Memory and Loss

Dakota is brought back to Aerie and presented to the residents....

Sumaria saw the Death Angel flying high above the trees with Dakota in his arms.  He could just barely make out the blood on her face and sides as the angel drew closer.  Some of the other angels and Nephilim around him took notice of the angel approaching from the air and began to gather and watch.  The anxiety and tension among them was so powerful that Sumaria felt it shivering its way through his wings.  Lazerous shouldered his way through the crowd, Lucifer and Damasen at his side.  "She is dead, brother." Lucifer told him.  

Sumaria's spine chilled as he remembered Dakota.  He remembered the countless times he'd seen her cry and the one time he'd seen her take the blade to her skin, drawing blood.  After that, he'd never let her get any farther than grazing her skin so long as he was there.  He'd only known her for a year, but he was still heartbroken with the idea that she could possibly be dead now because he'd brought her here thinking she'd be safe.  He thought of her beautiful face as she lay sleeping.  He remembered how peaceful she looked asleep, none of the agony of life marring her soft, thin cheeks, destroying her green eyes.  But, he knew that that was of his making.  He'd often been the only reason she ever slept.  She always cried herself to sleep when he couldn't be by her side.

    The Angel of Death began to lower himself to the ground, his powerful, shimmering wings beating air around them.  No one was fazed by the gusts of wind.  The angel landed and knelt before them, carefully placing Dakota's body on the grass.  Her head lolled limply to one side, her eyes closed.  A Nephilim boy pushed his way through the crowd and stumbled to a stop at the front of the crowd.  His eyes were wide and focused on Dakota's limp body, his lips parted in a small O shape. He was battered and bloodied from the battle, his gear torn, bloodied, and scorched.  He had a long streak of blood dripping down from his ear to his neck and a small stripe of blood on his bottom lip.

The Nephilim boy knelt beside Dakota so carefully, it was as if he were afraid that he'd break if he moved any faster.  He gently moved her brown hair out of her face, his dirt and blood-streaked hand shaking.  Sumaria could see how the boy was trying to control his breathing; in, out, in, out.  His sides were heaving with each deep breath.  But, as each moment passed, the boy began to shake, his breaths coming faster, and eventually becoming sobs.  The boy had loved her and now she was gone.

Noah had heard the whispers about an Angel of Death bringing one of the missing residents back from the forest behind Aerie and looked to the sky to see who it might be.  Angels of Death were rarely spoken of.  Whenever they were, it was never good.  Dakota had been missing from Noah's side for most of the battle.  He prayed it wouldn't be her the angel was returning with.  A crowd had gathered around the Angel of Death who set down the person he had carried from the forest.  Noah pushed through the crowd, praying it wasn't her that the angel had brought back from the forest dead.  He'd seen that it was, in fact, a female that now lay on the grass. But, was it Koda?

Please, don't be Koda, he pleaded. Please, please, please.

He burst through the crowd and looked down at the dead girl.  Her eyes were closed, her hair a mess, her shirt torn and bloodied from a deep gash in her side.  The blood had dried, creating an ugly ring of crimson around the open wound.  He looked at her face again.  Even under all the blood and dirt and sweat, he could see that it was, in fact, Dakota. She had the same light skin, slim face, and cold looks.  The same stubborn jaw.  The same arch and thickness of eyebrow, and beautiful nearly heart-shaped lips.  

Suddenly, he was back to that day where Autumn had died at the hands of Damasen.  Suddenly, Autumn was back in his arms, life draining out of her and he was dying inside.  He kept seeing Autumn's face as he shut her eyes so he no longer had to see her dark, glassy eyes.  He remembered resting his head on Autumn's stomach as he cried, no longer able to support himself, no longer able to hold his head high and act like he felt nothing in this battle.  Every memory of Autumn came pouring out of the safe he'd locked them in so long ago.  Each one flashed through his mind.  Many were of moments where he was kissing Autumn; on the roof, against a wall in her room, in her shower, in her bed.  He still remembered the feel of her soft, bare skin, her full, gentle lips.  He remembered twirling his fingers through her silky, chocolate curls, her warm breath against his mouth.  He remembered the way she'd run the tips of her fingers or her nail down his spine so lightly it tingled.  The feelings he got as she traced circles and spirals and other designs along his sides, his back, his chest, his ribs.  Best of all, he remembered the mischievous glimmer in her eye as she looked at him each time they kissed and her soft voice as she whispered in his ear or sang to him.  

