What I Really Mean Is...

When you ask me:

"Why do you always look so mad?"

I reply that I don't know why

What I really mean is...

On the inside I want to cry

When you ask me:

"Why do you draw on yourself?"

I reply that I was bored

What I really mean is...

On the inside unfathomable pain is stored

And it's finding its way out

When you ask me:

"Why do you always have your earbuds on?"

My reply is that I love my music

What I really mean is...

The world can seem so loud it makes me sick

When you ask me:

"Why is you music so loud?"

My reply is that I love the feel of it

What I really mean is...

I don't want to hear anything

When you ask me:

"Why are you always alone?"

I only reply with a shrug

What I really mean is...

Everyone else seems to have given up on me

When you ask me:

"Why don't you smile more?"

I reply that I don't know

What I really mean is...

I'm tired of never being good enough

What I really mean is...

I can only smile through so much

When you ask me:

"What do you hate going home so much?"

My reply is that it's hard to explain

What I really mean is...

Home is the place of my suffocation and pain

When you ask me...

"Where do all those cuts on your wrists come from?"

My reply is that they come from anywhere

What I really mean is...

They come from all the things my heart can no longer bear

When you ask me:

"How are you?"

I reply, "I'm fine, thank you."

What I really mean is...

I wish I'd finally be cut ear to ear

I can no longer be here

I feel like every new day might finally bring the sign that my end is near

But each day only brings me more pain

More looks of disdain

More ways for people to tell me I'm not good enough

Because I'll never be good enough for anyone, right?

Author's Note

Inspired by lyrics from two songs by Bring Me The Horizon: "Chelsea Smile" and "Hospital for Souls". The picture included at the beginning of the poem is the first part of Hospital for souls, spoken by Oliver Sykes. I honestly don't think this piece came out that great, but if there are any suggestions to adjust the piece, I'll be thankful. :)

Reviews

[Lorry]

How many times do we say I'm fine thanks, when inside we scream so loudly that we are far from fine. Love how you broke up all the questions asked and of how we deceive others as well as ourselves, because sometimes, it is our own thoughts that are too loud without someone there to speak them to, and understand that we are all just as confused at this game of life, that seems to have come without instructions or guidance of any kind. I recognise a lot of the three wise monkeys in myself too, preferring to see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil...and just not get involved in others drama when my own soap opera is never ending. Nicely captured Tessa.