Beginnings (Golden Voices)

A collection of loosely related small pieces to be used as beginnings to chapters in a novel I'm working on. Great for short attention spans.

Just before the moment;
That last intake of breath,
Before the hammer strikes the chisel,
Before the brush touches the canvas for the first time,
Before the pen scribes the first letter;
That moment just before the moment.
How long's that moment been for you?
Mine's been my whole life.

The rings of heaven, the rings of fire
Another wasted day to escape the liar
Contradicting noises fill me with fear
I'm lost inside my own head somewhere near
If you stop by won't you look my way?
I want to make sure this medicine's straight

Create something meaningful, she said
But I didn't listen
Instead I dropped to my knees and sobbed a thousand words
But the picture I drew was a caricature
For nothing I could say would mean anything
And fresh tears began to flow down my cheeks in glistening rivulets
And it was there I found beauty
And I became mute for eternity

Pills, pills, what are you doing with THOSE pills little boy?
Don't you know you're destroying your brain CELLS?
Don't you know you're mutilating your liver CELLS?
Don't you know you're risking all your CELLS for a possibility of having some wonderful grand finale?
Oh, shush.  Stop taking THOSE pills.
Get back to the CELLS where you belong little boy.
Take THESE pills.

I lost my voice, I couldn't figure out where it went
But I know where it is now
I hid it away again
I'm so tricky to myself
It's easy for me to sneak around behind my own back
I don't even see myself doing it
But I hide it from you
You my family
You my lover
You my employer
You my peers
I'm still hiding from you
I'm going to stop hiding now
The funny part is you're all going to think I'm hiding when I reveal myself
Oh hilarious irony
I'm hiding when I'm in the light, when I'm meeting up with you
I'm myself when I'm alone
So that's where I'm going for a while
At least until I figure out how to be with you without losing me
And if you invade during my metamorphosis
I will defend myself and my individuality viciously
You have been warned

I did everything you told me to
Now show me where the f*****g door is
I did not come this far to fail
Stop hiding it from me, let me in
And with a sideways glance,
Deeper than the warmest romance
I'll be allowed to continue forward
But only if I can understand what it truly means to suffer
Tear away from it all
Take them with you.

I meditated on self-doubt so long that I began to doubt reality
I pressed up so hard to the cracks trying to see something between the lines
I didn't even realize I had fallen through
Now the wounds are healing and the gaps are getting smaller
But I'm trapped on the wrong side and screaming through the holes
Hoping that you'll hear me
Holding onto the belief that you're coming with pickaxes and flashlights
But I haven't seen anyone coming yet
And I'm fading away to become a ghost adrift in the world
- There's no one to blame but myself.

The real me is hiding until I'm free
Can't you people just mind your own business?
What will it take for you to let me be?
That's all I want.
But that's not good enough, is it?
Then f**k you.
Because I'd rather be broken in your eyes and still feel I have a soul
Than live a life of blankness just so I can pay the ferryman's toll.
So let me be.
I exist.
I am.
That's good enough for me.

I am a noble creature
So I thought
There was nothing I couldn't push through
As long as the ends justified the means
I let myself be swallowed
Maybe this way I could speak
Maybe this way something could make a little sense
Maybe I lost my way entirely

I'm losing my mind but everything seems a little brighter now
I'm losing my soul but everyone seems a little happier now
I walked down a path I shouldn't have
I started to go somewhere that was forbidden for a reason
I can't turn back now
Run it down
Run.

When a person tears their heart out onto paper
You realize how cheaply all of this comes
I'm carving out pieces of my soul
All so I can ninety-nine cents a pound that s**t into the world
When everything is said and done
I will always have to live with the choices I've made;
I will live with regret forever

I don't need a deity to take away my responsibility
My actions are my own
My consequences and rewards are earned
I feel stronger than them
Because to be alive is to accept your own strength
People have so much power...
I don't know why it's so hard for them to see that
Why don't I have their fear?

I can't seem to get it
What the hell are they all doing?
Am I so gone nobody can understand what I'm saying?
They want to lock me up and throw away the key...
I'll make you pay for this.

Quiet now
Little demon inside my head
I'm not supposed to be listening to you
Someone told me it was wrong
Quiet now
If I keep letting you speak I'll start to believe what you say
That's not good for anybody

I'm so lost to the wounding
I don't know if I'm broken or fixed,
Condemned or saved,
Guilty or innocent.
If I ignore myself long enough I will fade out completely.
There comes a time in a man's life where he must stand up and take his turn screaming
- I'm not sure people know how loud my voice can get.

'You have to scream it at them'
Someone looked too deeply into all those philosophical debates.
Saw something between the lines.
Now another something inside of me won't stop trying to tear free.
Conscience.
Soul.
Something larger than my own physical nature.
Let them desire that which the only one I trust does:
To live within the centre of a tornado from the winds I will attempt to stir.
Belief, opinion, and truth are all the same.
Cleanse it.
Demand the clarity deserved.
They're in the way.
Make them disappear.

Do this, do that, do everything you're told
Now's the time, 'cause they've grown so old
Patience oh patience is required for the bold
Still not sure whom to my soul was sold
Now I get to chip away from this ice so cold
Should have just done everything I was told

I've put blood into the blender
For some lubrication to start things
Press the mix button
In go my feet
Grind my shins to splinters
Knee caps crack around for a spell
Meaty thighs smooth out the scraggly bits
Puree my pelvis
Oh, I'll admit it did sting when we got to the naughty bits
Then up my spine
Intestines dragged down in the whirlpool
Acid from the digestive tract adds zip
Follow it up with my liver and lungs
- My heart went somewhere else I guess
Pretty soon we're up to the neck
Teeth start rattling around the blade
Feel the pronounced pop of the eyes
Shave off bits of the brain that started this all
At the end
All that will be left whole
Is my wrist and my hand
Held above the swirling mess
It'll flip the switch off
And maybe then I can write a little more meaningful

Reviews

[masqued_muse]

You are getting there, Tek....Keep GOING....
this is a freakin' masterpiece.

[lifesmith]

I'm usually too lazy to read long poems but once I started this one, I couldn't stop myself. This poem brings to life emotion in such a stirring way (does that even make sense? haha, I dunno but I love the poem)

[DreyaArt]

painful, and yet beautiful
words with meaning to mean one to you and another to me. Great writing.
Thank you.