is all I ever need,
That my dark god and shattered-faced queen are all I could ask for.

People say that time heals all wounds
but what does time actually do
when you use it in hopes of positive change
but it doesn't stay,
Turning more sour by the day
and you thought everything was okay!

But positivity often comes to play,
And before you know it,
The person whose smile could make your day, Whose words gave thoughts a different tilt,
Whose eyes beheld you with new meaning...
Has now turned away.

Before you know it, 
The insecurities have returned,
And your eyes begin to burn
Because, what can you change?

My dark god reminds me that I have a home
Within my mind,
I am safe,
He keeps me safe,
Reminds me of my place,
Just as the pye-eyed queen reminds me to not repeat the pain I've seen.

They keep me safe with memories of every time I thought things were fine, 
That I'd found a trustworthy person,
But here I am, 
Sitting in my car crying
Mourning the waste of more time,
Because I keep thinking I can and I can,
But Life says I shan't,
So I sit here,
Watching others as they are filled with happiness and strength,
Beating in my own face,
Because I just can't seem to remember my place.

Wanderer. Wanderer. Don't shed another tear.

What else can be better than being inside one's mind?
Where there's no need for time,
No true wounds exist there,
No such thing as try if you dare. 
Outside, there's nothing I can do. 
What? 
Work my life away for a place to stay?
Beautify myself as a place for men to play?
March in the line of citizens to my dying day?

No. 
My life can't be just questions in hopes to please,
Questions in hopes for peace,
My life should be questions for finding the meaning of my dark god and his pye-eyed queen,
Finding the meaning of me.

Author's Note

This one is kind of like a tribute to the boy who made me feel special, feel capable of loving again...if only for a brief time. He was different to me. A soul I could hope to love. But...things seemed to change. I was coming to love while...he didn't seem to have an increase in feeling toward me. Just static. Granted, we agreed to be companions, friends with benefits, but he seemed to want to build with me. Told me so.