Damage (Pt. 2)

"Did he feel anything?"

"No."
"I thought so."

"He's childish. Mostly, he wanted to just f**k you."
"I know."
"I don't know what he did or said to get to you like that. But, I hate that he did."

And I lay in the dark...

Think back to the start...
Because I knew exactly what he did.

And I knew how easy I had been.

Once again, I had been played the fool

Used and thrown aside like a broken tool,

Once again, I had been the one doing all the feeling, 

Not knowing that he wasn't even stealing,

I was always giving.

I gave my trust...
and in the trash it was thrust.

I gave my love...

and it was thrown to the wind like dust.

I gave and gave and now there's nothing to save.

I barely take and still, I'm burned at the stake.

You see...I now know that I have been used, 

I was once again seen as a sex toy,

Not someone looking to give her heart to the right boy,

Not someone with a good heart and a dark past,

Not someone looking for a good thing that lasts.

No...just a body.

The hurt is now dissolved yet, no problems are solved.

My trust is now gone, 

My eyes can never meet anyone else's

for fear that someone will see the light has gone.

Now, my hand shakes even though my heart no longer breaks.

"Fall in love again."

"Look at him, there." the voices whisper.

"He'll never look here."

"Try again." they tell me.
"Not everyone will hurt you."

I remember the girl with the shattered face,

"Everything goes in circles." she singsongs.
It always goes wrong.

I'll always be wrong.

The voices come back as I look at someone new.

"He'll never look at you."

"Go talk to him and watch what he'll do!"

"You can't even look him in the eye."
"You'll start talking and he'll find an excuse to say good-bye!"

Both sets of voices whisper to me from within a new pye-eyed soul,

The encouraging voices swirling in an eye of gold,

The realistic ones pounding on the glass of the black,

The one time I follow the voices of gold, I fold.

See, he was this fine young man with dark brown curls,

Dark eyes and long lashes any girl would kill for, 

Then...was the gloriously broad smile...

As I tried to talk to him, I couldn't stop shaking.

"Everthing goes in circles.", I could hear the girl sing.

"Don't let him know how broken you are."

But, it didn't matter, this one is too far.

There are these sweet whispers in my mind:

"See that curly hair?"

"You love playing with hair."

"And see those eyes?"

"Wouldn't they be worth a stare?"
"Look at those lips..."
"Wouldn't you love a kiss?"

"Fall for him, fall for him. Bring out the love you keep deep within."

But, underlying those hopeful noises, 

The darker ones rumble with harsher voices;

"Don't look at him!"
"Don't look at anyone!"
"Do you want your heart to sink deeper?"

"Remember how you thought the last one was a keeper?"
"Look at what he did to you!"

"He never looked back, apologized or even cried!"

"You were nothing to him!"
"Nothing but a body!"
"Look at your hands! Don't you see how they shake?"
"And you want to do this again?"

I looked at the boy I had been talking to,

Briefly allowing myself to hope,

Again, the voices came through.

Finally, they took my confidence away,

I should've known they wouldn't let it stay.

They repeated the same words I heard many weeks ago,

The only words I'd ever need to know:

"You'll always be broken."

"He'll never care about you."

"You've always been weak."

Even the girl with the hollow eyes and shattered face lingers behind my eyelids.

The pye-eyed girl became one with her.

The angels cried within the gold eye.

The gold light like a fire in which they'd die.

The demons warned me it could never be done.

Nothing would be made with this one.

They were right.

The short time I had with him died the same as it always does,

Only proving how little I will always be respected.

And people wonder why I'm always depressed.

When we see each other now, 

The angels chant, "Talk to him, talk to him."

While I wonder how and why.

What could I say?

It's easier to keep the feelings at bay.

"Just stay away and everything will be okay."

So, we never catch each other's eyes,

No matter how many times we pass each other by.

And all I can think is...

How much lower do I sink?

"Stay away, stay away."

"Don't even worry about what he thinks.", the voices warned me.

In comes a storm of memories,

"Look at these and tell me what you see."

I see hunger in the way he looked at me,

The boy that tore me up inside,

The boy who revived my heart and has now made it die.

