chapter 14

i'll be alright

I put on my brave face the entire way back to Mobile. Colt kept asking if I was alright, and every time I forced a smile and said I was fine, but I felt like I was dying inside. I just wanted to get back to my apartment and crawl under my covers and sleep, hoping I'd wake up and this was all just a bad dream.

            Colt's break was over and after dropping me off at my apartment, he hugged me tight and kissed my lips before he got back in his jeep and headed back to Florida.

            I stripped down to my bra and panties and climbed in my bed. I cried myself to sleep and slept through all of my Monday classes.

            Around four that afternoon, I heard a knock, followed by Seth's voice, coming into my apartment.

            "I'm back here!" I yelled, not even caring to get up.

            "Are you alright? Colt called me and asked me to come check on you. He said you haven't been answering your phone," Seth said, sitting down on my bed.

            "Maddie is gone," I said, staring into my half-eaten pint of Ben & Jerry's mint chocolate cookie ice cream.

            " I know. Colt filled me in. I'm sorry," Seth said, taking my hand. "Is there anything I can do?"

            "No, I just want to be alone right now. I'll call you if I need anything, I promise," I lied. I just wanted him to leave. I didn't want to see anyone, I just wanted to be alone in my misery.

            By the end of the week, I still hadn't been to class, much less leave my apartment. My phone had been blowing up all week, but I couldn't even answer it. My voicemail was full, I didn't even care to listen to them. Every afternoon, Seth or Jared came to check on me, but I wouldn't even let them in, I answered their questions through the thickness of the door. Maddie's funeral was Sunday and I couldn't bring myself to go. I couldn't bare to see her lowered into the ground.

            Colt kept calling, trying to get me to talk to him. When I finally did, I broke his heart. I couldn't be in a relationship right now, I was hurting too bad. I knew I was being selfish, because my pain was in turn causing him pain, but I couldn't even bring myself to care.

           

                       ....................

 

            The weeks flew by and soon it was the week of Halloween, and I made plans months ago to spend it in Greenville with Maddie and Hilary. I was finally coming out of my funk, actually somewhat happy. I had been going back to class regularly for two and a half weeks and have hung out with Seth and Jared a few times. Life was getting back to normal, but I had still been ignoring all of Colt's calls and emails, and I missed him. I could hardly talk to Hilary much these days. They reminded me too much of Maddie, and it still hurt. I had made same few new friends, and new I could handle because they didn't bring back so many memories.

            I had been invited to a party at the KA house, the coolest fraternity on campus and was trying to decide on my costume when Hilary called. I was in a good mood, so I answered.

            "Hey Hil! How are ya?"

            "Harleigh! I'm so glad you answered!" Hilary exclaimed. "I'm doing pretty good! How about you?"

            "Taking it a day at a time," I said, smiling as I clicked through costumes on my laptop. "I'm trying to decide what I want to do for Halloween. I'm going to a party at the KA house."

            "Oh--" Hilary said. "I was calling to see if you still wanted to come up here. I haven't seen you in weeks. You didn't even go to the funeral."

            "I know, it's just too painful. I just need my friends right now." I winced when I realized what came out of my mouth. Insert foot, now.

            "I thought I was your best friend? And what about Colt? When was the last time you spoke to him?"

            "You are, Hilary, you just remind me too much of her and I can't stand it."

            "What about Colt?"

            "I have only spoken to him once since we got back from North Carolina."

            "And?"

            "I broke his damn heart, okay?" I cried into the phone. "I was hurting too much to be around or talk to either of you."

            "You're being selfish, Harleigh. You know we would have been your shoulders to cry on and did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, that Madison was our friend, too? And that we needed you? Have you even paid attention to Florida State football? Colt is starting and he's doing great. Maybe even NFL worthy one day. All the girls at FSU are after him, but do you know how many he has gone out with? NONE! He is still holding out for you."

            "I've been watching. I'm so proud of him. I love him, Hil, I just can't right now."

            "Whatever, Harleigh, he isn't going to wait around forever," Hilary said, and hung up.

            I plopped down on the bed, stunned. Hilary had never talked to me that way before. Was she right? Was I just being selfish? Maybe I should go on up to Greenville this weekend and try to make amends with her. But what if I ran into Colt? I needed some serious advice from Seth and Jared. I jumped up and went to the kitchen to see what I had to cook. It was cool and dreary outside, and only 2:00, so I decided on a pot of homemade chili.

            I set to work and soon, my apartment smelled delightful. I opened up my French doors to the balcony, knowing that the guys normally has theirs open, would smell food and come on up. They loved my cooking. Input some beers on ice, lit the fireplace and cracked open a bottle of michelob ultra for myself  and waited.

            I had just turned on on a Counting Crows cd when my door opened.

            "Do I smell chili?" Jared asked, popping his head in the door.

            "You do!" I said, smiling. "Come on in. Beer's on ice on the counter. Cornbread is in the oven and there is a salad in the fridge."

