Breathe

When you are struggling to deal with pain.

So many times I've felt broken within

Wanted to let the tears roll down my face

But, I told myself that would be a sin,

Wait until I find a private place

Until then...Breathe

In...Out...

(Throughout the years...)

As ignorant people shouted in my face that I was ugly,

Told me to kill myself,

Couldn't keep their opinions to themselves,

No matter the comment

I told myself to take a moment...

Close my eyes, 

And Breathe

In...Out...

Watching the boy I secretly loved with someone else,

Knowing I was nothing to him

Quietly letting my tears spill

No matter the intensity of the pain

Always staying quiet as it drove me insane

Remembering to breathe

Breathe and stay sane

In...Out...

Spending nine months with my first love

Struggling on and off with his first love

Feeling inferior compared to her at all times

Always thinking he'd go back to her for another try

Trying to believe him

He loves me, not her

But, deep within, I knew he still loved her

And I was right

Making my chest feel so tight

"Just try to breathe"

As tears came to my eyes

Breathe...

In...Out...

As I let him go

My heart aching and breaking

Tears burning to roll

"Breathe...in...out..."

Until you're home and alone

But fate would not have it

In...Out...

As I think of the two hearts I broke

The times I shouldn't have spoken

Breathe

In...Out...

As I face lectures from my parents,

Telling me things I know all too well,

But, I know my wisdom is not always apparent

Where it comes from, I will never tell

Listening on and off

Frustration spreading its ugly wings,

Taking off

Remember to breathe

You're not allowed to speak

In...Out...

As three boys admit they only want sex from me

Not quite giving up as I tell them it's not going to be that easy

Doing what they're willing and able to do in hopes of getting there

Two of them don't even really care

And I know they will not be the last

Many more years have yet to pass

More will likely tell me they want my body

And as I face them, I will remember to breathe

For this is the curse of youthful beauty in one's body

To be seen without truly being seen

In...Out...

As shyness locks my jaw

Unable to speak to the ones I feel for sometimes

To release the words my heart whispers to my mind too often,

Making me wonder if - perhaps - my heart is too big for me

Even after being ripped apart so much

Sometimes with one touch,

One horrible word,

One little action,

"Remember to breathe."

In...Out...

As I admit my feelings

And have my hopes for a live torn away

By two different people

Leaving me reeling

Realizing they each said the same thing

Hoping to salvage something of me

Making the destruction so much worse the second time

Leaving me wishing to die

No longer wanting to try

Even after remembering to breathe

In and out like always

Because...if what they said was true

Why is it they don't feel the same?

In...Out...

As I sit in the back of the car,

Leaving the scene of my latest heartbreak

Having heard those crushing words a second time

Still feeling that fresh ache

Remembering to breathe

I'm not in that private place

Not yet...

In...Out...

Looking out the window,

Clenching my jaw,

Praying for the pain to go

Leave me alone

"Just breathe"

In...Out...

Closing my eyes

Dropping my head to my chest with a sigh

The scene replaying itself in my mind:

Admitting my feelings,

His laugh,

My inability to look him in the eye,

His words as he turned me down,

The feeling of my heart beginning to drown,

Hearing those crushing words,

"Breathe. Hold it down and breathe."

Walking away after he hugged me,

Forcing a smile that wasn't real

Breathe

In...Out...

Leaving the light off as I prepare for a shower,

Calm breathing losing its power,

(Shakily) In...Out...

Stepping into the water,

Sinking to the floor,

My sobs lost in the water's roar,

Knees drawn to my chest,

Tears running down the drain,

And I know I might never be the same.

(Shakily) in...Out...

Leaning against the shower walls,

Unable to ever again stand tall,

Curling into a ball,

Why did I have to fall?

(Shakily) In...Out...

Eyes closed for minutes on end,

The tears didn't seem to end,

The water muffling my gasps:

"I don't wanna live anymore. I don't wanna live anymore."

Over and over,

Endlessly,

Not knowing how long it lasted

(Gasping) In...Out...

When I think it's over...

Standing once more...

Though not as tall...

Still whispering the same words over and over,

Tears continue to fall,

All because my heart was torn once more,

(Shakily) In...Out...

Leaning against the wall,

Water no longer muffling me,

Unable to see

I whisper to God:

"Listen to me please"

"Just this once,"

"Kill me.  End it all"

"At least, destroy my heart so I may feel nothing at all."

(Shakily) In...Out...

Footsteps sound in the hall,

I silence it all,

Eyes still closed

My face against the shower wall,

Silence.