Noah looked down at Koda, now and he felt the agony of Autumn's loss again.  He felt his heart falling to pieces in his chest, the tears building up in his throat.  He tried his hardest to slow his breaths and keep the tears from flowing, but the memories kept tearing apart his heart.  He kept  feeling Autumn's smooth skin beneath his palms as he held her and kissed her at the annual celebration, swaying across the roof of Aerie, his face in her neck, breathing her in.  He kept remembering the way his heart raced as she nipped and pulled at his lower lip.  Her laugh rang in his ears.  Her smile danced before his eyes.  

Noah's breaths became faster and he squeezed his eyes shut so that he wouldn't see all the angels and Nephilim around him watching him break down.  That overwhelming feeling of having no one left that he cared about took over.  He was left with no one again.  Nothing.  His family was dead.  The girl he had loved more than anyone was dead.  Now, the girl he had begun to love was gone.  

A sob broke free of his chest, and tears began to fall.  He rested his forehead against her chest.  Then, he was gone.  The memories overtook his mind, not only of Autumn, but of Koda as well.  The combination of both girls he had loved - both so similar - destroyed him.  His sobs came faster, tears streaming from his eyes.  

He cried so hard, the memories so prominent, that he didn't notice that the crowd had dispersed, leaving only him, Koda, and a few others.  Noah's shaking hand rested against Koda's soft brown hair, fingering the soft ends.  He pressed his lips to her forehead, his breaths still shaking.

A gentle hand came to rest on his dusty, brown and white hair, shaking some of the debris out of it.  

"Noah," said a quiet voice.

Noah looked up, searching for the person who had called him.

"Noah, I'm here." the voice whispered in his ear.

Noah looked over his shoulder...and found himself breaking, the tears coming faster.

It couldn't be real.  She was dead.  He remembered the feel of her dead body in his arms.  He had kissed her pale face as she lie dead.  He'd watched the fallen lower her body into a grave.  He'd wept over her.  She couldn't be here.  But she was.  And all he could ask was...How?  

"Noah..." she whispered, kneeling beside him in a gold sleeveless dress with a white sash tied around the middle.  Her hair was split by a side part, leaving one side of her face curtained by chocolatey curls.  Her green eyes were alight with happiness and Noah couldn't breathe.  She looked like she was alive once more, her skin golden, her face as beautiful as ever.  Her soft lips were curved up at the corners in that way that told him she knew what he was thinking at this moment.

But...she couldn't be real.  She had died a year ago.  Damasen's knife had driven demon blood into her own blood and poisoned her, burning her to ash on the inside.  

Noah couldn't describe the pain he was feeling.  Was this a joke?  Had she somehow been alive this whole time, hidden from him?  But, he'd felt her pulse fade beneath his fingertips.  He'd held her as she died and several minutes after.  She can't be....

"It's okay, Noah.  I'm here.  I'm real." she touched his cheek. Her fingertips were so gentle and warm.  She felt so...alive.  A tear rolled down his cheek, landing in his hand.  He was shaking.

"But...you - you...died, Autumn."  he whispered, nearly gasping.  "I - I held you as you...died.  How are you - how are you here?"

"Noah..." she murmured, pressing her lips to his cheek.

He fell into her lap and she laughed, stroking his hair.

His heart swelled as if it was absorbing the sound.  "How are you here?"

Autumn's smile disappeared and she sat silently for a moment, running her fingers over his cheeks, his lips, his eyebrows.  She swept her thumb along his eyelashes as he closed his eyes.  She traced his collarbone.  Then...she spoke.

"I am dead, Noah.  I died.  I live in Heaven now, among the angels and the clouds.  I came to you because I saw you lying in pain here.  I saw what was happening to both you and Aerie.  I came to help you if I could." she explained.

Noah took a deep, shaking breath. 

"Honestly,...I came to see you really.  I miss you so much." Autumn lay her head on Noah's chest, her body arched over his head.

Noah kissed her ribs, his heart pounding.  "I love you, Autumn."

She chuckled.  "I love you too, sweet Noah."

Noah sat up then, turning to face the girl he loved, his blue eyes bright.  A smile curved his lips... and she was gone.

Noah's smile fell away, his heart shattering once more.  Tears filled his eyes and he dropped his face into the grass.  He pounded the earth with his fists...then he screamed his anguish, no longer able to hold down the pain.

Darius watched Noah's brief reunion with Autumn play out.  It hurt him to see that even Noah had loved a girl that had been taken from him by a monster.  Darius knew something of how he felt.  He had spent a year in a dungeon surrounded by demons and monsters kept imprisoned in cruel chains and cages of Heavenly metal, unable to be with and love his beautiful Naomi.  But, at least he could say he still had her.

She stood there with him now, her black and blond waves pulled back into two French braids, little strands escaping.  Her gold eyes were sad as she watched Noah turn to find the Autumn had vanished.  She grew even more sad when she saw him screaming into the grass, the sound so full of pain and anguish, Darius' own heart hurt.  