            "What is the occasion?" Seth asked, cracking open a Miller Lite.

            "I wanted some company and I knew y'all would come if y'all smelled food," I said, taking a sip of my own beer.

            "You're luck you caught me. I'm meeting up with Emma later," Seth said.

            "Reynolds? What? When did this happen?" I asked.

            "We ran into her at Hopjack's last weekend and have been hanging out all week," Seth replied.

            "Wow! I thought she had a boyfriend?"

            "She did. Gareth Michaels, our punter. He cheated on her at an after party over in Dallas and she found out and kicked him to the curb. Now, she has her sights set on Seth," Jared said, grinning.

            "Good for you, Seth. Emma is a sweet girl," I said, walking out to the balcony with a cigarette.

            "So, what's on your mind?" Seth asked, following me, and lighting up a Marlboro Light of his own.

            "How do you know there is something on my mind?" I asked, taking a drag from my Camel.

            "Because I know you, Harleigh. Spill it," Seth said, smiling.

            "Okay. Hil reminded me that we were supposed to spend Halloween together in Greenville. We made plans before Maddie died. And she was jumping my a*s about Colt. She called me selfish and hung up on me. What do I do? I don't know if I can go back there yet, both literally and figuratively," I said.

            "Hmm. Did you try explaining that to Hilary?"

            "I did and it didn't make a damn. I miss Hil, I really do, but I am just starting to be normal again and I don't know if I am ready to go to Greenville yet, or if I'll ever be."

            "Well, see if she wants to come up here and hit a few parties with you."

            "I can try, but it's ECU at Halloween, I doubt she will want to come to little old Mobile."

            "Are y'all done talking? I'm ready to eat," Jared said, walking out to the balcony.

            "Yeah, go on and eat, we will be in shortly," I said, laughing.

            Seth got up and put his hand on my shoulder.

            "I've missed you, Harleigh. I don't want you to do anything that is going to send you back in that downward spiral. You're too good for that."

            "Thank you, Seth," I said  smiling up at him.

 

            I called Hilary when I got out of class the next afternoon. She answered on the second ring, which surprised me; I figured she'd ignore me after our conversation yesterday.

            "Hey Harleigh," she said, still a little  short.

            "Hey, Hil. I'm sorry about yesterday, but I feel like I need to explain a few things to you."

            "Okay," Hilary said, her tone softening.  "I'm sorry, too. I jumped to conclusions."

            "Its okay. Look, I would love to see you over Halloween, I just don't know if I can handle being in Greenville yet. I am just getting back to normal--or as normal as I can be without her or Colt. Do you want to come down here for the weekend?"

            "I understand, Harleigh. losing Maddie was hard on all of us, I didn't think that being here would bother you so bad," Hilary said. "I would love to fly down for the weekend. What day?"

            "When are you finished with class this week?"

            "Thursday at lunch and no Monday class at all," Hilary told me excitedly.  "I can fly in Thursday afternoon!"

            "Yes! I am finished with my classes at two and none until noon on Monday, so I can pick you up and drop you off from the airport!"

            "Sounds like a plan. I'll order my tickets and let you know my flight times. I can't wait to see you!"

            "Me either! Make sure you bring your costume! I still need to pick out mine, but it will have it by the time you get here!"

            "okay! I'll call you later, love you!"

            "Love you, too, Hil!"

            I jumped off my bed and picked up my keys. If I was having company in a couple days, I would definitely need some groceries and I still needed to figure out what I wanted to be for Halloween. I grabbed my purse and walked out the door. I stopped down at Seth and Jared's apartment, like always, to see if they needed anything. Emma opened it the door before I could even knock.

            "Hey Harleigh!" Emma Reynolds greeted me with a huge smile on her face. She was a beautiful girl, with long, strawberry-blonde hair and bright gray eyes that seemed to go on forever.

            "Hey, Em. I was stopping to see if they need anything, I'm going out shopping."

            " I don't know. Jared is at work and I just left Seth snoring on the couch," Emma laughed.

            "Oh, okay. I won't bother him then. What are y'all doing for Halloween?"

            "KA party. You going?" Emma asked.

            "Yeah, if I can find a good costume, but it have no idea what I want to dress up as. Oh, and my best friend Hilary is coming down from ECU for the weekend."

            "That sounds fun. I'm going as a s****y French maid and Seth is going to be my millionaire boss," Emma said, winking. "Do you want me to help you find a costume?"

            "That's where I'm going now, wanna go?"

            "Sure! I don't have any plans, I was just tired of watching Seth sleep!" Emma laughed.

            "I don't blame you. I don't know how many times he has fallen asleep on my couch and I had to listen to his God-awful snoring!"

            We got into my Tahoe and drove out of the apartment complex.

            "Harleigh, I have a question and I don't want you to get mad," Emma said  quietly.

            "Sure, what is it, Emma?"

            "Do you and Seth have anything going on or have you?" Emma asked, looking out the window.