I see his desire...

But there was no love there.

No fire...

Not in one stare.

"Precisely. Don't you dare let another one touch you."

"You'll never know when their touch is true."

"You'll never sense the abuse until they let it come through."

And every time that moment comes true,

It always breaks me down all over again,

Wondering when the cycle will end. 

The demons are always right.

Why do I try to fight?

The angels tell me to fall one more time, 

that this one will be the right guy,

But, the demons push those words aside, 

screeching at me with those hollowed eyes,

"You've seen this many times before!"

"And you still want more?"

The sad thing is...

I know the angels speak

because there's a child inside of me...

And love is what she seeks.

She wants to make up for all the love she lacks,

Because of all the times she's been smacked and attacked,

Because of all the times she's been forced to wonder what she lacked.

Why no one loved her back....

Now, the demons attack that child too, 

Screaming that there's no more love to give, 

That child no longer gets to choose,

My mind is the only thing I have left to lose.

I can only hope that the demons will keep me safe.

So will the girl with the shattered face.

She'll singsong about how everything goes in circles,

While the angels die inside her gold eye,

Silently screaming as they burn alive.

A demon with bloodstone eyes come to me and smiles,

"Stay with us, broken girl."

"Live in our dark world."

"You can walk in this darkness with us, demons, beside you."

"Never again will you feel blue."

"You know it's safer in your own head."

"There's no one to make you wish you were dead."

I look back at the boys the angels told me to try to love.

One was so beautiful one the outside,

A face that I had secretly admired when he wasn't looking,

Warm brown eyes, and goofy ways, 

But all he wanted was my body to sway.

The other was beautiful inside and out,

But, I couldn't love him without doubt.

I understood that he was shy and sweet,

But, we could rarely meet,

And there were few texts for me to receive,

He said nothing that would make me stay, 

So, I pushed him away,

He still wouldn't try to make me stay,

Though it was hard for me to push that boy away,

Us being closer friends, talking on the phone every day,

He had to go,

The things I feel, he may never know,

Finally, I turned away from them.

There's nothing to make me stay anymore,

No heart to be torn,

No real smile to be worn,

No love I would be shown,

No friends to call my own.

I take the dark, clawed hand of the demon with the bloodstone eyes,

He lowered his head, crowned with shimmering, black, curving horns,

He pressed his bloodstained lips to my forehead,

"Welcome home, broken girl."

And I felt a weight leave my chest.

This was for the best.

And once again,

I awaken from the dark,

I will never live within my head,

Only within this world.

There is no escaping the people that have or will hurt me,

No escaping the pain to come,

Even if there's no heart to hurt within me.

And though I have shed many tears,

Though my arms bear many scars,

This is probably just a start,

And whatever's next will tear the rest apart.

It's a shame that I must accept this pain,

A shame that there's no escape,

It's a shame how many are like me,

And it's a shame that this is the way the world has became,

And it may remain the same,

If not worsen...

And, damn, doesn't that make life feel worthless.

Reviews

[An owl on the moon]

It's been so long since I have read your words, Tessa... and how they make my soul ache in your suffering... in this horrific pain that came from evil clothed in a frail fabric of love. I can't even find words of comfort or peace... only a hope that light will rise... and one will come who is Love... who will see you for the wondrous soul you are.

[Onlyme]

Wow, this was an exceptional long poem. But with a haunting, tragic, disgusting theme. That was sad, heartbreaking and real. I could actually relate to this person. And feel her woes and needs and desires. As well as her hurts, and sadness and depression, Why did he do that? And so on. To trust someone who broke the trust and to use and abused you and left you to the wolves. To lick your own wounds along. Hurt and broken and rejected.

[Tessa Melendez]

The pieces I write are about me. In this piece, it’s the part two to my longest piece: Damage. In my first piece, I realize my ex didn’t give a damn about me at all. In this, I find out from his friend that I was used. I was a bet for sex and have come to be unable to trust anyone because I’m always seen as a sex toy despite the feeling that I want to try again eight the two new guys I met and liked.

I ask that you read the part one and revisit this piece to feel the full message. However, thank you for your review. I always welcome them.