there is one guyhe's from Vermonthe's got sparkles in his eyesand yet i can't recall his namehis brother is in Kilohis eyes sparkle toand their parents are great toall from Brattleboroit's cold therehe's my type of guyliving in the coldand not where it's hothe is a very knowledgeable boywe met at a gamea football gamehe sat next to mehis smile was greatit was infectiousand that's why i'm astoundedi can't remember his namewe talked through the whole gamequarters one, two, three, and fourit was like we had met beforelike old friends catching upwe talked about anythingwe talked about everythingwe never ran out of words to speakhe was a high school studenthe educated me on footballi taught him soccerwe talked and talkedit never got oldour parents and siblingswell they sat in front of usthey talked and talkedbut not as much as uswhen it came to the endi didn't want him to gobut he said goodbyehe was so polite and he lefti saw him againi was waiting for my brotherhe waved in his passinghe was gone -- againi hoped i would see him againso we could talkand i could catch his namebut he waved and was gonemaybe next time i will see him againi hope he remembers what we didif he doesn't we can start freshand maybe then i will remember his name
I think this piece has great potential but needs to be minimalized. For instance...if you took this and did this I think it would improve the poem because of the subject matter. Check it out.
"there is one guy
he's from Vermont
he's got sparkles in his eyes
and yet i can't recall his name" That's what you got. I'd change it to
One guy from Vermont
Sparkles in his eyes
I can't recall his name
Better...but still your words...that's called editing. lol
I'm a girl, i don't really write all that often... my writings are just something that comes to my mind and then i write it down, only sometimes do i revise/edit it. i absolutely love to write, what e.. more..