The Grace of Birds and Dogs

I understand myself, do you understand yourself?

As I sit here, I answer your question for you.  The one I imagine you asking me.

I don't tell you the answer though.

As long as I can justify myself to me that's good enough.

"Where are you?"

I'm alone in my car driving down empty roads in the middle of the night and stopping in parks to write a single sentence on the meaning of life.  I'm at a twenty-four hour convenience store buying a bottle of water in near silence with exact change.  I'm driving through towns with highways bordered in neon enticements wondering if I'm alone in my detachment from consumer lifestyle.  I'm walking downtowns in the dark inventing stories of immigrant shopkeepers and prostitutes to escape mundane reality.  I'm locked in my room for a couple days making myself disappear so I can fill the gap I leave with something meaningful in writing.  I'm practicing subversive civil disobedience by being suspicious within the bounds of the law just to see what happens.

I am living my life how I want it.

You might not understand, and that's okay by me.  You might think there's a gap in my life that needs to be filled by work or companionship or ambition, and that's okay by me.  You might want more for me than this, and that's okay by me.

But I'm not going to do it.

I've found something inside myself that I don't think many people come across until they're much older.  I think some never find it.  It's very easy to get caught up in daily life and lose yourself.

I am at peace.  I do not feel unaccomplished, I do not fear death.  I find contentment in solitude.  The only discord I feel is with other people around me.

I let myself be dragged down from this feeling quite often.  By others.  By you - whoever you are reading this.  The life you want for me... God, if only I could capture my feelings about it somehow.  Unnatural is the first word that comes to mind.  Distasteful, redundant, boring, unfulfilling, inane, insane, petrified, meaningless, hopeless... I could go on for days.

I do not want that.

The things I want are not complex or demanding.  They don't require money, high society, a house or a pension.  In the end everything you've wasted your time accumulating, material or otherwise, is no longer there.  I guess I just look that far ahead.  I guess I'd rather keep it all very simple.

I appreciate those simple things the most.  The smell of air and grass and freshly fallen rain; the grace of birds and dogs; the sound of rippling water reflecting the moon and the hush of falling leaves.

All that... It's enough for me.

I fear you won't ever really understand, and that's okay by me.  It takes a lot to have a paradigmatic shift like this.  It nearly killed me.  It did drive me insane.  But I know where I am now.

I have to ask, and please answer honestly...

Where are you?

Author's Note

My declaration of knowing myself, my soul, and wondering if you do too.

Reviews

[etxcp]

really good... I think you are really talented! Can't wait for more!