The House Next Door

sometimes parents can be a bit too protective about their children...

The thin piece of wood met his scrawny body with brute force; it hit him almost off his feet. His body shivered and tears started to roll down his face as the second shot came over his bare body.

                “I didn’t do it, I swear I didn’t do it,” the screams echoed through the house as he tried to cover his whole body with only his two arms. The idea of trying to get away never crossed his mind as the grip from his dad was too strong; a harsh pain from the tight grip around his right arm hurt him deep into the bone.

“Are you really going to believe…”

“Shut up,” his dad said in a monotonic voice without any emotions. He was hit the same way by his father, even more brute and more regularly, so why couldn’t he do the same on his own child? Before Justin could finish his second plea to stop, a third shot covered his backside. A low crack was heard in the open room as the hollow echoes made their way back to the ears of the two. The grip immediately released his arm, the piece of wood thrown back into the corner of the room. He erected himself and looked at his son from the height he stood; emotion filling his face from the bottom to top. His lower lip twitched spastically revealing the inner pain he felt, a tear rolled down his face, followed by many more as he realised what he had done. Slowly he walked backward, left foot first then right foot; he almost fell over the same wooden stick he used on his child. In utter pain Justin lied crying out to someone to help, but no one was near but his dad. Covering himself with his arms to protect him from his dad, the left wrist snapped again. A low scream filled the room where he lied on the ground, alone seeking comfort. His dad stared blindly at him; seeking comfort in the lies he believed so hard to be true.

                The door burst open with a sudden slam as two police men ran into the room. Holding their guns in the air, tension rose from the floorboards as they saw Justin in pain right in front of his dad. In seconds an ambulance stopped in front of the house with 3 people rushing into the home. The five people in the house slowly moved forward to Justin’s body on the wooden floor. His dad’s stare was still empty and without emotion like always.

                “Sir, we’re going to help your son now okay,” the first police officer’s voice came from a well-built man’s body while he walked closer to the dad. His facial expression gave off a comforting feeling that Justin’s dad fed from. The paramedics and the other police officer slowly moved to Justin, not wanting his dad to witness what is about to happen.

“Everything is going to be all right son,” a whisper said behind Justin as he still looked at his father.

“Don’t touch me,” a low whisper said in the silence of the room. “Please.”

The paramedic ignored the warning and grabbed Justin’s shoulder with care to help. He slowly pulled him onto the stretcher. He was busy with the first clasp when a horrific sound came from the end of the room where the first officer stood. On the ground lied the blue uniform with a mutilated body in it. His head was cracked open, blood lying on the ground. All three men looked up from the body into the stare of the dad. In his left hand he held onto the wooden shaft, now a thicker piece. His stare was cold, harsh, dead. The officer pulled without hesitation his gun and held it at the dad.

“Sir, put the shaft down or I will shoot,” shivers went through the voice of the rookie officer on his first day. Before he could pull the trigger of the gun in his shacking hand, the shaft hit him between the eyes. A loud bang! went off when the gun hit the floor of the room. The second sound was more recognisable, that of a human body falling to the ground. The paramedics slowly moved backwards to the door they came in. They turned around and ran to the open door. Shock hit them when they saw that the door wasn’t there anymore. Only a white wall stood proud in the way of their escape to the safety of the outside world.

“I tried to warn them, I really tried,” Justin cried out to himself as his dad picked up the shaft. The low muffled sounds of his dad walking down the wooden floor were heard, followed by tremendous hits that echoed through the house. A puddle of tears made their way on the wooden floor. Sobs was heard below the muffled sounds of the hitting in the next room.

Author's Note

i dont think this is good.. wrote it in 5 minutes or so... please help with language errors and stuff =] i will really apprecitate it

Reviews

[Blessed_Angel]

Oh my goodness this is amazing. It is a great short story. You have a gift good job keep writing.

[Leon R]

Good story, you could make it a bit longer, focus a bit more on the characters. Don't know, maybe the pain (mental pain I mean) of the character. Otherwise it's really good.
It was a bit hard for me to read due to personal reason, but I'm really trying to ignore that and be as objective as I can.

[Morrigan Nicole]

I would not have guessed it took five minutes to write. Very Good!

[CHRIS ANDES]

you have the eagerness to write .
..it really inspires me..

[Cascara (aka Sprint Goe..]

for 5 minutes, this is really good
:)

[BeccaB]

its a very emotiona and captervating story. it could be expanded on though and streched out a little. but apart from that its very good ^_^

[EMF]

OK. The story itself is good, but it cries out for expansion and detail. The language is fine, and if there were any typo's I didn't spot them. But do consider expanding it, making more of the characers, giving some a degree of depth. As the shock value comes from the reveal, perhaps focus on the policemen and the paramedics. Worth considering?

[Victoria PoetryBunny]

Interesting and emotional. You gave this a twist at the end. I like this part:
"They turned around and ran to the open door. Shock hit them when they saw that the door wasn’t there anymore. Only a white wall stood proud in the way of their escape to the safety of the outside world."