The Elevator

The elevator can sometime be scary, especially if someone freaky climbs in...

The sun was shining bright in the sky covered with small white dots of clouds floating helplessly. Loud clicks of her heals echoed through the empty street where she walked everyday to work. Today was special for her, it was her birthday, her 24 birthday, and she was alone on her way to work. It was her sixth birthday without her family or friends, but the three messages she got on her cellphone was an improvement from last year.
A sudden gust blew her hair loose from the clips holding it.firmly in place, also lifting her skirt a small bit, revealing the white cotton panty she wore. Some of the prying eyes caught this and it only made her smile, it was her birthday so why should she worry. The wind never showed up again and the walk was quick, unlike some of the previous ones that took forever.
Her eyes sparkled and the silent breeze made her hair move a bit, adding other sensual beauty. A smile stretched over her love tanned skin when someone walked past her, causing her to smile even more, and give a radiant feeling around her.
The echoes of her feet stopped in front of the high building, covers with shining glass windows and white-painted walls. She gazed upwards, looking at something. “Thank you God for this day,” she said in a soft voice. She walked up straight with a bit more self believe than she should have, but the was proud of herself accomplishing such a big thing in her life. She was.glad.
“Hello mis. O’Connor,” the receptionist’s voice name from behind the mahogany desk.
“Hello to you too,” she said with yet another smile stretching over her face. “How does the day look today, open?”
“So far, yes,” she looked up from the diary and smiled back.
The elevator door opened up with the distinctive sound, showing no one in side. She walked in slowly, looking at her reflection in the mirror at the back. Without seeing or realising it, another man climbed in with her. As the door closed, a foreign smell climbed up into her nose, almost a burning sensation. The man had a black suit on, and an old fashion 1930 hat on. Silence was the only noise in the elevator. An awkward feeling settles over her while she stood next to him, it wasn’t a good feeling in any way. She just knew something was wrong.
“Hi,” she said in a shy and shaky voice. He didn’t move, only looking straight in front of him into the metal doors. Her hand touched his should very softly to try to get his attention, but little did she know what she just had done. Everything seemed to move in slow-motion, his hand swung around and grabbed her neck. He pushed her minute body firmly against the elevator wall, with his free hand he pushed the emergency button. With a halt it came to a stop, it almost threw them of their feet bit they still stood up straight.

A red light flashed and the main light went off. The elevator also stopped moving violently from side to side. Her hair was thrown over her eyes making it impossible to see. An awkward smell burnt her mode, something like old sweat, old man, rotten flash. Something icy cold gripped her arm, the feeling penetrating deep into her small arm leaving her numb to try to break free from the grip. Laughs filled the small three by four meter cubicle room she stood in, entering her ears from both sides; she couldn’t get it out.
The arm around hers moved toward her neck, pushed her against the wall again she couldn’t breathe. Her heart started to beat faster against on the inside of her body, trying to escape through her mouth, but the hand held the ever trying escaping heart in place. With his free hand he took away her hair, one by one he stuck the strands behind her small ears. Her breathing slowly quickened as the face of the man became more clear to her. Acid burnt in her stomach, causing the nausea, a sour taste crept up her throat. The vomit couldn’t pass through her clenched throat, so she swallowed it. Her eyes started hurting from all the blood stuck in her head. It was her father.

“Shhh, don’t worry everything will be fine, just hold still.”
“You… died,” she managed to say through her closed throat.
“Yeah, I died,” he said, almost in an arrogant way.
“How,” a squeak came.from.her open mouth.
“Shhh, don’t worry about that now,” his free hand moved slowly to the back.of his pocket, the right hand was still firm around her neck, holding a bit harder every second. His hand came back with a syringe in his hand, filled with a black substance. The hand around her neck moved over her mouth. She tries to hit him, but she felt numb from the stress. He gave a small smile, took his hand and hit the needle into her neck. The pain almost instantly make her knees buckle under her own body’s weight, the substance injected into her could be seen moving slowly downwards into the vein. She started feeling calm, an almost high sensation, flying through the air on a pair of soft clouds. The elevator’s light went on again and the sirens stopped. It moved up to the designated floor in matter of seconds. The door opened up on the eleventh floor.

Screams filled the building when the doors opened completely. Lying in her own puddle of blood was Angelique, daughter of the once famous CEO of the largest company in the world for manufacturing wooden tables. It was her birthday today, and the first day on her new job, the CEO of Classic Tables, the largest of them all.

Author's Note

Something else I tried, to stay a bit away from the horror... I didnt have the time to proof read, so if you can do it, i would be ever thankfull =D

Reviews

[Victoria PoetryBunny]

Wow well this story is certainly interesting and different, you kept me interested with what was happening through out the story from beginning to end.

You build up the story well with the beginning of her day starting out like a typical work day and yet her special day as her birthday and then going on to turn into a more creepy day right when this part happens:
"Without seeing or realising it, another man climbed in with her. As the door closed, a foreign smell climbed up into her nose, almost a burning sensation. The man had a black suit on, and an old fashion 1930 hat on."

This is really good, interesting twists and ending. I didn't expect that ending. Really nice write, nice details with the imagery which helped to easily get a picture of what was happening.

Possible corrections:
Take away the period punctuation in this part towards the beginning:
" clips holding it.firmly in place"
I think you meant, she was proud instead of the was proud:
"the was proud of herself accomplishing such a big thing in her life. She was.glad."
Miss or Ms.
"“Hello mis. O’Connor,”"
touched his shoulder
"metal doors. Her hand touched his should very softly to try to get his attention,"
but they still
"feet bit they still stood up straight."
her mood... rotten flesh... I think is what words you were looking for.
"An awkward smell burnt her mode, something like old sweat, old man, rotten flash"
against the inside
"Her heart started to beat faster against on the inside of her body"
Unless you meant to add the extra periods in this part, they do not belong,
came from her
"“How,” a squeak came.from.her open mouth."
to the back of his
"his free hand moved slowly to the back.of his pocket"
made her
"The pain almost instantly make her"

[CHRIS ANDES]

captivating!!!

[Solaris LeRouche]

This is verry scary! Its builds suspense well!

[Solaris LeRouche]

Or if a REALLLY HUGE person gets on.......
And especially if some one is coughing!

[Cascara (aka Sprint Goe..]

Ooooooh...
Suspenseful!

[Kloverfield]

I'm impressed. Chilling. Creepy. Curious. I'll be sure to read more of your work. There are some minor spelling errors, but nothing garish.

[Raya Avans]

Still that eerie story with unexpected twist.. well done, I enjoyed this very much :) again, you detail and descriptions. flawless. Created a vivid motion picture in my head as I took in each line.. few grammar errors though :) here is what I found..

line13- *covered with shining glass windows
line15- *self-belief
line22- *realizing

Her hand touched his should very softly to try to get his attention, but little did she know what she just had done. .. consider revising, i'm not sure this makes sense?

*her heart started to beat faster against the inside of her body...

[InkSlinger]

Captivating to say the least.. enjoyable read!!
I love the dark side of ones imagination!!

[Priscilla Sayers]

Wow! that was good! There are just a couple of sentences that may need touch up but as you will always be your own worst critic reread. it is a brilliant story.
I loved it.
Nice build and imagery!
Keep it up!
Think you are fabulous!

[Robbie~xoxo~]

Wow! This is a REAL horror story!-( to me it was).. the end is tragic. It was a captivating story- Great job!