Proclamations and Portraits

Try to explain your little ticks.

Pandora's Box was just a story to me
Now it's my personal living hell come reality
I thought if I just stopped everything and took a look
I thought if I listened to myself I'd know what it took
Maybe I could figure out why everything is misery

So I stopped
So I listened
So I dug into my heart

Down through the depths I tunneled
Deep to the core as far down as I could go
Past the crushing weight of personal history
Just to find horrors more than you can know

I wish I hadn't looked, but I can't take that back
Malevolent hatred in it's purest form; the darkest black
Murderous rage, unconscionable impulses, and sadistic desire
I relished in every vision of bloodthirsty consuming fire
If I'd never gone looking for it I wouldn't have found;
Now it gets stronger every day and becomes more profound

Nothing for anyone, I have emptiness to give
this weight is too much to keep desire to live
Visions of indiscriminate destruction get longer
my habitual suicidal impulses are getting stronger
everything around me is encouraging fear
Reality has already begun to disappear

I need to escape from myself
I can't get away from myself
Take me away from myself before I'm consumed by this lust from hell

Pop the tops and swallow down the pain
Hiding away in my chemical laden shame
My excruciatingly slow self-destruction
- Just the way I like all my destruction
Masochism, my art; sadism, my escape
Any degradation to modify my shape
Anything to get away from my myself for a little relief
Anything to get away from the constant destitute belief

Please, I'm begging for just one little bit of rest
Please, I'm on my knees, someone amputate at the neck
Please, I'm begging for anything to end all my eyes see
Please, I'm on my knees, stop it all, make it freeze
Please.

I surround myself with ideals that will never come true
Because reality obliterates my soul all the way through
As long as I can convince myself there's a future to look forward to
As long as I can convince myself that someday I'll be someone new
It's all I have

I've been smashing myself apart for longer than I know
Stepping further from the shore into the riptide's undertow
When will I slip up and let the currents of despair take me away?
When will I slip up and run out of excuses to be here and stay?
I'm just waiting

Every day it gets harder to not remorselessly destroy it all
Driven to the edge and those I love aren't here to stop the fall
You decided to take them away from me, but who are you to?
You decided to take them away - I don't f*****g want to be you.
I'm losing control

You think it's healthier for me to not keep it under wraps
Maybe you don't understand that I'm terrified to let it out
I can't open up what's inside of me, I've done it twice
Twice, and never again, will I unleash that animalistic shout
I can't open that monstrous thirst up again
I can't overpower it back into its pen

I'm not thinking about me here
I'm thinking about you
I'm thinking of strangers I've never met
They cannot possibly deserve this, nobody does
And I'll tear them apart for what never was
Locked in desire to spread the seeds of hurt
Cannot find any true, and I emphasize true, goodness to assert

The most terrifying realization a person can have
Is that you've been playing sane when in truth
Down inside of you there's something hiding
Festering, growing, constantly biding
Waiting anxiously with growing rigour
Waiting for the final roulette trigger
Losing myself in morally bankrupt intoxication to hide it away so
I can't think or feel anything; numbness is the most comfortable blow
because nothing else works

When I try to fix it myself I break ten others along the way
When I try to get any help there isn't anything I can say

You wonder why I self-mutilate?
It's because pain keeps me in control
Grief is all I know
Rage is all I feel

You wonder why I self-medicate?
It's because I'm losing control
Deception is all I speak
Perversion is all I taste

You wonder why I self-deprecate?
It's my guilt from the need to control
Shame is all I believe
Decay is all I desire

You wonder why I need to be in control?
If I stop, then someone might die
Hatred is all I breathe
Violence is all I crave

Sanity is all I want

I give up, I give up! My pleading cries to be left behind
So I can finally take my rightful place in purgatory's line
Can't climb out of the mud, my senses grown too dull
Wasted effort of helping hands tightening, thinking they pull
Straining against the sucking coldness for a lonesome liar
But every day they just push me much deeper into the mire
How do you tell someone that they have no idea what they're doing
When you're the one with sanity questioned and drained by the cooing?

You have no idea how much this hurts
I'm in the tars and sinking lower
I don't want to hold on
But you hold on to me
You're tearing me in half
Just let me go
Let me go or I'll take you down with me

Maybe you still don't understand
Life's too much for my weak heart
Always trying to prop me up
But all it takes is a breath
To knock me down
Just let me go
Let me go or I'll take you down with me

This isn't a declaration of self-sacrifice
You'll never be able to save me
It runs too deep inside
Maybe you should listen for once
To this warning, this threat
Just let me go
Let me go or I'll take you down with me

One way or another I'm going to sink
One way or another I'm going to drown
One way or another I'm going to fail
Just let the f**k go so I can fall down

The part that bothers me most about all of this
And I do mean all of this
Is that you don't understand
And that's my fault - I can't communicate
So I just want you to know
That I'm not sure I ever loved you
That I'm not sure I ever hated you
That I'm not sure I ever felt anything
Because I'm so torn up inside I can't sort anything out
And I definitely don't feel anything for you now

Author's Note

This is such a long piece. To be honest, reviews of this one don't even phase me. This was written as an explanation of my actions to loved ones, and as such it stands above critical review to me.

Reviews

[marlayesterday]

I want to say this is delicious. But I know what it took to write it. Beautiful it is. It is understanding yourself, or your feelings once upon a time, or even now. I can relate to much of this. This is raw reality, and exposing and truthful. Great work.

[tekphobik]

Written after detox, one day before committed to the psych ward.