He turned to Naomi, wrapping his strong arms around her, and kissed her hair.

"Let's leave him alone." Naomi whispered. 

Darius nodded and took her hand, leading her away.

Naomi rested her head on his shoulder as they walked.  "I missed you so much.  It hurt me to leave you in that dungeon ...letting you deal with all that pain for so long.  You don't know how many times I was tempted to go down there and see you."

"I'm glad you didn't." he kissed her cheek. "I missed you too, but I could never live with myself if I had hurt you."

"I don't think that you could've ever hurt me.  Not even in the heat of a Change."  She smiled a little, looking up at him.

Darius couldn't help but smile back a little.  "I'm glad to hear that you trust me so much, but even I don't trust myself in the middle of a Change."

Naomi rolled her eyes and smacked his shoulder. "Of course, you don't."  Her voice was playful.

Darius looked down at her, thinking for a moment, remembering all the nights he'd sat in the dungeon, looking up at the ceiling, wishing and dreaming of Naomi.  He remembered dreaming of all the things he'd do with her once he got his wolf side under control.

He leaned in close to her and whispered in her ear, "Let's go to the roof."

It took Naomi a moment to understand his implications, but when she did, she lowered her head, biting her lower lip as she smiled. Darius smiled broadly and bent, scooping her up into his arms in one great swoop, holding her like she was his new wife.  His red wings slid free of his shirt and spread wide.  He took to the air, his wings flapping powerfully.  He rose higher and higher, reaching the roof in a matter of seconds, the cool evening wind caressing his cheeks.  

Once he reached the roof, he slowed the beating of his wings, bringing them in slightly so that he straightened.  Then, pulled them in completely as soon as his feet touched the stone roof.  He put Naomi down, but still held her close to him, his forehead on hers.  She closed her eyes as she put her arms around his neck.  Darius' arms were around her waist.

Suddenly, she was kissing him.  She was gentle at first, but soon filled it with her hunger.  Darius' heart began to pound.  This was what he'd dreamt of for the past year, from the moment Naomi had shackled him to the wall of that cell.  He kissed her back, nipping at her lip and holding her so close they were one.  

Joel and Nirvana stuck around for Noah, even as the crowd dispersed and Darius led Naomi away.  Joel smiled as the couple walked away hand-in-hand.  He knew that Darius was probably eager for a moment alone with his girlfriend after his horrible year in the dungeon.  Joel only stayed with Nirvana as Noah went through this loss because, he knew by now that Nirvana always had the desire to at least be there for the grieving.  She got angry every time someone left a person alone with their grief.  

Joel laughed as she scowled at Naomi and Darius left Noah for their moment alone.

Nirvana smacked his shoulder. "Joel!" 

He laughed harder, turning a little as she smacked him.  "Come on, Vana.  You gotta understand that they have their reasons.  Noah's a friend, but...imagine if you'd had to lock me in a dungeon full of demons and bad angels for a year.  You never visited me or anything for a whole year.  Wouldn't you want a moment alone with me to talk to me and stuff?" he looked at her.  

She rolled her eyes and looked at him, her brown eyes like warm cocoa.  "No, not really, actually."

Joel looked at her with a face that said, really? "Should we test that?"

Nirvana smacked his shoulder again.  "You're an idiot."  Then, she spread her wings and flew away.

Joel let her go and went back to watching Noah, waiting for the moment that felt right to go and help Noah get back to Aerie.

Noah lay on his side in the grass and dirt, looking like another dead Nephilim soldier.  He was completely still.  Joel wondered if he had fallen asleep from all the crying and grief the poor boy had been through.  

Joel approached and Noah stayed the way he was.  Joel bent down and nudged Noah's shoulder.  The poor boy didn't respond.  He looked so torn apart, both emotionally and physically.  His gear was blood and dirt-stained, torn in places, his hair a disheveled, debris-filled mess.  Tears made tracks in the dirt and blood on his face.  His mouth was turned down at the corners, his eyes shut.  Joel still found it in him to nudge Noah's shoulder once more, hoping to wake him and bring him back to Aerie for healing.  

Noah refused to move.  He lay curled up on the ground in the fetal position and tears still rolled down his cheeks.

"Noah," Joel whispered. "You gotta get up."

Noah didn't move.  

"Noah," Joel said. "Come on, let's go back.  It's getting dark."

He still didn't move.

"If you don't get up, I'll get Darius or one of the other strong guys to haul you back."

"Stop, Joel." Noah rasped, his voice nearly inaudible. "It doesn't matter anymore.  Nothing matters anymore."

"Stop being so dramatic.  You'll be fine." Joel said

"I have nothing left.  There's nothing to live for." he whispered.

