Damage

I had been well on my way to being dead inside,

Allowing my heart to die, 

Laughing at the things that would normally make me cry.

Then he found me... 

Wanting to be more than a face in my memory. 

My heart was reborn in one phone call- 

It was his goofiness that made me fall. 

All we did that day was talk and laugh, 

Each moment that passed made me wish for the call to last. 

It took one month for me to come to trust him

He was this beautiful boy with dyed-blond curls almost down to his chin,

Lips that would sometimes curl a little when I was being goofy or cute,

And his eyes were like tunnels to his heart.

Once again, I gave the gentle push for us to start.

But...perhaps I should not have...

For two months, there was much talk of sex, 

Much talk of being happy or not, 

So much so that there was little rest.

Conversations lacked so much I was tense...

Don't get me wrong, I retain multiple happy memories, 

Memories of when we were at ease, 

Gentle kisses, sweet smiles, adorable words,

Moments that would make one wonder how things got worse,

The ending was a mutual agreement, 

Allowing ourselves the chance to heal and revive, 

I believe so deeply in this idea that I only made myself more vulnerable.

One day, we lay on his bed like nothing happened,

The next, I feel like I'm trapped in my head, 

Just thinking of how things were...

The voices started to stir.

"Why would he love you?"

"You're nothing to him."

The voices leaving me nothing to do. 

Standing in the shower with pictures in my head, 

My heart filling with dread.

On the wall I rest my head,

Of course the pain never ends.

Even when I thought I had come around a bend.

"Boy for sale." one picture had said. 

"He's looking for hoes." she had told me.

"'Lil babies.' You know how boys are." 

But why did he have to give me another scar?

Tears roll down my face in a flood,

All I could think of was blood.

Blood I wanted to draw from my veins

Because I hated this pain.

Why do people want to drive me insane?

"Why wouldn't he move on?"

"You were just another body."

"You were so easy."

I crumple to the floor,

Water beating down on me once more.

Once again, I must drown out my cries,

My useless and pained sobs, 

No one must know how my heart dies.

My head between my knees, 

My hair in soaked strands all around me

Almost like a willow tree,

My cries fall to the shower floor,

My good soul cracked even more...

"HE DOESN'T F*****G CARE!"

"YOU KNEW DAMN WELL HE WOULD THROW YOU AWAY!"

"Why wouldn't he?" 

"He never really loved you!"

"He just wanted some p***y so he could feel like a man and you gave him that!"

"You're f*****g trash! F*****g weak!"

This time the tears stop.

I sit on that floor...

Listening to the water wash away hundreds of tears and more. 

Listening to all the harsh words the voices had in store. 

And I feel my soul, mind, and body separate.

The voices have their own space...

But, my mind is floating two feet away

And my body remains a useless, crumpled weight. 

"You'll always be broken."

"You've always been weak."

"No one loves the weak and broken."

Passing seconds seem to throb within me.

The innocent remnants wonder, "How could this be?"

And the black pit I feel myself becoming replies, "Everything goes in circles. Don't you see?"

The empty eyes in the shattered face meet the shining ones in the pink, happy place,

"Everything goes in circles. Remember that."

The darkness always comes back.

Later that night...

I still haven't won the fight

I talk with a friend...

But the screaming won't end.

"NOTHING ABOUT YOU WILL EVER GET BETTER!"

"YOU DESERVE EVERY TEAR ON YOUR UGLY FACE!"

"YOU DESERVE ALL OF THIS!"

Muttering to myself, 

"Why wouldn't he move on?"

"But, I thought he loved me above all else."

The voices laughed at me maniacally.

"He could never love you."

"You were always weak."

"You will always be broken."

"Nothing about you will ever get better."

The tears come pouring down once again, 

Reminding me of the pain that never ends.

This time my arm shakes,

Because it wasn't bad enough for my heart to ache.

More than ever, I wish for the blade, 

More than ever, I wish for an escape.

"Why wouldn't he move on?"

"You knew damn well he would throw you away!"

"You could never make him happy!"

"You're a piece of S**T compared to what he could find!"

I lay in my dark room...

And I let the dark consume...

I can feel the last of my light has gone...

And no...this time I cannot be saved by a song...

Some insist he isn't worth the tears...

But, they weren't there.

They'll never know how it felt to be held by him, kissed by him...

They'll never know the magic of his tiniest smiles, 

The messages in his eyes, 

These thoughts could carry me for miles.

But, that feeling is gone now,

I can only wonder how...

How couldn't he love me?

How could he move on so quickly?

Was it really only me?

Me, who did all the loving?

Me, who did all the thinking?

Me, who holds all the good memories?
Was I really that bad this time?

I tried so hard to make it all fine!
How could we cross this thick black line?!

The girl with the shattered face comes again, 

"Everything goes in circles, everything goes in circles," she singsongs.

The words bounce around my head.

Once again, I wish I was dead.

The hollow-eyed girl cracks a smile, 

"You'll never get better." she tells me.

"You'll always be broken."

"That's all you'll ever be."

Eerily softly spoken....

Finally, I get out of the dark,

My tear-filled eyes dazzled by the spark.

With my shaking right arm, I begin to write,

Only a wrinkled notebook to provide some relief,

Perhaps, make the yelling cease.

I scribble down what I hear in my head, 

Pleading for the end.

"You were so f*****g easy!"

"Just another body!"

"You were nothing to him!"

The shattered-faced girl appears once again,

Rising from the depths of my head, 

"Everything goes in circles. Remember that."

She sings this slowly over all of the other voices.

Over and over.

Those hollowed-eyes coming closer and closer.

Everything goes in circles. Remember that. goes down on the paper.

My fingers dig into my hair, deeper and deeper

My sobs caught in me by dying air

The shaking hand traces the words

Over and over.

The voices tumbling over each other,

Incredibly loud...

Beating around in my head like the din of a crowd.

They come closer and closer, building up like a tsunami.

The paper tears from my retracing

And in comes the crash for which I had been bracing.

I write the last whispering words, 

Then return to my friend, 

The one who listened to this all the way to the end.

I peek at my mangled hair and tear-stained face.

The deep frown I can never replace.

And I know this is the end. 

The words I scribbled stare back at me,

Reminding me of how broken I will always be.

"You were always weak."

"You will always be broken."

"No one loves the weak and broken."

"You knew damn well he would throw you away."

"Why wouldn't he move on?"

Once again, I see the shattered-faced girl grinning at me.

"Because, everything goes in circles."

Author's Note

I wanted to talk about the dangers and pains of the damaged mind. In the past few years, my mental state has quite noticeably diminished because of my parents,school, friends, boyfriends, etc. A recent breakup has created an even worse state of mind & I have taken Hemingway’s advice and sat down to bleed both during a breakdown; bleeding out what the voices in my head were screaming at me for days & now.

Reviews

[An owl on the moon]

Oh dear poet... reading the suffering and sorrow of your poetic music... and reading the agony of your author's note... feeling so much pain in your days... in your thoughts. Wanting so much for a deep healing to come to you... for you to feel spring in you again, and not the darkness of this seemingly endless winter. May it be... may sunrise come for you... soon. You are so amazing, my friend.