The Rebellion

IDEA FOR A NOVEL

The trees flashed past me while we rode the elephant. Birds were flying in the distance while strange creatures were walking over the planes. We were only twelve men strong. The revolution left over 500 000 men dead. The blood soaked in the ground, dead bodies stacked high in the distance. My body hurt from hours of fighting. We lost good men but it was for a good cause. Or that is what we will believe and history will tell.

Food was scarce and we only had one bottle of water left for every man. The sun was high in the sky and burned hot on our bodies. For a moment we thought we could hear the war was still going but it was only our imagination.

It has been four years since I was home. I don’t even know if my family is alive. I longed the taste of pure water and of fresh fruit. I desperately need a shower. I laughed at the idea and looked into the distance.

The cuffs on my arms were too tight and I could feel the pounding of blood in my hands. I looked over my shoulder and saw the other fighters. I smiled and gave a wink to the guy behind me. He winked back.
It was then when I used the chains to my advantage. It snapped the neck of the rider and he fell of the elephant to the ground. I was alone on the elephant and so did the other 12 prisoners. I stopped the walking and got off. We gathered once again and didn’t stand to be captured by evil.

 

We called ourselves The Gatherers Of Rebellions. It is the year 709. We lived in the low parts of Articia. The evil land of Tranium was ruled by the Night Dwellers. For centuries they never came near our lands, but for the last five decades they caused havoc in our lands. They killed the children and took the woman. The men were tortured into being slaves for the ruler of Tranium. No one came back once they crossed the ocean.

 

The year 650, early morning we could hear the screaming of children and the stench of burning wood was overwhelming. I knew there that it was the Night Dwellers. I ran to the outside and saw that the home of Cindy was burning. She lied on the ground unconscious. With shock in my legs I ran to her and helped her stand up. Her face was swollen, eyes full of tears and screaming in my ears.  “My boys! Where are they? Did they take my boys? Are they safe?”

“I don’t know. What happened here? Are you okay?” I asked hastily.

“They came from nowhere and took my husband and killed him. I don’t know where the boys are. I am fine but where are my boys?” The shock in her voice as she talked.

She came to rest after a long time. We still didn’t know where her boys was. For some time we searched for the boys but only found a note stuck on her front door. “This was only the first attack of many. Every day we will come to collect wealth and when you cannot pay, we will burn down the houses. Signed the Lord Of Evil.”

I took of the notice and ran to the council and gave them the note. Stress was visible in the air. Everyone panicked for the coming of a war was near. We had no army and the weapons the Night Dwellers used was so much stronger than ours. We were at war with the devil. And we had no chance in hell.

Every day we were visited by their leader, we couldn’t pay and before our own eyes several of our own kind would be slaughtered. Brutally killed, their homes destroyed and yet another note. Over the years we accumulated strong armies and fought of a couple of the collectors. But we weren’t  any match to them.

 

Now after five decades of slaughtering we rose up to fight the war. The battle of Rebellion. We collected men from all over the country side. 500 000 thousand men strong. We fought against millions of Night Dwellers. We killed all of them. Or we thought so. After the first millions there came a second batch. We fought until our bodies died of exhaustion. From the start no one was positive. The smell of death in the air and the image of thousands dying horrified me till this day.

“We can’t go on like this Fred! We are weak and when last did we have proper food?” said Evan.

Author's Note

This is just a idea I had a looooooong time ago and found it today.,. Please tell me wht u think. i know ther is alot of errors... but ignore them if you can =]

Reviews

[HeIsWe]

This is really good, very interesting I think it'd make a great novel.

[Alemu Wolde-Michael]

Hello Jaco,
You are certainly finding your way, that sense of youthful rebellion in your work is good. I would encourage you to broaden your field, on the one hand we live in a harsh and cruel world, on the other great beauty abounds. Intermingle both, choosing a middle ground and see what evolves.
Sincerely,
Alemu

[Chris]

Hi Jaco,

I understand you're new and this is a beginning. Its pretty flawed but it is YOURS! and that makes it ok. Flaws are correctable - the important thing is you began something.

There are many ways to improve our skills:

Organization - plan, outline, character lists and descriptions, maps (if necessary), world breakdowns (ie. money, foods, towns, villages, cities), society and morals... and many more!
Emulation - see how writers we respect handled things (ie. descriptions, narration, living, scenes...)
Writing - the more you write you empower yourself to get better.
Details - little things ALWAYS count so be more aware of them.
Review - listen with ownership BUT keep an open mind.

And many more.

I wish you well Jaco.

Take care,
Chris

[Shep]

This would be a very good novel I think and I would read it. So don't think about it . write it.

[Jeremy Haynes]

Pretty good, some errors, I'm pretty sure that 500,000 should have a comma like I wrote. Good tho.

[((Teenage_Poet_Loser))]

noooo it is reaally help full =] with me you can never be tooo 'wordy' =] i like =D tnx alot

[Raya Avans]

Well that being said, I like it :) sorry, I tend to be.. a 'little' wordy.

[((Teenage_Poet_Loser))]

haha as i said havent reread or done anything on this piece for about i think a month or two? just wanted to get a idea of people like it =]

[Raya Avans]

Ignoring the errors. I really liked the whole idea of the story, if you decide to continue I would love to read more of it. Maybe you could help me with some of the things in my own book, as far as description and detail during the action and suspense times, its one area of writing I think you have a lot of talent in. I hope you don't take this in a bad way but I feel like you could be a amazing short story writer, (not that writing books isn't something I believe you could do either) you are really great with coming up with a interesting story line. anyway, sorry about getting off topic. Really like this :) hope you continue you with it, just send a read request if you do.

- When they come upon Cindy's house i think you could expand on the imagery, what the town looked like and such. When you get to the actual dialog you tend to rush through it and lose me as the reader.

"For centuries they never came near our lands, but for the last five decades they caused havoc in our lands." I would cut out the last lands, it sounds repetitive and a bit awkward. You do that a lot in your writing, it makes a pair of sentences sound weird.

and i'm sorry to get nit picky, but this error threw me off during a bad part to be thrown off. "The shock in her voice as she talked." please change :) it makes that part.. uh foolish? i don't think thats the right word but all i mean is that it kind of messed up what I was feeling. You have a few other errors in that part that do the same. "We still didn’t know where her boys was." *were