"You still have me, Vana, Darius, Naomi.  There's plenty left."

Noah rolled onto his back and looked up at Joel. "Haven't you realized it yet?  These wars will never end.  It never - ends, Joel.  Nephilim have been fighting for their place on Earth for the hundreds of years.  We've been fighting demons and angels alike for hundreds of years.  It doesn't matter anymore.  We're all going to die before we even reach twenty.  All of us.  None of this fighting we've done here is going to matter.  My death won't matter, your death won't matter, Vana's death won't matter,...Autumn's and Koda's death don't matter.  It makes no difference.  There are thousands of angels, thousands of demons.  The demons reincarnate, they come to Earth, and we die stopping them.  We don't reincarnate, Joel.  We'll be dead and then they will take over and the angels will die too, only slower.  Who knows if they reincarnate.  In which case, we matter even less!"

Joel could clearly see that some part of Noah had been broken.  The poor guy was clearly hysterical.  

 Joel called out to Heimdall with his mind, "Heimdall, I need you.  Noah is in desperate need of your healing.  He's gone hysterical.  We're in the same area that Dakota was brought to by the Death Angel."

Joel heard the healer sigh in his mind. "One moment, Joel."

Joel heard the flapping of wings as Heimdall approached and the crunch of grass beneath boots as Heimdall landed.

"Noah," Heimdall said by way of greeting. "What is wrong?"

"Everything is wrong, Heimdall." Noah grumbled in reply.

Joel nodded to Heimdall, silently wishing him luck.  The angel smiled weakly, his lips stretched in a thin line, and knelt on one knee beside Noah, before picking the boy up and flying away.  Joel heard Noah's cries to be released as the angel carried him back to the infirmary....Or what was left of it.  

Looking back on Aerie, Joel saw that the next week or so would be very long.  There were many repairs to be done on Aerie, seeing that there were so many holes in the building from the harsh fights that occurred between angels and demons.  Then, there were the many graves to be dug, pyres to be made, and funerals to be had.  

Joel was partially glad that there were far fewer deaths than there had been in the war that had occurred a year ago, but he still felt the losses.  There had to be more than twenty deaths in just the back of Aerie.  But, if one subtracted the bodies of Hybrids that lay among the bodies of Nephilim, one would see that there were very few dead Nephilim among them.  

Darkness was falling.  The sky was nearly black now as Darius stood with Naomi on the roof of Aerie, slow dancing to music only they could hear.  There was a sprinkling of dead on the roof, but they had found an area nearly clear of dead.  

Silently, they agreed to go to her room, not yet ready to let go of each other again.

Darius enveloped them both in his white wings, picturing her room the way he remembered it.  The wide window with the vertical blinds opened across it like bars.  The queen-sized bed sitting against the far wall.  The coffee-colored carpet.  The dark blue-purple walls she'd mixed when they'd first met.  The black dresser resting against the left wall.

Darius felt the detachment of falling through the roof.  He felt like his soul had been split from his body as they transported to her room in the blink of an eye.  But, it felt like longer.  

In a moment, he felt his soul come back to him, whole again.  His arms were still wrapped protectively around Naomi.  They were both breathing heavily from being torn in half and then slammed back together.  

Darius opened his wings, releasing them, and pulled them back to his body, letting them slide beneath his skin.  He buried his face in the crook of her neck, breathing her in, smelling her sweat, blood, magic.  He smelled the hints of burning and ash.

"Darius," Naomi whispered.

"Hmm?" he mumbled, kissing her neck.

"I'm exhausted."

"Okay." He immediately knew what she was saying and let her go.

She slipped into her bathroom for a moment, leaving him standing in the middle of her room, at the foot of her bed.  His heart ached.  His body felt cold now that she was no longer in his arms, but he knew she was returning any moment.  

Darius sat down on her bed and slid his boots off.

Undressing felt like a chore with all the soreness and wounds from battle, but he didn't care much.  Naomi returned from the bathroom in shorts and a crop top, showing off her tight body.  Her braids were undone, leaving her black - and - blond hair looking curly instead of wavy. He found himself hungering for her even more than usual.  

She walked up to him and pressed her lips to his.  When he nipped her bottom lip, she pulled away.  "Not right now.  I'm tired."

"I'm sorry." he murmured. "I just love how you look right now."

She chuckled. "Believe me. I know how you feel."

He kissed her again and slid into the bed, holding her close as he spooned up beside her.  He didn't let himself fall asleep until he felt her breathing slow, her pulse steadying with sleep.

He kissed her shoulder.  "I love you." he whispered, before closing his eyes and falling into a deep, peaceful sleep for the first time in a year.