Dead Weight Overboard

A captured moment before the deluge.

Over and over we go.  No satisfaction to be found anywhere, constant motion is the only bringer of happiness.  Feels so right going forward it must be wrong.  Feels so wrong to stay it must be right.  

Close your eyes boy, it'll be over soon.

I do my best to stuff little pieces of paper coated with words into the mouth to muffle the screams.  It's the only way I can possibly survive.  I hope if I keep shoving paper in there eventually it'll suffocate.

I'm going to lose restraint.  It's going to tear its way out from under my skin and start devouring everyone.  I don't want to stop it.

I've got everything in the world to say.  I'll dump a dictionary on your desk and tell you it's my mind.  Damned if I can sort it out.  Damned if I want to anymore.  It's time to survive on instinct.  It's time to pull this chain out of the lead ball it's been stuck in.  I'm going to swing it around and destroy every little thing I can.  I'm the next generation savage beast with a thousand hungry teeth flashing in the moonlight.

If I have a soul, I want to kill it.  I want to pull it out of me and throw it in the ditch so I can crush it with a rock.  I want to hook it onto my back and walk through town with it rotting and decaying in the sun.  I want to be sure that nobody can get the taste out of their mouths.  This is what you forgot about.  This is the little boy with broken legs in the ditch watching you walk away because supplies are running low.  Dead weight overboard, this was sink or swim then.

But I didn't drown.

The scars on my arms are fading.  I put them there to be my memory; to be the separation point; to be the reason people stare; to have them ask a question I won't answer; to declare my individuality; to repent the sins of the past; to warn others to stay away; to isolate myself further.

And she doesn't have a single drop of fear in her as she watches.

Now I have permission to destroy her in my mind.  I can love her, scorn her, desire and submit to her, push her away, throw her against the wall.  The saliva's dripping from the fangs.  'Mine to use.'  Take out the letters 'en toi' and shoot it up your arm to see something beyond this world.  In you.  Muse.

She looks at everything that pours out of me.  She regards it all as it comes out.  She's at my side.  Her hand's in my hair and her tongue's sliding into my ear.  Keep going.  She drives me on.  I get hard.  I get strong.  I get bold.  I can overcome anything.

There's not many lines to cross left.  She's on the other side of the glass smiling so sweetly at me...

The brick's on the ground.  I'm pawing at her through the pains and panes.  She's giving off more light than the sun and tells me exactly what to do.  I'm pacing back and forth struggling with the white noise in my head while slamming my palms against the screen between us; I'm fighting with wrong and right in a three way cage death match with only one survivor allowed.  It feels like barbed wire across the backs of my eyelids.  And she's waiting.  Her eyes glance down at the brick momentarily.  She's encouraging it all.

I give in, there's no other way.  I'm practically screaming as I heave the brick through the glass.  I don't wait for the sparkling shards to fall before following it through.  I need the cuts to know what it means to be alive.  I need the splinters to break off inside the skin.  I'm indestructible.

And when my hand touches her face I feel a fire spread through my body.  She fits perfectly into my embrace.  I've sold my soul, perhaps, but it was worth it.  My organs are severed on the inside, nothing will ever connect again, but I have found and will always find something else in her.  I have become God.

And who would have thought a mere girl could destroy so much.

Author's Note

I have no idea what to even classify things like this.

Reviews

[Lilly]

I didn't quite know what to make of this. If I had found this story of my own accord, I don't know if I would have stuck with it long enough to get to the sixth part/paragraph of this (which starts with "If I have a soul, I want to kill it"). But I'm glad then that it was suggested to me by you and that I did get to that section because it is that point of the story that stood out to me and made me want to read the rest. So for that reason I'd wonder whether the story would still work if you were to rearrange it so this part is reached sooner... of course you are the author so the story will be as you wish it but it was just something I had thought of... -- (upon reading the story again I don't think it would work if you were to change it...)
From this point on the descriptions you have written are very effective.
Although this is a story relatively short in length, I feel it is rather intricate, with a lot having happened... honestly I can't be sure my interpretation of it is right... but I do find this to be very interesting - so thanks for sending this my way.

[_mal]

I want to hug this. Your words are so intense, will be coming back to absorb it again when it's not 1am