For My "Best Friend"

I've been trying so hard to not think about you at all,

but when I hear your name it still fills my heart with hate.

I hate the amount of good things in my life

that I can't think about 

without your ugly mug floating through my brain.

I hate that you were there for me during the worst part of my life.

I hate that every time I'm sad or angry

I wallow in my hatred of you again.

I can't escape you,

maybe because we go to the same school.

Maybe because you're stealing my friends away again.

Still I hate you 

I hate you

I hate you.

I hate that I wasted two years of my life on you.

I just moved my room 

and all I could see on my posters and my clothes

was your name.

So many things you helped me pick out

and I want to tear them up

and burn them.

But I don't.

I still like these things 

and I still like the memories they spark.

It's you I hate,

not my life

and not those two years I spent by your side.

But sometimes I hate myself,

for falling for your act.

Sometimes I hate myself

for hating you.

My friend was worried about you

and I'm worried about myself

because I couldn't find it in me to care 

that you could be hurting yourself again. 

I don't know if I'll ever actually be free of your wretched clutches.

I don't know if I'll ever stop wondering

if you ever actually cared about me,

or if you only liked that I bought you things

and told you I loved you.

I don't know if you ever loved me back,

or if you're even capable of loving anything.

I don't know if I'll ever really get over you,

but I'll sure as hell try. 

Author's Note

I really don't know how good this is but I kind of needed to write it. I think I'm going to post a companion piece about my true best friend, who would never betray me and treat me like this "best friend" did.

Reviews

[LauraraMonique]

I am someone who connected a lot with this... Especially this portion of it:

"I've been trying so hard to not think about you at all,
but when I hear your name it still fills my heart with hate.
I hate the amount of good things in my life
that I can't think about
without your ugly mug floating through my brain.
I hate that you were there for me during the worst part of my life.
I hate that every time I'm sad or angry
I wallow in my hatred of you again.
I can't escape you,
maybe because we go to the same school.
Maybe because you're stealing my friends away again.
Still I hate you
I hate you
I hate you.
I hate that I wasted two years of my life on you.
I just moved my room "

It made my stomach sink. It was perfect. Thank you for sharing.

Best,

Laurara Monique
http://laura.productions/

[Lydia Shutter]

The anger and emotional pain in this poem is strong. It is best to move on and never look back. That person is not worth your thoughts. That person was not your friend. Honest emotions expressed well here. Lydi**

[Elwyn]

I love you so so so much. More than you'll ever really know. You know her better than I do, obviously. I can only see the walls she builds around herself, and she can decorate those any way she wants. You, you've seen the inside of the walls and how ugly they are. You shouldn't care. You don't have to. Toxic people should be washed away out of your life, and it will happen. It'll be hard, but I can help. I love you so much.