The tears finish their fall

In...Out...

I remember his words:

"I have feelings for someone else."

"Who?"

"Someone who doesn't know I exist."

He loves someone who doesn't love him

Just like me...

"Remember to breathe."

(Shakily) In...Out...

Shaking as I pound my fist against the wall,

Trying hard not to cry

Still, tears fall into the sink,

Still I shake,

Keeping my sobs at bay,

And I know I'll never look at him the same way,

Maybe never be able to look at him at all

Why did I have to fall?

Just...Breathe...

In...Out...

Breathe...And keep the tears at bay...

In...Out...Close your eyes...

Breathe...Because, we all know it may never be okay.

Author's Note

Wrote this based on the inspiration I found trying to keep myself together after the boy turned me down in the back of my parents' car. Just focusing on breathing to stay calm. I wrote this a little while later, after the break down I described at the end. Took my two hours and four pieces of paper, front and back. No real editing of censoring. Just poured it out in the numbness afterward. Longest poem I ever wrote and probably the most raw and real one. Comments and criticisms are welcomed. :) :/

Reviews

[Justin]

that was extremely powerful!!!! u were in a position which many ppl your age go through!!! the most amazing part is it raw, and to the point, u dont need to edit this :) incredible job :)

[emipoemi]

.......holy kwap!! this is raw and compelling....it's simply well constructed, and it flows beautifully. I only have three main comments about this:

Stanza 1 Last Line: instead of "until then" it would be better to put "And" (to echo the other times you repeat that refrain).

Save the "in....out" refrain for the transition refrains. In a few stanzas you have this in the stanza itself, and I'm saying it's far more powerful on its own in the place of the transition from stanza to stanza. Repeating it inside some stanzas also just ruins its power and purpose for existing.

It's not particularly advisable to paint or repeat unnecessary details, for they tend to sound bland against the backdrop of the beauty that is the poem ("Water no longer muffling me", for instance, appears bland to me, and the stanza would sound better without it. Simply "Leaning against the wall/Unable to see/I [pray] to God". That works better). Only phrases/lines of the utmost power (like the "in....out" refrain, and the "remember to breathe" strain) should be repeated, for they're the drive of the poem.

This is in every other aspect, sublime, and a true love/heartbreak epic. Well freaking done!!

[Ardra]

there is nothing more painful than the realization that the one you fell for is in love with someone else and the rejection from that person
And if you need to face that person on regular basis in life nothing can be more torture than that..
Breathe in and out …is a very good way to keep control of the situation..
But it feels so heavy at that point of time to keep a tab on your tears..
Learn never to compromise yourself for the people who will not value you,
They never know our true worth that is the reason they hurt us,
Someone worthy of your heart will find you , keep faith… it’s easy for us every time to think if we dint have heart we will no more suffer…
But we should learn to love our self first , I have come to realize it over the years… I was just like you who wanted to save myself for the right one..and had lot of heart breaks on the journey..but now when i look back they are just memories of good and bad times,
Never give up on yourself… be strong and have faith in you.
Learn to say you love yourself and that you are the most beautiful creation of the almighty ….
go get your self icecream... a good yummy cup cakes... go hug your parents, spend time with them...

One day for sure I believe we will learn to love us…then we will never let others take advantage of us…Be strong girl…
You have long way to go…. And tell yourself everyday your life is not worth wasting on anyone else… or for broken heart…. Let go breath in and out
Have a blessed day young lady , stay calm and strong & beautiful !

[Tessa Melendez]

Thank you for all your wisdom Ria. It's very helpful of you to include advice and words of wisdom for me.

[Ardra]

Sorry dear just felt like letting you know about it...was not my plan on advising :) keep smiling

[An owl on the moon]

Such a painful glimpse beyond the surface into the depths of you, and how your words make me ache. I have felt those cuts and asked those questions to the heavens, and I know you have such a precious heart so the cuts only go deeper. You say this is raw, so real, and in that it is so overwhelming, dear poet.

[Tessa Melendez]

Thank you for your review, friend. I just felt that it should be left raw and real. I censor my poems so often for this site because I fear the judgements, though I know that this site is not meant for judgements, only words and commentary. But, I had so much emotion in me that day and I had to put it into words to save myself from more of a breakdown. So, thank you again. :)

[An owl on the moon]

I do understand, and am glad that you were able to release all those feelings. This is one of the places I feel the safest letting go, because most of us here need to let the words out. Take care, my friend. Have a wonderful weekend. :)