            "Oh! No, darlin', him and Jared are just good friends of mine. I met them the day I moved in; they helped me carry in my groceries and we have been friends ever since."

            "But I see you around campus with them so much and seth is always talking about you."

            "Just friends, Em, I promise," I said, taking my eyes off he road long enough to look her in the eye.

            "Thank God," Emma said, letting out a sigh. "Well then, do you have a boyfriend?"

            "No, not anymore," I said wistfully.

            "As pretty as you are?"

            "It was my choice. I had been dating Colt Black, Florida State's quarterback, since May and when our friend died a month ago,mi was so full of grief a depressed that I couldn't do it. I broke both of our hearts," I said, wiping a tear from my eye.

            "Your boyfriend was Colt Black? How did you snag him? He's a hottie!" Emma wondered.

            "We've known each other all of our lives. He finally told me graduation night that he had a thing for me, and always had. That night was like seeing him for the first time for me, and I fell--hard."

            "Wow! So, do you still love him?"

            "With all of my heart. It's just too hard right now," I replied, gripping my steering wheel so hard my knuckles turned white.

            "I'm sorry, Harleigh. Maybe things will change and he will still be there when you're ready to go back to him."

            "If I'm ever able...."

            We hit the mall and I found the perfect costume. Well, maybe not the best, but I liked it. I was going as a gangster girl. I had always been obsessed with anything mob related, ever since seeing 'Goodfellas' for the first time when I was ten.

            "You are going to be so hot!" Emma exclaimed.

            "Thank you, girl!" I said, smiling.

            By the time we got back to the apartment, it seemed as though Emma and I would be great friends. She understood me and what I was going through, and was an all-around good girl. I was glad Seth found her.

            We said our goodbyes at my car and she went in to see if Seth was awake and I went up to my apartment to put up my purchases.

           

 

            The next day I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom and went out to get my hair, nails and toes done. Tomorrow was Thursday and Hilary's flight was supposed to be here at 3:00, so I would have to rush from campus to get to the airport in time . I was so excited, it had been way too long since I spent any time with my best friend, who had always been like a sister to me.

            I was so stoked to see Hilary that I couldn't sleep Wednesday night, and the only thing that got me through my early morning classes were huge cups of coffee. By the time my last class of the day rolled around at 12:30, I was jittery from caffeine and excitement. When my Economics class was let out early at 1:30, I ran out to my Tahoe and drove west out of town to Mobile Regional Airport. I found a parking spot and went inside to check the flight schedules. Hilary's connecting flight from Montgomery was due to arrive in thirty minutes. I found a row of chairs near her gate and sat down. I must have dozed off, because when I woke, I heard Hilary squealing as she ran towards me.

            "Harleigh! I'm so glad to be here!" Hilary said, throwing her arms around me.

            "So am I! I'm glad you could come! Welcome to Mobile!" I said, hugging her back. "Let's get out of here."

            We talked the whole way home, though neither of us mentioned Maddie or Colt, we didn't want to start off the weekend on a sour note. When I pulled into my apartment complex, Hilary's eyes grew wide.

            "Wow! I know you said you were on the bay, but this is gorgeous! I don't think I'd ever leave this place!" She exclaimed.

            "I love it. I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon. Not until grad school, anyway," I said, smiling as I pulled into my parking spot.

            "Grad school?" Hilary asked.

            "Yeah. I want to get my MBA, be CEO of some Fortune 500 company or something."

            "Really? I didn't know that," Hilary said, getting her suitcase from the backseat.

            "Yeah, I'm working on graduating a little early and thinking about going down to NOLA to Tulane."

            "Wow. You have it all figured out. You really aren't looking to move back to Cary, are you?"

            "Not if I can help it."

            Hilary let out a low whistle when we walked inside my apartment.

            "Nice place. And what an amazing view!" She said, walking out to the balcony.

            I grabbed us each a Michelob Ultra from the fridge and followed her outside.

            "I know," I said, handing her a beer. "It is going to be hard to leave this place in a few years, I got very lucky in finding it. I guess whenever I go to New Orleans, I'll need to get a place on the water one way or another, either the lake or the river."

            "How can you be so focused and planned? I'm just trying to make it through this semester without flunking out," Hilary said.

            "I was in a bad way after we lost Maddie. I didn't go to class, I didn't even leave my apartment for two whole weeks. When I was put on academic probation, my eyes opened. I have worked too hard to get here and I will be damned if I fail."

            "I had no idea, Harleigh, I'm sorry I wasn't here to help you. But, I'm so proud that you got it back before you lost everything. I know what it would have cost you to have to go running back to Cary."

            "It's okay, Hil. I'm fine, really," I said with a smile. It wasn't a lie. I may have lost one best friend and pushed away the love of my life, but the girl who has been a sister to me since the diaper days was standing right in front of me, and I heard Seth and Jared as they came in the door. For now, all was right in my world.